Who Is Rob Enderle?

He has been called a “forward-looking analyst.”

A “respected technology pundit.”

An “endless font of quotes you can get quickly on deadline.”

And a “clueless monkey dick sucking numbskull.”

But who is Rob Enderle?

After Enderle was quoted in numerous articles about the Microsoft Zune noting how wicked boss it’s going to be, Crazy Apple Rumors Site conducted an in-depth look into this technology industry mover and shaker.

Rob Enderle was raised by a family of rabid weasels living under miner Earl Schmight’s trailer in the Happy Havens trailer park in Upper Turkeyfoot, Penn.

“I remember Rob running around here as a youngster,” Schmight said. “I’d yell at him ‘GIT OFF DA DAG BURN FORD FAIRLANE, ENDERLE! GOD DAMMIT, YOU’RE GONNA END UP NOTHIN’ BUT A HACK TECHNOLOGY PUNDIT!'”

Spitting on the ground, Schmight said “Turns out I was right.”

According to sources, Enderle learned everything he knows about technology by watching a turn-of-the-century stereopticon of two monkeys mating. Some time around 1995, Enderle lay wallowing in a mosquito-infested bog in south Florida when inspiration hit him. Rising from the sludge, Enderle uttered the words that would define his career: “Microsoft good. Apple bad.”

Park Ranger David Marchesi witnessed the event.

“He stood up right over there,” Marchesi said, pointing to a fetid pool of swamp ooze.

“Scared the bejeezus out of me.

“Snakes. Lizards. Alligators. Your occasional swamp thing. Those I can handle. But I don’t cotton to those technology pundits. No sir, I do not.”

Enderle has made a substantial name for himself* using the tried and true “No one ever got fired for recommending Microsoft” principle. What has earned him such enmity in the Macintosh community is his seemingly willful misunderstanding of anything Apple.

“It’s like reading the analysis of a meth-addled circus poodle,” said John C. Welch.

“I mean, seriously, how consistently wrong can one person be and still get called for an opinion?

“NO! Don’t end the article! I need someone to answer that question for me! HOW WRONG DOES HE HAVE TO BE?! BECAUSE I JUST DON’T GET IT!”

* “Asshole.”