Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
Today: products Apple hasn’t released!
Q: I have an Apple iPhone and I’m having trouble synching it with iTunes. The songs I buy on iTunes get put on the iPhone, but the songs that I wirelessly download to the iPhone don’t make it on to iTunes. I’ve tried…
A: Wait, wait… you have.. an iPhone?
Q: Uh, yeah. I said that. So, anyway, I can’t get it to…
A: But Apple hasn’t released an iPhone yet.
Q: Oh, yeah, I’m calling from the future. That’s one of the features. The ability to call anyone in time. Well, anyone in time that has a phone.
A: Wow. That’s amazing. So when are you calling from?
Q: May, 2007.
A: May, 2007? Well, why don’t you just call me then?
Q: Uh, well, I really shouldn’t say. Don’t want to disrupt the time stream.
A: S-say what?!
Q: Oh… well… OK. You know that party you’re going to tomorrow night?
Q: Don’t eat the salmon mousse.
Q: I have an Apple iTablet and I’m having issues with OS X “Lite.” The “Lite” version of iPhoto isn’t able to handle all my pictures and the “Lite” version of iTunes makes my songs sound all tinny.
A: Wait, are you calling from the future?
Q: No. Why?
A: Well, it’s just that Apple hasn’t released an iTablet.
Q: Oh, yeah, I got tired of waiting for them to make one, so I made my own. It actually runs an OS based on Linux I coded myself and I cobbled the parts together. I can’t wait forever, you know.
A: Well, shouldn’t you be able to fix your problem, then?
Q: Yes, I could but that would kill the whole fantasy that it was released by Apple.
A: Mmm. You’re complicated, aren’t you.
Q: OK, if you don’t want to help me with the iTablet, how about the ultra-lite MacBook I made?
A: What’s the problem with that?
Q: Well, the real problem is it’s just a foam-core board mockup. It doesn’t do anything.
A: Uh… you’re really hoping for a response here, are you?
A: Ookay… uh… have you tried rebooting?
Q: I have an Apple Newton and I’m trying to get it connected to the Internet. I have the ISP info all set up, but when I go into Newt’s Cape it doesn’t find any of the sites.
A: Wait, wait, wait. We’re taking questions about products Apple’s never released. They actually sold the Newton.
Q: Oh, yeah, I know that, but mine’s a micro color Newton with 2 GB of flash memory. It’s the size of a deck of cards.
A: Wow! Where did you get that?! Did you make it?
Q: Make it?! No! I found it in the dumpster behind One Infinite Loop eight years ago! There were hundreds of them!
A: Wait, you found it eight years ago and you’re only trying to get it on the Internet now?
Q: Oh, I was Amish.
A: Uh… huh.
Q: Yeah. I’m not anymore. Although I still like the beard.
A: Oh, it… looks good on you.