Month: September 2006

Jobs Getting Laid Tonight.

Sources close to Apple CEO Steve Jobs indicate that in preparation for tomorrow’s Special Event, Jobs will be getting it on tonight.

After some lackluster reviews of Jobs’ performance at WWDC, company executives wanted to make sure the Apple CEO was as relaxed as possible for tomorrow’s Special Event (which, by the way, will introduce a movie download service, new video iPods across the board – including somehow a video iPod shuffle – and a streaming video Airport thing that will make you squeal like a little girl).

“I spoke with Laurene [Jobs] personally, and she assured me there would be nooky between the Jobses tonight,” said Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller.

“And… um… while she was unwilling to commit to it, she did indicate that she was open to ‘seconds’ should Steve still feel a little tense.”

While Jobs’ subordinates have never before taken a professional interest in the mercurial CEO’s personal friskiness, they have delved into other aspects of his life, including his diet, his weight and his spiritual well-being.

“We just really care about Steve,” Schiller said.

Pausing Schiller added “It’s not like we’re going out and getting him hooker backups or anything. That totally wasn’t even discussed.

“For more than, like, ten or fifteen minutes.”

The Jobs’ declined to comment for this story, but there was a sign on their home reading “If the mansion’s a-rockin’, don’t come a-knockin’.”

Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday,

Q: I’ve been a Mac user for years and I’ve only recently become acquainted with the Getting Things Done methodology. Apparently there are a lot of Mac geeks who are really into this. There’s even been an OS X-only application that supports it. I’m confused.  If I’m a Mac cultist, have to be a Getting Things Done cultist as well?

A: Not necessarily.  The Getting Things Done cult is a subset of the greater Mac cult.  It’s kind of like a creamy filling.

Q: Ah.  So the whole thing is like a cult Twinkie.

A: Uh, no, no, no. I’d prefer it if you didn’t put it that way as the Cult of the Twinkie is trademarked and they’re highly litigious.

Q: Oh. Sorry. But, this isn’t anything crazy like the Scientologists, is it?

A: Oh, jeez, what are you trying to do to me? Why don’t you just bad-mouth the Free Masons and then we can get sued into oblivion?

Q: Oh. Well… OK. The Free Masons…

A: STOP IT!

Q: I’m a recent switcher from Windows and I’ve been tooling around the Mac web, kind of getting myself acquainted… introducing myself around… you know, that kind of thing.

A: Well, welcome to the neighborhood! We’re glad to have you!

Q: Thanks. Thanks. Everyone’s been super-nice. I was just kind of wondering if there were any sites you could recommend for… well…

A: Yes?

Q: Well, what I’m looking for is… uh… I guess you’d call them MULFs.

A: “MULFs”?

Q: Yeah. You know… Mac Users I’d Like to Fuck.

A: Uh… was this something you had when you were on Windows? WULFs?

Q: No. No. I mean, Windows users are a dime a dozen, so there’s no big turn-on. But Mac users…

A: Well, sorry. I’m afraid I don’t know of any sites like that. That’s not the way we roll here in the Mac world.

Q: Oh. Sorry. I’ll… uh… well… thanks.

A: Hmph.

Q: …

A: …

MACGRUDER: Dude, you were just showing me Hot-N-Dirty-MULFs.com the other day.

A: Oh, like I’m going to tell him! Stupid Windows user!

Q: I have a Mac mini and I recently got a Dell monitor for it. I had a little trouble hooking it up as I had to use an adapter. But it’s working fine now. So…

A: …

Q: Uh…

A: You want that URL again.

Q: Um… yes please.

Apple To Deliver Touch Sensory Product.

MacNN and other sites report today that Apple has filed a patent for “a device with multiple touch sensing devices”.

While some hold that this is proof positive that Apple will finally deliver a touch-screen tablet device that does half of what the Newton did, Crazy Apple Rumors Site sources believe it is a foray beyond the realm of the computer world.

According to those in the know, Apple is set to take its customers to a whole new level of touch sensory experience and deliver a breakthough in viscoelastic liquids not seen since the 1940s.

“Play-Doh, Silly Putty, they’ve both gotten soft,” said the New York Times’ David Pogue. “That market’s ripe for someone to come in and sex it up. Kids have been pressing Silly Putty against comic strips for over fifty years. That’s boring.”

Pogue said that Apple’s superior design capabilities make the company uniquely qualified to deliver a souped-up version of the venerable wads of squishable material for play.

“I’m thinking maybe chrome and aluminum squeezable dough that records a movie when you press it against a computer or TV screen.”

Asked how that could possibly work, Pogue shrugged off the question.

“Is that my problem? That’s not my problem. That’s Apple’s problem. Why are you asking me? You should be asking them. They’re the ones with the problem.”

Sources at Apple declined to comment, but did note that Pogue recently went off his meds.

New iMacs Bigger, Faster, But Smell Like Ass.

Apple delivered new iMacs today, adding a 24-inch monster machine with a 2.33 GHz Intel Core 2 Duo processor. Across the board the iMacs are faster and provide a better value than ever.

However, sources indicate there is one major drawback to the new machines.

They smell like ass.

“Oh, my god,” said prospective iMac buyer Ann Woulten, quickly covering her nose with her hand as she entered the Boca Raton Apple Store. “What is that?”

Lifting his nose in the air, Woulten’s boyfriend Henry Martinez took several whiffs.

“Smells like ass,” Martinez concluded.

“I know that!” Woulten shouted, gagging slightly.

Sources at Intel claim that something in the manufacturing process of the Core 2 Duo causes the chips to come out smelling like ass.

“We’re not sure what it is,” Intel spokesperson Kim Sargeant said. “We think it might be when Randy rubs his ass up against the silicon disks, but we’re not sure.

“Frankly, we don’t know how that step got into the procedure manual. We think Randy might have added it himself. We’re still looking into whether or not it’s necessary.”

Pausing momentarily and shifting uncomfortably in her seat, Sargeant added “We got ISO 9000 certification.”

According to Sargeant, Randy also apparently works on the Xeon processors but the fans in the the Mac Pro are powerful enough to blow away his severe funk.

Apple declined to comment for this story but has reportedly issued those white surgical masks to all Apple Store employees.

Apple Announces A Special Event.

This morning, Apple sent an email to members of the media announcing a special event in San Francisco on September 12th.

While many believe this will mark the company’s initiation of the the online movie downloading business, a small subset claim it will showcase the new Apple cell phone, which is reportedly now ready for production.

But Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that not only is this a “special” Apple event, it is a “very special” Apple event. While sources were unable to specify the specific nature of the “very special” event, they were able to narrow it down to the following possibilities:

  • Senior Director of Desktop Product Marketing Tom Boger thinks about trying drugs and is talked out of it by Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller.
  • Head of Mac Hardware Engineering Peter Mehring loses his virginity.
  • Vice President of Worldwide Developer Relations Ron Okamoto learns a valuable lesson about sharing or not cheating or some shit.
  • Senior Counsel Mark Aaker gets knocked up.

    Apple declined to comment for this story, but a star trailing a rainbow was seen passing over the Cupertino campus earlier today.