Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: I have a MacBook that has some very sensitive information on it. I’m concerned about what would happen if were to be cornered by thieves, ne’er-do-wells, scallawags… you know.
A: Uh… I… guess…
Q: Yeah. Well, so, my question is, should the need ever arise, are there any parts of the Mac that are edible?
A: Edible?
Q: Yeah. In case I have to limit my damage.
A: Well, actually, the entire thing is edible.
Q: Oh. Wow. Really?
A: Sure. The problem really gets down to what wine to pick.
Q: What wine? I’m going to be in a dark alley somewhere surrounded by blackguards and I’m supposed to open a bottle of wine?
A: Dude, you’re eating a Mac. It’s not like you can just crack open a Bud Lite.
Q: I suppose not.
A: Now, which color MacBook did you buy? I recommend a Chardonnay for the white one and maybe a Chianti for the black…

Q: What did you just tell that guy? That the MacBook is edible? That’s insane. No one can digest a MacBook.
A: What? Are you sure? I’m pretty sure I read that on Apple’s support forum.
Q: No. Absolutely absurd.
A: Oh.
Q: Now, iPods, those’ll pass right through you.
A: Well, that I know from first-hand experience. I’ve been eating those suckers like candy.
Q: Me, too! I can’t wait to try that new iPod! Mmm, those look tasty!
A: Like a little after-dinner mint.

Q: Hey, I just ate a pre-release Zune… uhn…
A: Oh, no. You shouldn’t have done that.
Q: I know that now! What am I supposed to do?! I haven’t felt like this since I ate at KFC that time… uhhh… my colon…
A: Do you have any ipecac?
Q: Uh… no.
A: It’s OK, you can make some. You’ll need an old AOL floppy, a copy of Word 6.0 and some cream of tartar…
Q: Uhnnnnnn…

31 thoughts on “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. So you say that’s it, I gotta leave this place! I don’t care what these people think! I’m just sitting here making myself nauseous with this ugly food that stinks! So you bust out the door while it’s still closed still sick from the food you ate, and you run to the store for quick relief from a bottle of ipecac!

  2. Mmmm … Mac ‘n’ cheese … perhaps a Pinot Noir would be appropriate?

    I was reminded of an account years ago about a man who ate a Volkswagen by consuming small pieces over a long period of time. When I tried to find reference to it on the internet, I found this instead:

    Nov 23 2000 — A German cannibal named Armin Meiwes said he was sorry for killing and eating another man, who supposedly agreed to be eaten and shared a meal of his own penis with his killer. Prosecutors have charged Meiwes with “murder for sexual satisfaction,” because cannibalism is not a crime in Germany.

  3. with the macbook, the only choice is obviously a california noir. and for penis, i always like a good german penot gris.

  4. I ate a brown Zune, and it pased right through.

    At least I think it did. Anwyay, the end result LOOKED like a Zune, ifyouknowwhatImean.

  5. Well, I guess.

    But I would never wash down a MacBook with Chianti. A Vaio, maybe, but I think I’d go with a Pinot Noir with that. A Dell or an HP would be fine with a Chianti. A Gateway wouldn’t need more than a Bud Light, and I think I’d serve something regional (Schmidt’s, Blatz, Rainier).

    Definitely go with a hearty Cabernet with a MacBook.

  6. Instead of carrying around a bottle of wine you could just carry around a spork and in the event of a blackguard surroundment you could brandish the spork and bellow forth “beware of my mighty spork”.

  7. ^^ Blackguard Surroundment sounds like a good name for a rock band. Of course, so does Mighty Spork.

    I’m wondering though, if brandishing a | spork wouldn’t result in having your Pinot Noir taken away in a cacophony of derisive laughter. Then you’d have nothing to wash down your Newton.

  8. Spell check anyone?

    sensetive, na’er-do-wells (both previously mentioned) and scalliwags

    And which “new iPod” looks tasty? Do you mean the newly announced 8GB (PRODUCT) RED iPod mini, or the newly available iPod shuffle?

    How are we supposed to take the technical advice seriously if the editing is so poor?

  9. Two problems with iPods: A.) They have too much MSG. B.) An hour later you’re hungry again.

    There are six letters in the word “ubuntu,” and five letters in “Satan.” Also, if you play the name ubuntu backwards, it still doesn’t make any sense at all.
    Coincidence? I don’t think so.

  10. Rip, I think you’re on to something. Something very dark and evil.
    Also, if you play any vista-features oriented keynote while using Mac OS 10.4 it syncs up perfectly!

  11. I forgot to put on my contact lenses, now it seems I swallowed a newton 130. Problem is my belly is totally green now.
    Anyone knows how to turn the backlight off?

  12. I just bit my macbook.

    You could have warned us it was like rock candy.
    Now I need to go to a dentist because of a chipped tooth.
    Remember folks, you need to soften the thing first, lick it a few times and then you can try biting it.

    I’ll try agai…

  13. of course you can eat one … didnt u hear about the guy in the 70’s that ate a whole car one little pc at a time

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