Nothing. Nadda. Zip. Zilch.

You know, I’d feel bad about us not getting a post together tonight, but I know for a fact that you just come here for the comments anyway, so it’s no big deal.

Anyway, you’ve got the whole weekend ahead of you and a wad of cash in your sweaty little fist (which is all covered in Cheeto dust), so maybe you could dump a little of it on one of our fine advertisers.

There’s Rogue Amoeba. They make good stuff. Although Kafasis tried to kill me that one time.

Well, there’s also Delicious Monster. The things they can do with an iSight camera. Tell you what. Although Shipley did call me a… well, let’s just say he said I like to do something to dogs that I don’t. Totally. I mean… really. I don’t even know how that would work.

Anyway, that brings us to our new advertisers: Shiny White Box and Many Tricks. They also make boss software and so far neither of their CEOs has tried to kill me or accused me of being into bestiality.

Of course, we’ve only just met so…

I should probably give them some time.

…

Do you think Gruber has this kind of relationship with his advertisers?

2,949 thoughts on “Nothing. Nadda. Zip. Zilch.”

  1. Ahh!, Hot chocolate and everclear, the fond memories of cold winter evenings,… well actually there aren’t that many for some reason,… there should be,… for some reason not that many of them come back to me right now. So, vitamin fortified, hot chocolate and everclear are called BrownNotes, I never knew that. I thought that BrownNote refered to something else.(Something rather disgusting from what I have heard) Learn something new everday down here in the tunnels. I’ll head down to the local tavern and ask the barkeep for a BrownNote. I wonder what kind of glass it comes in, maybe a bowl.

    Alex, you still down here, come on over, I’ve got a BrownNote for ya, feel like we should give you somethin special for all that you have done to,… uh, for us.

    ç

  2. Huh. The term “brown note” does not make me think of something to drink. However I did have a sudden urge for Kippers and Ritz.

    Would someone please do something about all these chocolate elephants? Apparently all that everclear makes it impossible for them to balance on the marshmallows.

    Also, I’ve found six wallets, all claiming to be the property of carbonfish. One of them has a 50 cents off coupon for Swiss Miss. The other five are asking for money and Mogen David wine.

    I’ll take Redheads in Satin Bath Robes for a long drive, Alex.

  3. I used to play BrownNotes on my trombone a long time ago.
    No they were blue notes, would they fit Del’s Dance and Apple tattoo?
    Just recalled, it was Clifford who played BrownNotes.

  4. Clifford Brown is blue, which is understandable since he died back in 1956.

    Which reminds me of the time Frank Sinatra, having read Alex Haley’s genealogical tome, did some family research and discovered that some of his ancestors were brought over from Africa in the slave trade. That’s what inspired his comeback album, “Ol’ Blue Eyes is Black.”

    Hey, these tunnels are awe-inspiring. I just rode a Harley all the way from Portland to Denver without once having to go outside. Harley wasn’t too happy about it, but hey, he lost a bet and had to pay up.

    Alex, I’ll take Other People from Canada Named Alex Trebek for a baker’s dozen donuts and a piggyback ride back to Portland.

  5. Would that be Portland Road, South Norwood, London, UK?
    Better come tooled up via the Bakersfield/Bakerloo tunnel and beware of fare rises.

    I’ll take Gigi Gryce’s total output and anything else left over from that ‘Herd’ for six pence, Alex.

  7. Ace,
    As you are obviously the tunnels Sinatra expert, can you confirm it was his partial slave background and an experience with the KKK that led to ‘Songs for Swinging Lovers’?

  8. Funny you should say that. Just before he died he was working on another duet album to be called “Hanging with Frank.” Maybe it will be released posthumously with a bizarre video directed by David Lynch.

  9. Well guys, I’m heading out on a secret mission, so I will be out of the tunnels for awhile. Keep the tunnels save for freedom, justice and the Mactherian way. If you run across any sexbots that really go for a guy dressed like a housewife that can speak German… run for your lives cause it’s probably a pansexual rotopluecker. (It looks like a chrome-plated piggy bank with marital aids stuck all over its body)

    Alex, I’ll take my truck keys for some navel lint, I have to go to work now,… and you’ve had them long enough…(Damn, where did all those empty everclear bottles come from, and what the hell is that sticky stuff all over the back seat, Alex!!!!!)

  10. The official story:

    The computer is fine. The monitor is goofy. The inverter is hosed. I’m going to have to buy a new one. I’ve replaced the optical drive in the old G5. Sit perfectly still and breathe very slowly. Close your eyes. Listen to the sounds around you. Try to think of nothing. It’s about four bucks cheaper than a glass of Pale Ale, but it doesn’t taste as good.

    I’ll take Ketchup for my French Fries, Alex.

  11. Hey, I see the light of day. No, I still have no idea where I am, but at least I think I found an exit to these infernally dark tunnels. Hopefully I’ll soon discover where I ended up so I can go back home. I miss home.

    Either that or I’m hallucinating again.

    I’ll take the pink elephant there, Alex. What? No, I’m not giving you anything for it, screw you get out of my way you stupid piece of shit. I’ll kick you square in the nuts!

  12. Sory I’ve been drinking Blue Moon all night Rip, I guess I could switch to a Pale Ale.

    You know if the Zune could vibrate it would have at least one use.

    I could use it to make Hotchocolate/Everclear Milkshakes.

  13. If the Zune could vibrate. I feel a song coming on. Oops. Nope. Dang. I’m gonna need the Lysol and a roll of paper towels. Dang. Oh, that’s nasty.

    I’ll take a small dog. With a dollop of eggplant puree, Alex.

  14. Del,
    How do you drink a song?
    Blue Moon, I saw you etc. When I try to swallow it, I choke.
    BTW It must be India Pale Ale, specially brewed for Asia Minor.
    Knew him at school.

  15. I remember the song “Asia Minor.” Why would the BBC ban an instrumental song?

    Pianist, arranger, producer, songwriter. Jimmy “The Whiz” Wisner was trained as a classical pianist. By 1959, he was a Temple University psychology graduate and had formed the Jimmy Wisner Trio, composed of himself on piano, Chick Kinney on drums and Ace Tsome on bass. They were playing local clubs in Philadelphia and had accompanied Mel Torme, Carmen McRae, Dakota Staton and the Hi-Lo’s. Their first album, “Blues For Harvey”, was released on Felsted Records in 1961. In that same year, Wisner recorded “Asia Minor”, which merged a melody from Grieg’s Piano Concerto in A Minor (hence the title) with a rock ‘n’ roll beat, on a cheap up-right piano to give the record a honky tonk flavour. He adopted the pseudonym Kokomo, fearing that making a rock ‘n’ roll disc would tarnish his reputation as a well-respected jazz musician. After being turned down by 10 or 11 labels, Wisner set up his own label, Future Records, with record distributor Harry Chipetz and the record’s engineer, Amel Corset, for the release of “Asia Minor”. Soon it started selling so well that they couldn’t handle the distribution and it was picked up by Felsted. “Asia Minor” climbed to # 8 on the pop charts in April 1961 ; in the UK it went to # 35, in spite of being banned by the BBC. Three more Kokomo singles were released on Felsted (the best of these being “Like Teen”), as well as an LP, but nothing ever again charted.

    Alex. I’ll try … oh, never mind.

  16. There’s nothing like a bit of culture down here in the chocolate-everclear elephant shit.

    I’ll take Two Eggs Over Medium with Sausage, Hash Browns, and Rye Toast, for $7.99 Alex. No cream.

  18. I have done it! I have found the Tera-Post theme song.

    http://www.jonathancoulton.com/lyrics/skullcrusher-mountain
    You can download the song for free at the site.

    Welcome to my secret lair on Skullcrusher Mountain
    I hope that you’ve enjoyed your stay so far
    I see you’ve met my assistant Scarface
    His appearance is quite disturbing
    But I assure you he’s harmless enough
    He’s a sweetheart, calls me master
    And he has a way of finding pretty things and bringing them to me

    I’m so into you
    But I’m way too smart for you
    Even my henchmen think I’m crazy
    I’m not surprised that you agree
    If you could find some way to be
    A little bit less afraid of me
    You’d see the voices that control me from inside my head
    Say I shouldn’t kill you yet

    I made this half-pony half-monkey monster to please you
    But I get the feeling that you don’t like it
    What’s with all the screaming?
    You like monkeys, you like ponies
    Maybe you don’t like monsters so much
    Maybe I used too many monkeys
    Isn’t it enough to know that I ruined a pony making a gift for you?

    I’m so into you
    But I’m way too smart for you
    Even my henchmen think I’m crazy
    I’m not surprised that you agree
    If you could find some way to be
    A little bit less afraid of me
    You’d see the voices that control me from inside my head
    Say I shouldn’t kill you yet

    Picture the two of us alone inside my golden submarine
    While up above the waves my doomsday squad ignites the atmosphere
    And all the fools who live their foolish lives may find it quite explosive
    But it won’t mean half as much to me if I don’t have you here

    You know it isn’t easy living here on Skullcrusher Mountain
    Maybe you could cut me just a little slack
    Would it kill you to be civil?
    I’ve been patient, I’ve been gracious
    And this mountain is covered with wolves
    Hear them howling, my hungry children
    Maybe you should stay and have another drink and think about me and you

    I’m so into you
    But I’m way too smart for you
    Even my henchmen think I’m crazy
    I’m not surprised that you agree
    If you could find some way to be
    A little bit less afraid of me
    You’d see the voices that control me from inside my head
    Say I shouldn’t kill you yet
    I shouldn’t kill you yet
    I shouldn’t kill you yet

  20. Del, can you and your kittens persuade Mr. Moltz to have the song play as we hang out here in the Tera-Post? It would really dress up the place.

    …

    It’s hard to get a word in edgewise here at the Ponderosa dinner table, with Pop, Short Mort, and Yves yakking about the yak rustlers, while Ox keeps saying “Pass the potatoes, pass the potatoes…”

  21. I’ll try, but since we have bandwidth problems just with the the *-post adding music may cause a problem. We could all just play it in iTunes while at the site. Just put it on loop.

    OoooOOOoooOOOooOO a new song to put on loop. YaY iPod.

  23. Hmm. I guess this means we’ll have to add lanes on the Skullcrusher Mountain tunnel overpass again.

    Somebody see if Rite Aid will fill a large prescription for Elephant Lomotil.

    Don’t eat the peanuts.

  25. Okay, I’ll post the 500th comment, since you insist.

    …

    Hey, Psyko, welcome back! How was your kidnapping?

  27. I see I have missed a lot since I got stuck in the Carolinas tunnels. Lots of Tarheeled blue devils running around. Word is a ritual madness doing the spring equinox.
    From what I have seen, we will need industrial strentght lomotil.

    Carry on people, nothing to see here, just crushed marshmellows and elephants with tummy aches

  28. YaY loop

    I wonder if I yell you guys will here the doppler effect in my voice as I ride a Pony/Monkey Monster at High Speed around those new lanes on Skullcrusher Mountain.

    Let me know if this works.

    YYYyyyyyaaaAAAAAAAYYYYYYyyaaaaaaYYYYYYYAAAAAAyyyyyyyyy

    Any Doppler effect?

  30. A Pony/Monkey Monster. Dang. I always wanted one of those. Did you get the fuel injected one or the one that runs on Bananarama’s Greatest Hits?

    No Doppler that I noticed, but you have generated a doppelgänger. And she’s headed for the elephants. I’m going to need a new shovel.

    Somebody order some Chinese Take-out. Not tofu-vegetables, and nothing with peanuts in it. Thank you.

  31. Hey! Which one of you guys modded this sexbot with a stamping and seizing module???

    …

    Well???

    …

    Allright goddamnit, you realize that that’s not just illegal, it’s crazy! It’s only a matter of time before they start tearing the bejeezus out of each other and everything else. most of you are probably too young to remember… AWWwwww, never mind… You damn kids never listen anyway. *stomps down the San Luis Obisbo tunnel muttering something about elephant-shit biofuel*

  32. Simmer down there, Carbonfish. Settle into the La-Z-Boy and listen to the lilt of the Hawai’ian serenade.

    Hey, you dropped your wallet again! Funny how that keeps happening when I’m in the same tunnel. Just a coincidence, though — no need to look at me like that.

  33. Del,
    It might be the Atlantic tunnel Eigentone effect, but there was a barely discernible variation, possibly attributable to Doppler or Just tuning as opposed to Equal temperament or even egregious misuse of Shape note singing techniques.
    Equally it might be that I have crap equipment or, heaven forfend, you have a crap voice .

  34. The kidnapping for charity event went okay. We were not able to meet the ransom numbers we were hoping for, but the $218.73 we were able to raise is very appreciated. Can’t complain too much since every little bit counts. I’d really hoped to donate more than that to the charity of choice though.

    Actually, I think the most depressing part of it all is that I am only worth a little more than $200 to all of my friends. I’d be so dead if it were a real kidnapping.

    MARK

  35. Psyko,
    You’ve just been removed from my “Things to do-kidnap” but not from my “Things to do-kill on sight” list.
    Would you kindly publish a recent photograph and wear a target over your heart, to make things easier?

  36. My Ponkey runs on banana liqueur. That makes it environmentally friendly since it runs on ethanol.

    How about we order Thai instead of Chinese? I think the elephants would prefer it.

  40. Huh? got 420

    Tee Hee Hee

    By the way I thought Parallels was cool before. Now it is teh bomb.

  41. Aahh, the smell of coffee in the afternoon PNT (Pacific Nap Time)…

    Wait, that’s not coffee, it’s new car smell! (But there’s no new car. What a ripoff!)

    …

    I had Pi for lunch, and danced to those natural logarithms until I was 86ed by the bouncers.

  42. We had pie too. The beauty of a nerd/geek school is that you get a lot of obscure excuses for free food. 🙂

    MARK

  43. Just had a terrible thought, what if the world is really flat?
    We could keep tunnelling for ever.

  45. I’m beginning to think “TP” stands for “Tunnel-Post” rather than “Tera-Post”.

    Doesn’t anyone want to come up for fresh air? (Especially with all the elephant shit around that’s stinking the place up. I don’t think they sell Febreze in 55-gallon drums.)

    Somebody better turn up the speed on the exhaust fans. (But not too high; nobody wants to get sucked through one of those.)

  46. And here I am thinking “TP” stood for Tera Patrick. Dumb me.

    On another note, I *DID* come up for fresh air. Problem is I *STILL* have no idea where I am. At least I think I came up, I can see this bright fireball in the sky now which should be the sun and the ceiling is all blue and stuff, just like the sky.

    Please tell me no one is playing any kind of jokes on me. Did anyone create a room with a large burning sphere that moves across a blue ceiling? If you did, can you tell me where the fuck I ended up? I got a little lost after that ordeal with the iPrarieDogs ….

  47. Time to clean the TP!

    All I need to do is to trigger the explosion of the old iPlug (that never got it’s firmware upgraded) that is in the dam.
    Then all wee need to do is add a little bleach and soap and everything should smell nice and clean.

    I’ve already attached snorkels to all the critters down here, but you may want to grab a scuba tank and a white water raft.

    *BOOOOOOM*

  50. Quick get in the raft Psyko. Sexbots make sure Nxxx has his scuba gear on.

    Hold on tight we are coming up on some white water.

    AAAHGHGHHGGH

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