You know, I’d feel bad about us not getting a post together tonight, but I know for a fact that you just come here for the comments anyway, so it’s no big deal.
Anyway, you’ve got the whole weekend ahead of you and a wad of cash in your sweaty little fist (which is all covered in Cheeto dust), so maybe you could dump a little of it on one of our fine advertisers.
There’s Rogue Amoeba. They make good stuff. Although Kafasis tried to kill me that one time.
Well, there’s also Delicious Monster. The things they can do with an iSight camera. Tell you what. Although Shipley did call me a… well, let’s just say he said I like to do something to dogs that I don’t. Totally. I mean… really. I don’t even know how that would work.
Anyway, that brings us to our new advertisers: Shiny White Box and Many Tricks. They also make boss software and so far neither of their CEOs has tried to kill me or accused me of being into bestiality.
Of course, we’ve only just met so…
I should probably give them some time.
…
Do you think Gruber has this kind of relationship with his advertisers?
I’ve been avoiding the tunnels lately. It’s not safe down there.
About a hundred miles south of here a band of sightless thugs has commandeered the network of tunnels. They tore out all the chandeliers and are using the darkness as cover while they mug or kidnap tunnel travelers. They appear to be forming a militant blind cartel, raising funds by selling their handicapped parking permits and pencils. The police are hesitant to go after them because they say the tunnels are out of their jurisdiction, and besides, they haven’t been able to decipher the group’s demands and ransom notes, as they are typed in the Braille version of the San Francisco font from System 6. So nobody really knows what they want.
Anyway, I’m staying topside until the whole thing blows over.
Let’s blockade the tunnels that the thugs inhabit,seal them off and reboot those tunnels to Vista and wait for them to come crashing down around their heads. We don’t need that stuff spreading, had enough trouble with the iPrairiedogs and the iBadgers. It’s just a thought. Maybe we move those Zunes from tunnel √-1 into that area, that would drive em out. That, or just stampeed the elephants through there.s
We don’t want to lose the tunnels, just the thugs. I say we just fill them with bleach again.
MARK
You know, there ARE a few iPrairiedogs left in storage.
Let’s just toss them in along with a few kittens. That should take care of ’em.
Or just the kittens.
Equipped with iFlames.
Del,
Master, sorry, Mistress of the Animal Designers, that sounds wrong too, please conjure up something to clear the thugs. Note that the original Thuggis, throttled their victims with silk scarves, so they’d better have strong necks.
Last time I saw Del, she was still out on the lanai drinking Amaretto Stone Sours.
I don’t know how many she’d had, but she said something about showing her tattoo….
If Del is only showing her tattoo, she is still can come up with a worthy animal combo. But once she starts dancing, we are on our own.
Are the iLlamas up to the task? We really haven’t put then to use yet.
Would hate to use the elephants, they seem so happy now that the turtles keep them company.
Hey, I’m lounging on the lanai with margarita sno-cones, and I don’t see Del around. I think she went to work. That might be her bikini up there in the tree, though.
The iLlamas are still in beta, but if you wanna toss one in to see what happens, go right ahead.
Should be… colorful, if nothing else.
I think we are approaching this problem wrong, blind thugs in a dark tunnel, we need a mammal (yes, let’s stick to our kingdom on this) that is acustom to the dark. I think (but not sure) the iMole has been tried, so let’s go for the iBat.(yes, the flying mammal, not the wooden club) Let the iBats start flittin’ around down there, it’s sure to drive those thugs out. Any volunteers for the iBat project?›
Sorry I’ve been gone. I’ve been trying to take care of the thug problem.
Since Thugs are a cross of a thrip and a slug I think I have developed the perfect thing to get rid of them. I’ve been working on a predatory nematode/marine iguana cross.
I figure since predatory nematodes are excellent at taking out thrips and marine iguanas spit salt water that this would be perfect combination. I let loose a bunch in the tunnels. (I do have to say watching them crawl around is a bit creepy). I think the thug problem is solved.
BTW has anyone seen my bikini bottoms?
I didn’t know we had chandeliers. I didn’t even know anyone here even knew how to play chandeliers.
Del. No. I did see Modern Marvels last night though.
Um… Sorry Del.
I think one of the iLlamas ate them…
Del, thanks for the quick turnaround. Only one question, um do the the carnivorous sea iguanatodes no the difference between thugs and other living species? Now we got the tunnels all clean, gotten therapy for the iPrairiedogs massacre and the elephants are all so happy, I would hate to see the iLlamas not even get out of beta.
And we are still upgrading the French Maid/Nurse Sextbots. Seems like we will either have to add batteries or do better power management. A few of the personnel around here are either hypochondriacs or used their lunch money on co-pays.
Sorry Del,
Are they YOUR bikini bottoms?
I’ve been letting the turtles camp in them.
Now I know why they were so frisky.
“carnivorous sea iguanatodes” tee hee hee I like that. Plus we can call them by their initials CSI, especially since they seem to be at every crime scene. Of course they’ve created most of the recent crime scenes around here.
I think we’ll be safe from the CSI at least for a while. I gave them some chalk and they are drawing thug outlines all over the place.
I’ve asked Apple to send over Nuclear PowerCells for French Maid/Nurse Bots so they can keep up with all the cleaning and injuries. In the meantime I’ve upgraded them to the new “sugar” batteries. My buds at St. Louis University gave me a couple to test out. I’ve got the Maids running on Mt. Dew and the Nurse Bots running on Hot Chocolate. Whatever you do, do not put the Mt. Dew into the Nurse Bots. Your HMO will not cover the ensuing damage.
Carnivorous sea iguanatodes.
Is them good eatin’? Because I sense a real entrepreneurial opportunity for someone here. We have so many excess critters running around in the tunnels that the hungry could be fed in style with the right approach.
iFlame-Grilled Iguanatode. Dumbo Burgers. iBadger-Pops.
Frankenfood never sounded so good, though the vegetarians and anti-GM crowd would be left out.
Possible names for the greasy-spoon food stands in the tunnels:
Ace’s Scarf ‘n’ Barf
Del’s Masticate ‘n’ Regurgitate
Psyko’s Heave ‘n’ Leave
Nxxx’s Leafy Lounge
Wait, I’m not done…
Rip’s Meat Beatery
Doc’s Swallow ‘n’ Wallow
King’s Ingestapalooza
Vit’s Swill ‘n’ Spill
Huh?’s Club Grub
Okay, maybe I am done.
Just a passing thought, yes I know it should have kept passing but iGuanatode should be modified and be re-launched as iGuanatoad, then they could jump as well.
Nxxx,
That is a really good idea, since the thugs are gone we don’t really need the tode. We should be able to replace it with toad. Since Ace wan’ts to eat them I’ll try to use hallucinogenic toad instead of poisonous toad.
Will it taste like chicken?
Ahh, I can see it now, Ace’s Toad Lickatorium, gig’em, lick’em, stick’em, cook’em, eat’em. Such a simple business concept, sure to go far.
Let’s try gig’em, lick’em, stick’em and fricaseum, that flows better.Even though I didn’t spell that last word right. W
Rip’s Raggedy-Ass Roadhouse Restaurant is now open.
Our menu features rigatoni remoulade, roquefort ribs, rump roast, rockfish ragout, ratatouille, and rhubarb.
Riff-raff welcome.
Oh, yes, and CSI in a delicate marshmallow and iLlama sauce.
Del,
You Yanks yellow?
Japanese eat poisonous fish so why not Poisonous iGuantoad Greasy Spoons? Life is a chancy thing anyway and making customers sign waivers should avoid financial responsibility.
Willing to have a go, Ace?
But if you give them hallucinatoads and weapons you can video the ensuing hilarity and put it up on youtube.
Now there’s a business model.
Is there a type of poison where the antidote is also a poison? That is, two poisons are antidotes for each other? So if you take either one, you need also to take the other or it’s death?
Alternatively, are there two substances which are independently harmless, but deadly in combination?
I need this info for the mystery novel I’m writing. It’s a typical mystery except that all the characters are parakeets wearing little noirish outfits.
Ace,
I saw an anime movie that was like that. This woman character was poisonous so those who kissed her, etc. would die. Then this guy gets poisoned. He finds out the only cure is to kiss the girl and let the two poisons nullify each other.
BLAH BLAH BLAH Briggs’ roommate attacks
and the MARK! that briggs always puts up
cause he’s weird…
weirdo
gtg now
(>^_(>0_o)>
Maybe should call it the GTD Gastrotrium. Then we can say not only get it done, but done rare, medium or well.
Well not quite one poison for the other but the antidote for methanol, anti-freeze or even rubbing alcohol is lots of ETHANOL. So if the iguanatoads can secrete one of those 3, would do wonders for bar sales I think.
Sure. Gastrotrium will combine well with Ofuckmium for some hellacious cocktails.
I am astonished!
We completely missed April Fool’s Day!
Oh, the shame!
Doc,
We shifted the space-time continuum back 24 hours.
APRIL FOOL.
I’m not surprised this crew missed posting on April Fools day, I’m sure we were all to busy getting the gags on the people we know in the real world. Both of them.
I was too busy trying to sign up for Google TiSP yesterday. http://www.google.com/tisp/
I spent hours trying to get enrolled to be in the beta before I realized it wouldn’t work out in the boonies with my septic tank.
The real world? Is that therealworld.org, .net, .com? Or is it some Twitter thing I didn’t hear about? Come on. What gives?
I’m having trouble with my parakeet murder mystery. I mean, what’s the motive? What do parakeets want, anyway?
Nuts.
No, Nxxx, that’s the squirrels that want nuts.
Parakeets want respect.
I’ve got a true story that might make for an interesting Parakeet murder mystery. A friend of mine had a parakeet by himself. He was very lonely and stopped eating so they got him a toy parakeet as a pet. He started eating again but after a while he became concerned that his new plastic lady never ate.
He began trying to “feed” her by regurgitating his meals onto her, and stopped eating himself. My friend was in a bit of a conundrum. If she took the toy out he wouldn’t eat because he was lonely. If she left the toy in he would just regurgitate all his food onto the toy. Her parents wouldn’t let her get another parakeet to keep him company.
Eventually we came up with a plan. We took the toy off the perch and laid it in the bottom of the cage like she had fallen there dead. (We took Petey out of the room so he didn’t see us meddling). When we returned him to his cage he was distraught over the “dead” toy. He spent the next couple of days poking it and prodding it, but he did eat. We eventually took the toy out of the cage after he had come to terms with the loss of his friend.
He had a long happy life after this incident. After a year my friends parents allowed her to get another parakeet to keep him company, and they lived happily ever after.
All you have to do is figure out what a single keet wants, then double it.
Thank you, thank you. I’ll be here all week.
I thought parakeets wanted a clean cage and fresh water…., oh wait, thats what they need, not nessasarily want. If they are like most creatures, they want power, dominion over all they survey, and maybe some sunflower seeds.P
Great. Thanks, KTD. Now I know my goals are roughly equivalent to those of a domesticated bird. Oh, wait. No. I also want a beer and some clean socks.
I’m better now
Del, that’s a great story. Let’s see, how would this go… a lowlife parakeet (let’s call him Johnny) scrambles for some way to make a living, learns ventriloquism, and finds a castoff toy parakeet. He gets it all dolled up, names it Delilah, and starts performing in parakeet nightclubs. The quality of his birdseed improves markedly. But one not-so-bright parakeet named Gus frequents the shows and doesn’t realize Delilah isn’t real, and falls obsessively in love with it. Show after show, he becomes more and more jealous of the relationship between Delilah and Johnny. She’s so perky! Gus is sure he could give Delilah a better life than Johnny, especially since he learned to push a little cart. So he finally offs Johnny with some fungus-riddled seed, and to his horror finds that Delilah suddenly loses her joie de vivre (or the parakeet equivalent). So he puts Delilah in the little cart and walks the boardwalk, hoping that his new girlfriend will forget Johnny and come out of her funk. Then one day he sees a cuttlebone…
I guess at some point, someone’s going to have to notice that Johnny’s disappeared, but I don’t think that’s going to happen.
Gee, that comment didn’t seem that satanic to me.
When I was a child I had a fever… My hands felt like two balloons!
You know what really ticks me off? That Borat poster. It doesn’t say Borat, it says Voydt. Like, what’s up with that!? Just because Д kinda sorta looks like A doesn’t mean it sounds that way.
Ace and Del,
Which of you is nearer the Hollywood tunnel? It’s a great story and the Coens are already interested.
The problem is there is no space big enough down here to show it.
Send in the iRabbots.
That’s a good story Ace. A good finish may be that Gus finally loses his patience with Delilah and breaks her into pieces. The irony could be that while killing Johnny wasn’t a crime, littering is and Gus does hard time for leaving the plastic bits all over.