[Technical Note: The site had some “issues” last night so there was no Thursday post. To make it up to you, please accept this post which has been upgraded from “regular recipe” to “extra crispy” and comes with a free soda that you can collect at the Dell Direct Store in your local mall. If they don’t seem to know what you’re talking about, just keep demanding your free soda louder and louder until you get it. Or until mall security arrives.]
Apple and Cisco are reportedly in late talks attempting to salvage a deal on the iPhone trademark before the matter heads to court.
Crazy Apple Rumors Site has a transcript of the latest meeting that provides a heady look into the head-to-head negotiations between these two technology powerhouses.
APPLE: I have been forced to succumb to your childish attempts to get my attention and I now bring an offer I believe you cannot refuse.
CISCO: Unlikely, as your past entreaties have been as meaningless to my senses as the collected works of Rob Schneider. But speak.
APPLE: Hear now my words and witness your own undoing. $750,000, lunch at the fast-food establishment of your choice and the original cloak and blaster from a 1981 Star Wars Jawa collectible action figure. I know you have the action figure but are missing the cloak and blaster! Ah-ha! I have you!
CISCO: Ha! Again we see that there is nothing you have that I want, whereas something precious to you is in my possession. For I traded the Jawa for a cloak and lightsaber for my Luke Skywalker action figure last week!
APPLE: Blast! That would explain why Google approached me on Monday about the Jawa cloak and blaster.
CISCO: Well, if our business is at an end here…
APPLE: No! Wait.
CISCO: Ah, you have more shiny baubles to dangle before me, as if I were some country bumpkin fresh to the big city?
APPLE: Mock if you will, but consider this: $1,000,000, a case of Mickey’s Big Mouths and an original Major Matt Mason action figure, with his internal wires all still intact! Now, give me the iPhone trademark!
CISCO: Does he still have his helmet? And is there any paint chipping?
APPLE: He does have his helmet but there is some light chipping around the buttocks.
CISCO: Unacceptable. Clearly this means more to you than it does to me. You must do better.
APPLE: Very well. I have saved the best for last. $1,500,000, a huge bucket of delicious kettle corn and a 1978 issue of the Space: 1999 comic book pencilled by none other than the legendary John Byrne! Bagged and boarded! Let’s make a deal!
CISCO: Mmm. No. No. Byrne’s work has not aged well as the influence of Japanese anime has improved the medium. I grow tired of these discussions and wish to watch Adult Swim.
APPLE: No! It is I who grow tired and wish to retire to my fainting couch and have my feet massaged by bisexual Thai handmaidens!
CISCO: Ooh! I want that, too! And Adult Swim!
APPLE: Well, at least on this we agree.
CISCO: But I still don’t want you to use “iPhone”.
APPLE: Damn you to hell!
CISCO: Ha-ha! I’m the anthropomorphization of a soulless commercial and legal construct known as the corporation! I hardly think that’s going to happen!
APPLE: Still, your torments will be long and painful, wherever they are carried out.
CISCO: Oh, you say that to everyone who sues you.
APPLE: [sigh] Perhaps.
CISCO: Hmm. Well… let me see the Major Matt Mason.
APPLE: I… don’t have him on me…
CISCO: Oh, come on! It’s like you’re not even trying!
Apple and Cisco were reportedly last seen at a Shakey’s, arguing over what toppings to get on a pizza they were splitting.
first?
Cisco should have taken the cloak and blaster. Now my collection is complete! Bwa-ha-ha!
and I even read the post.
This whole dialogue sounds oddly familiar… Is Cisco really just IBM trying to get back at Apple for dumping them in public like that at WWDC 2005?
5??
Top 10! I knew my day would come!
I think if Apple threw in the unitread and space bubble, they would have a deal.
I think Apple should have offered to pay for the pizza and added in a coupon for one free topping on the next purchase.
I will take Mashed Potatoe Sculptures for $200, Alex
Whoo Hoo! top ten!
That was nice and all, but the words and picture don’t sync up right….
Eleven!?
John,
Jawa was and possibly still is a Czech motorcycle manufacturer. Franta Stasny used to do the GPs on a 350cc, they made a successful speedway bike and engine and pretty good Motocrossers and enduro machines.
Did the apprentices make the 1981 cloak and blaster for Star Wars?
13, It’s all I could come up with. sad,.. isn’t it.
Mr. Moltz, thanks for the tip about mall security. All I needed was back up. Once they showed up in their SWAT gear, Dell finally gave me my free soda. In addition, they gave me a fat packet of Dell Dollars, legal tender for store purchases.
Would anyone like my packet of Dell Dollars?
Or the soda? It’s a Fresca.
I couldn’t help but mentally inserting “ha HA!” at the end of every line.
I love me some o’ that kettle corn. Does that come with the dead rabbit?
And so it continues. Will they ever cease?
This dialogue is clearly fictitious.
Were these two companies to meet face to face, Jobs would undoubtedly have cast the pompous blasphemers at Cisco into the fiery abyss for using the iPhone’s name in vain.
Sgt. Storm,
I had the space bubble. Still have a picture of me dressed as a cowboy with the space buble sitting on my parent’s lime green carpet in the background.
I remember it like it was 2002. Which, actually, was when the picture was taken.
Cisco should really accept the Maj. Matt Mason offer. The paint damage sounds pretty minor, and the damn seat in the space crawler will do that. The helmet and visor had better be in good shape though, not to mention the skeleton wires.
Yeah, I had all that stuff too, including the two-story moon base. Never did figure out how the air was supposed to stay inside given that open grid floor. While we’re at it, what was with that alien with the transparent green head? Callisto was the name I think. It’s like they thought we wouldn’t notice Mattel had cribbed the name from that moon of Jupiter.
Mattel… Matt, crap I only just got the association! That just ruins the whole thing for me.
Actually, I never noticed that either, but that doesn’t bother me.
Callisto was awesome. I used to spend hours looking into his head. His gun shot a string when you pressed this plunger.
I also had the command center thing that looked like the Enterprise bridge and folded up into a briefcase so, you know, you could easily carry your whole dorky-assed collection over to your dorky-assed friend’s house.
Perhaps Apple will counter witn $2 million, a 40 oz. can of Schlitz Malt Liquor, and the complete Star Wars: Empire Strikes Back Action Figure Collection from 1983, complete with collector’s case.
Which they would, if they had it.
Come right over Steve, let’s talk about how much you’re willing to pay me for my dorky-assed action figure collection. The fate of the universe hangs in the balance!
Well, all the toys I had I broke.
Usually while playing.
I guess.
Now I doubt about that, but no matters.
Anyone to collect parts of toys ?
Some are very tiny, you know…
I forgot about the string-gun. That was cool. Getting back on-topic, if Apple threw in a string-gun, Cisco would fold in an instant.
Good thing I wasn’t there negotiating. I’m a sucker for kettle korn.
I’ll take Popular mp3 Players for 600, Alex.
Apple should have offered a Mooninite. Well Cisco accepted (who can resist a Mooninite?), they should have detonated the thing, and blown up Cisco, taking the trademark back to Cupertino.
Space: 1999 comic and Cisco turned it down? That show was GOLD (Maya could shape shift for me *any day*).
Me and all my dorky-assed friends were into Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea. I can still hear Kowalski, “Captain Crane, the reactor is going critical.” as though it was an anomaly and an emergency instead of the real equivalent of “Cap’n, we finally got the fucker started.”
Man cannot live by bread alone. Man also needs bologna, pasteurized process American cheese slices, and French’s yellow mustard. A chilled IPA also helps.
Alright, Mr. Slackass! An early morning post hardly makes up for the missed post the night before if it’s also in lieu of the scheduled Friday night post.
Sheesh. What a scam. I’ll bet you staged the Word Press errors Thursday night just to get out of posting, too. (Yeah, I know how easy it is to edit wp-config.php, Fakey McFaker.)
I would like to cancel my subscription, Sir.
Oh, sure you’d like to cancel your subscription.
You know it as well as I do…
We’re stuck with each other.
And I did not stage the WordPress errors, I simply took lemons and made vodka-infused lemonade.
[sluuuuuuuuuuurp]
Ummmmm… I was sort-of hoping that the help desk would be open yesterday. I’ve got this kind-of-a rash thing that just doesn’t seem to be getting better… I talked to a Mac Genius and they said that I had to call down to California. When I talked to them, they said it was probably environmental, or it could be my logic board. But they also said that unless I stop scratching it, even my AppleCare plan won’t help me.
Damn. What do I do now? I don’t think I can wait a week, these kernel panics are really uncomfortable (and embarrassing).
Wolf! Wolf!
The Bill just sold 1,711,000 shares for $50,000,000. Is he just trying to buy the first iPhone. Allchin indicated The Bill’s first contact entry should be Joe Avagodros number (in binary). Joe has been back dating that cute half Japanese girl. The Bill asked which half.
I want my money back. All of it. Every last penny. Including the quarter I got for my allowance in July, 1965, that I wasted on a stupid cap gun that never worked.
I’m still pissed about that.
I still want a pony too, by the way.
YDL FTW!
John,
I amazed at how many times I write, “That was the best Help Desk ever.”.
I’m amazed at how many times I write, “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.”
A quite entertaining missive on the ongoing discussion. As a stockholder in both companies, I sincerely hope that Apple isn’t forced to ruin a good collection of action figures, while at the same time I hope Cisco manages to acquire the necessary accessories.
Pink. Because sometimes a man just likes to feel pretty.
If Joe is back dating a half Japanese girl, is that more or less worrisome than back dating options. Or is it just a different set of options?
And what about little Nell?
Thats been covered in the classic “For Whom The Nell Tolls”
And Grey’s Elegy in a country churchyard.
And Dickens.
And in that rugby song. Oh, sorry that was Josephine.
Ah, the meaning of life! That would be for post #42, not the other stuff.
Although, rabbit-flavored kettle corn might be interesting…
What I reall ywant to know is when are the Herculoids coming out on DVD? Which was your favorite, Gloop or Gleep?
Did Jack–I mean, John, take another day off?
I hope CARS isn’t sliding off into AtAT-ville. I’m just sayin.
“The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.”
Why does the fox have to be brown? How come the dog never gets to be brown!
I propose from hitherforto (which is a very official sounding word):
The quick lazy fox jumps over the brown dog.
And Cafe Macs only has one F.
Completely off topic and non-funny:
Does anyone know what happened to Your Mac Life? The site has disappeared.
I would not have taken the Byrne “Space 1999” either. I mean come on, his stuff stinks of crap and his treatment of major characters led to people saying things like. “Looks like another hero is going to be in the ICU: Byrne Ward.”
It’s like he tries to ruin childhoods. Just like my sister did when she broke my Empire Strikes back Han Solo in Hoth Snow suit. He had a lightsaber.
I bet Cisco would accept a han solo with a lightsaber.
I miss Shakey’s. Our high school baseball coach would take us there after games for the all-you-can eat pizza buffet. But I digress . . .
Fine.
John,
If there is no post tonight be so kind to at least let us know…
I’m having withdrawal issues. In between bites of powdered, raspberry filled donuts.
And if there is , nadda, nothingness. I may be forced to hurl my last powdered, raspberry filled donut north. Though it will probably not travel past Portland… too late I ett it. Never mind.