New Beta Coming From Parallels.

Parallels announced yesterday that Parallels Desktop is out of beta and now provides compatibility with Leopard and Vista.

But Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that the company has plans to expanded its product line-up beyond merely allowing Mac OS X and other platforms to run other operating systems in separate environments.

Parallels Desktop for Reality, expected to go into beta shortly, goes one step further, allowing separate bubble universes to form on any computer running Windows 2000, XP, Vista, Mac OS X, and releases of Linux that do not contain the word “foobar” in source-code comments.

Desktop for Reality uses the hypervisor feature of modern processors to tear small rents in the fabric of time and space, and then encapsulate those in a graphical user interface. Because processors can calculate at rates that allow relativistic effects to appear in each window’s frame (or window) of reference, time can be slowed or sped up within each bubble universe.

For instance, a Photoshop rendering operation that might take 100 years in regular time can be launched in a virtual window in which time is sped up to a factor of 100,000 relative to our own. While this would require a display that could handle 1024 by 1920 parsecs to display, Desktop for Reality can scale to fit. Also, sources warns that Photoshop images will be red-shifted or blue-shifted, depending on time dilation and the observer position in our universe, and require additional color correction.

Sources believe that its Incoherence mode will be used the most, however. In Incoherence, fundamental events in the computer history timeline can be modified before a bubble reality is launched. The beta comes preloaded with “Woz decides to keep building calculators for HP,” “Jeff Bezos was killed in that helicopter crash and replaced with a robot named Amazon Prime,” and “IBM buys MS-DOS outright from Ballmer, Gates, instead of licensing it.”

Preliminary release notes for the beta of Desktop for Reality say that side effects may include vertigo, nausea, and hallucinations due to the computer’s localized control over the creation of bubble universes and time flow, but only because they need to tweak the USB 2.0 drivers a bit further. They also warn that you should make sure and leave Ironic Outcome unchecked in the Edit menu, as it might result in you being trapped within a universe of your own making in which Mac OS X never existed.

41 thoughts on “New Beta Coming From Parallels.”

  1. Will it come with a recipe for apple crumb cake. I love apple crumb cake.

    Also, I’m wondering if they’ll have a version that can program a flux capacitor. I want to get laid in 1973 (probably late May), and I think I know the line I want to use to get Shirley Kimbrowski to notice me.

    Aw crap. We’re out of pimientos again.

    Fourth or so.

  2. Ah! Sweet! Does it come with a localized slipspace anomaly? That’s what they said about my flux capacitor!

    Hey Moltz, did you ever use the astronomy program Redshift?

  3. As a matter of fact, I did use Redshift. Maybe I should turn the house upside down and find that CD and pop it into the ol’ Performa 6400. Which, I’ll have you know, I recently put the old 40 GB drive from my Power Mac G4 400 into.

    Oh, yeah, you heard that right. I have a Performa 6400 upgraded to a blazing 240 Mhz and a 40 GB hard drive.

    Dan Knight ain’t got nothin’ on me, baby.

    Frankly, however, I cannot find one blessed thing to do with that machine. I mean, I can’t sell it. No one wants it. And I’d have to pay to get rid of it. So what the hell do you do with a Performa 6400?

    Of course, there were some who said that right when they came out, but I actually think it’s a pretty good machine. It has a subwoofer in it.


  4. So if a chew a piece of Bubblicious I can have a unverse where I have half-Asian sexbots and Bill Gates valet parking my car?

    Let that simmer a bit, then we can use it to start the car.

  5. > “releases of Linux that do not contain the word “foobar” in source-code comments”

    Are they like “versions of Windows that don’t suck”?

  6. I had a Performa 6400 and a 6500. I experienced the same dilemma you’re facing John.

    I moved.

    I mean, not just to get rid of those machines, but when the cleaning, sorting and packing to move started… Let’s just say they were overlooked.

  7. FUBAR is spelled “F-U-B-A-R”. It’s an ack-ronym.

    duh. ?

    (Ah just love the smell of BSOD in the am.)

  8. Moltz, regarding your Performa 6400, you might donate it to a school and claim the tax writeoff for the charitable contribution. That’s better than paying someone to haul it off.

  9. I hope it includes Time-Splice with Shuttle and Insert editing in the first release. I have a few edits I need to make in my younger years. I really want to fix that time when Amy Braun was sitting on my leg and noticed too late she had nothing on under her dress. Or was it Beth? No Beth was the brat.

    Or did I imagine it? Crap… maybe my version was “Better than Reality.”

    I think I need to go play a TIV.

  10. Who put all this crap in front of MY home ?

    I thought you human couldn’t even imagine this place I’m in ?

    I don’t want that heap of Performa 6-what-the-hell-the-hundreds-are-00 !

    My wifes, Shirley Kimbrowski, Amy Braun and Beth, would like to keep this place clean.

  11. I put my Performa in a “Time Capsule” for future generations to find and ponder our existence. It has a copy of the Mega-Post on the hard drive.

    OK, so I put it in a plastic bag and buried it in my back yard next to that Hoffa guy and my old Mac Plus.

  12. I think you neglected to mention the possibility to destroy the present universe if the bubbles are allowed to bump into eachother and meld. Of course, there is a chance that Bill Gates would then start building calculators for HP….

  13. I probably shouldn’t mention this, but when OS X 10.5 releases you’ll be able to use Time Machine to go back to an era when that old Performa was actually useful. Of course, that will be before the invention of Time Machine, or even OS X itself, so you’ll be stuck then.

    Hmmm, after a quick look-around, I can’t say that would a bad thing. This era obviously leaves a lot to be desired. I mean, I still don’t have a flying car and a house on the moon. What’s with that?

    Foo… Bar?

  14. There are billions and billions of microuniverses. About as many as there are bubbles in a bottle of Pellegrino. Or as they say in Brazil, aqua, con gas.

    Of course, you can also have it san gas. But that’s boring. As the Portugese saying goes, san gas is like a flat earth. It’s, well, hmmm…


    Oi, meu amor.

  15. Maybe we could come up with a universe were “irregardless” is not only just in the dictionary, but is gramiticly correct and in constant usage by everyone every day.

  16. Or if you will, imagine a world without Yoko Ono and Mark David Chapman and brain cancer, and where Apple Corps is named, um, Plum (or whatever). Then you’d have Apple Computer with all 72 Beatles albums on iTunes, since the Beatles wouldn’t break up, stay together, tour a lot, retire, come back, tour again, rinse and repeat…

    …Oh wait. That would be like the Rolling Stones. Never mind.

    Why yes, she’s with me. Actually, she’s half Japanese.

  17. What they appear to be saying in Brazil today is: “Report on our violent crime and we’ll kill you!”

  18. Which half is Japanese?

    I’m all Scandihoovian, by the way. I like to go for long walks in tunnels. Also I like puppies and kittens, and my oncologist has a great sense of tumor.

    Don’t ignore the man behind the curtain; he’s making the puppet work.

  19. My former boss was obsessing over what colours to paint some new equipment and ruled out red and blue because of Doppler shift effects. Seriously. Some of us thought the thing should be red on one half and blue on the other, and he vetoed the idea.

    I’m not kidding.

    Look, I know it sounds absurd. You don’t understand who I have to deal with. Or where I work, for that matter. Heck, in retrospect his concern wasn’t really invalid.

    Maybe I shouldn’t have said that.

    Yup. That was definitely too much information. The Division Head’s not gonna be happy.

  20. Yeah, I remember that Brazil. A nice hotel room on the 15th floor overlooking Copacabana Beach (with no girls from Ipanema or Barry Manilow in sight) with the breezes blowing cool air into the room. Over the sound of automatic gunfire as the drug dealers take over the Favela behind the hotel.

    Wait, I was supposed to say something funny…

    Ah well, Tim Cook said they sold 90 million iPods! Hahahaha, Zune that Ballmer!

  21. Is it just me or does Perfoma sound like Marlon Brando in a cross between Requiem for a Heavyweight and Chorus Line?

    “I coulda bin sumbuddy. I coulda bin a performa.”

    Yeah. I had one.

  22. As a matter of fact, the Performa does have YDL on it. But I could never get YDL to run the monitor in anything other than 640 X 480 without throwing up all over me.

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