Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: I know you’re not really on the Security Bitch Watch beat anymore because, well, it’s March. But I was reading about the emails David Maynor sent to Apple and… wow. I mean, he initially contacts Apple about some wifi exploit but then he gives them code for a Linux exploit and then he won’t shut up about a Bluetooth exploit. What is up with this guy?

A: Well, as it turns out, David Maynor is actually composed of thousands of smaller David Maynors constantly competing for control of the larger construct we call “David Maynor.”

Q: Oh. You mean he’s schizophrenic?

A: No. I mean he’s actually made up of little people.

Q: Wow! But, I mean, shouldn’t someone like at MIT or the government or something capture him and stow him away in a facility somewhere and study him? You know, somewhere where he doesn’t have access to a Mac?

A: Well, yes. And, as a matter of fact, Crazy Apple Rumors Site would like to encourage all of its readers to contact their representatives and ask them to have David Maynor taken off to a top-secret S.H.I.E.L.D. facility for study.

Q: Awesome! Mine’s Ted Stevens so I just know he’s totally going to go for that!

A: Oh, man, I wish I had wacky representation.

Q: Oh, you do, dude. You do.

Q: I installed the iTunes update on two computers this week, one a Mac and the other a PC. Now here’s something that’s bothered me – I had to reboot one machine, and it wasn’t the PC. What’s up with that? I mean, why is Apple making its Mac-using customers do more work than its Windows-using customers?

A: Isn’t it obvious? iTunes on Windows is a mess.

Q: Hmm. Well, I guess that’s true. So, the reboot thing is just Apple’s way of making it all even out?

A: Well, that and it’s also that the piece that makes the Mac version of iTunes so much more stable is the part that requires a reboot.

Q: Oh. What part is that?

A: Hell if I know. Who do I look like? Bertrand Serlet?

Q: Mmm, no.

A: Do I look like Sina Tamaddon?

Q: Not so much.

A: Do I look like Tony Fadell?

Q: No. But, hey, what’s up with that dude’s Adam’s apple? Did he get punched in the throat or something? It’s, like, on the side of his neck!

A: No, no. I think he just swallowed a first generation shuffle.

Q: Oh. Why would he do that?

A: Some sort of executive hazing ritual.

Q: Oh, like swallowing gold fish.

A: Right. Man, I tell you what. Those guys are weird.

Q: I hear that.

Q: I’m a little concerned about this whole daylight savings change.

A: OK. Have you downloaded Apple’s operating system patch?

Q: Yes, but I’m just afraid something’s going to bite me and I’m not going to wake up on time to attend morning services at Our Lady of the Vaginal Yeast Infection.

A: Bite you? You mean like a venomous snake?

Q: Uh, no, just that my alarm won’t go off.

A: Oh. Well, OK, tell you what. Just apply Apple’s patch twice.

Q: Twice?

A: Yeah. So then you’ll be two hours ahead at least.

Q: Huh. Will that work?

A: Sure. Why not? I think it will. Maybe. I don’t know.

Q: You don’t really care about my concern, do you.

A: No. Of course I don’t. I mean, “Our Lady of the Vaginal Yeast Infection”? What the hell is that?

Q: Uh… we… believe in the miracle of the immaculate yeast infection.

A: …

Q: What?

A: That’s an oxymoron!

Q: That’s why it’s a miracle! Duh!

A: Mmm… you got me there.

39 thoughts on “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. While I’m thinking about it, John, did you see my link about Mr. Doctorow and his ThinkPad?? Huh? Didja??…

    Just askin’…

    Never mind.

  2. 11th?

    Anyway, I don’t count.

    But he says he was going to put Ubuntu on his PowerBook, too. That’s what I was thinking of.

    And, also, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I don’t care about being accurate.

    That’s just the way I roll.

  3. Just finished watching “Wordplay”. It’s really good if you haven’t seen it. And like documentaries where absolutely nothing blows up.

  4. How did you know that Ted “Tubes” Stevens was my representative??? That is so totally teh awesome!!!

  5. Almost finished sitting here like a pile of boiled fettucine. It’s a fun way to spend an evening if you have absolutely nothing else ( including changing the water in the aquarium, and shampooing the cats) to do.

    Hey Rocky! Watch me pull a rabbit outta my hat.

  6. Don’t ever try to smuggle a Derringer in a sponge cake. The incongruous density is a dead giveaway. Likewise, don’t ever try to smuggle a sponge cake in a Derringer. It won’t fit.

  7. What about juggling Rick Derringer and SpongeBob?

    Weekly World News has reported that the killer penguins are on the rampage. This seems omenous. I, for one, am going to renew my subscription to the Parsley Farmer’s Home Journal. You just can’t be too safe.

  8. There’s been no early-DST patch for my alarm clock, so I’m sleeping-in from now on. Until DST is over anyway, when is that? Bleevember 32nd I think.

  9. Ah, I always wondered if Maynor was actually a hive-like being. Now it all makes sense. I just hope he doesn’t turn into a Hunter.

  10. Since the US is now going to have eight months of Daylight Savings Time versus four months of Standard Time, it’s more apparent than ever that DST is more standard than Standard is.

    I propose that we change the name “Daylight Savings Time” to “Standarder Time.”

    Or to “The New Improved Way Better Standard Time.”

    Or “Zenith at One.”

  11. Thers’s nothing wrong being made of lots of tiny people

    and to try to make things on a mac

    or with a mac

    or about mac

    or anything.

    And now can you unlock that heap of tiny doors, please ?

    We would like to go out see the tiny suns.

  12. I agree with Ace Deuce. “Daylight Savings Time” should be renamed. It isn’t interesting and has too many syllables.

    I thought it would be more interesting if we called it “Double Cheeseburger with Lettuce, Tomato, Onion, Mayo, Mustard, Extra Pickles, a side of French Fries and a Draught of Pale Ale,” but that didn’t solve the problem of too many syllables.

    I suggest we rename it “The Beatles, ” or possibly, “Snuggums.”

  13. Daylight savings should be remnamed Jennifer “Freaking” Connelly and be done with it!

  14. Pub closing time is not a good association, so “Time-Timeity-Time-Time” is right out. “Timey MacTime” won’t work either, for obvious reasons.

    Okay, so I got nothing. Next?

  15. Since my previous suggestions aren’t sticking to the wall, how does “Nap Time” work for you?

    Works for me…

  16. Well until we hold an official unofficial plebiscite, I’m going to go on calling it, “bullshit.”

    Another round of Ovaltine ™ over here, please.

Comments are closed.