Jobs Cleared in Options Probe.

Apple fans across the globe rejoiced today as it was announced that Steve Jobs has likely been cleared in the backdated stock options probe that has embroiled the company.

Sources close to the Apple CEO indicate he celebrated today by forcing Apple’s accounts payable department to write him a whole mess of checks.

“I have no idea why I bothered with this whole options thing!” Jobs said. “I mean, I’m the CEO! I can just tell them to write me checks.

Or I could tell them to get me cash


“Or bullion…

“Or… chickens…

“Or chicken bouillon…”

Meanwhile, the SEC has focused its interest on the actions of former General Counsel Nancy Heinen and former CFO Fred Anderson.

Heinen and Anderson are now reportedly on the run together, having stolen a vintage red Ford Mustang.

The two former Apple executives were last seen at a truck stop on Route 66. They stood out, eyewitnesses said, because Heinen insisted on being called “Thelma” and Anderson “Louise”.

Authorities have cordoned off every cliff along a 80-mile stretch of Route 66.

Apple has ordered 6,000 chickens which either means it’s Nugget Week at Caffe Macs or Jobs has picked a new form of compensation.

30 thoughts on “Jobs Cleared in Options Probe.”

  1. John,

    You have destroyed my faith in you. Steve, a well known veggie, would not ask for “chicken bouillon”.

    BTW Good Morning, Good Elevenses, Good Lunch, Good Afternoon Snack, Good High Tea and Good Supper. Belch.

  2. Have you taken a look at the chicken bouillon futures on Wall Street lately?

    It’s doing better than…


    Better than… uh..

    Someone wanna give me a hand here?

  3. I would ask why would a vegetarian order chicken, but McDonald’s nuggets are well known for not containing any actual meat.

  4. Oh, McDonald’s nuggets definitely contain meat, just what kind of meat may be open to discussion….

  5. Go on, take the money and run….

    Can I have some extra tartar sauce, please?

    Number nine, Number nine, Number nine, Number nine, Number nine…..

  6. Damn!

    Time spent thinking up witty comment – several dollars worth

    Time spent writing up witty comment – several dollars worth

    Extra 30 seconds spent reading comment – just enough to lose place in queue and make witty comment worthless


  7. I’ll take a number 15 with the Mechanically Separated McNuggets, the TransFat Fries and a Chocolate (Totally devoid of anything even resemlbling) Milk Shake, SuperSized, to go Please. Thank you Drive Thru.

    I heard McJobs got a call from Mr. Anderson (the Ex CFO), and he was crying about having to pay back the money and pay the fines. McJobs said something to the effect of “You knew the job was dangerous when you took it, Fred! Viva La Super Chicken” He then broke into song:

    “Fred, if you’re afraid you’ll have to overlook it,

    Besides you knew the job was dangerous when you took it

    (puk, ack!)

    He will drink his super sauce

    And throw the bad guys for a loss

    And he will bring them in alive and kickin’

    (puk, puk, puk, puk)

    There is one thing you should learn

    When there is no one else to turn to

    Call for Super Chicken!

    (puk, puk, puk, puk)

    Call for Super Chicken!

    (PUK, ACK!) ” click.

    Hey it was better that the Simpsons “Chicken Necks?” joke I was… ummm… cooking up.

    Google search Wikipedia for Super Chicken, and check out the theme song, it will make a little more sense then.


  8. Compensation in kind, in diet?, Hey, Look to Wall Street for the listings. No chicken macnuggets there, broilers, dressed A- yes, macnuggets- no. Now is the time for ipork bellies, isteers, ihominy, ibarley- (vegans revenge), icoffee uBrazilian or uColumbian.

    This is going somewhere?

  9. On the chicken front, word is out that MS is developing their own version, a four-legged fowl to appeal to the market segment that only eats drumsticks. The new product will be called “Fourum” and “Welcome to lunch” is the lead advertising campaign slogan. Product release has been speculated to be delayed as engineers are troubled with difficulty in catching the reportedly extremely fast animals. Prices are expected to be high enough to cover the cost of the entire chicken, although only legs will be distributed.

  10. Of course. I believe the chickens are shot from a large air-cannon for the amusement of various staff members. Bets are placed on how far each one flies. Fun for the entire family!

  11. Mmmhhh…bullion…glurgle…

    Oh wait, I think I meant:


    Actually, now that I’ve tried both, I find I prefer the precious metal. More platinum over here, please!

  12. With that SEC stuff over, Steve can really focus on bringing that iPhone into this plane of existance, that or coming up with some Mac worthy chicken recipes.f

  13. Billions of boullion… at first i had a vision of many little apple accounting joes opening hundreds-per-hour of those ramen packs in search of boullion packs. Then a light-bulb…. apple is building a new building..just down around the block… Steve is capitalizing…building it all out of those boullion cubes… billion’s in the building… had that Ivey guy solve the rain-melting problem… way, way ahead of the pack…

  14. I cry fowl on the Microsoft four legged chicken. I think if it were Microsoft, it would be a 3 legged chicken that had been shot up with every hormone imaginable. The upside to this would be big plump juicy chicken legs, the only problem is that the salmonella only gets worse on these chickens once you start cooking them.

    You can also share the chicken legs with your friends, but most people don’t want to touch the damn things once you have squirted the leg over to them. And if that wasn’t bad enough, the legs turn rotten after 3 bites or 3 minutes after squirting, whichever comes first.

    It has also been rumored that MS is paying .25¢ to Foster Farms for every leg sold. The CEO of Foster Farms has come out and said that if you are not buying FF or MS chicken parts, that you are obviously a chicken rustler.

    Oh, and I think that Jobs is having a meditation chamber inside of his office, made entirely of chicken bullion cubes.

  15. Just checking to see if I can post here as me. I seem to have lost my identity in the TP.

  16. Don’t take it too hard Del, all of us have lost our identities here. I, for one, have lost myself on at least two occasions that I remember, and once I had to stop and ask for directions, which caused me to consider if I might be deficient in testosterone in spite of shaving twice a day.

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