Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

And today, for some reason… his royal badness!

No, I don’t mean Prince.

Q: I have a whole mess of VBA code that Microsoft tells me I’m going to have to port to AppleScript. I’m on kind of a tight deadline. Kind of need it by Tuesday afternoon.
A: Uh, OK. Well, how much code are we talking about?
Q: Hmm, let’s see… take the Excel documents and add them to the Word documents… carry the one… uh, about 3800 files.
A: …
Q: …
A: …
Q: Well, shoot. I mean, is there something else I can do?
A: Have you considered suicide?
Q: Mmm, not gonna help. I work for Satan.
A: That would certainly explain all the VBA code.
Q: Yep. And if I kill myself I just end up right back at the same desk.
A: Man, that is one messed up HR policy.
Q: Tell you what…

Q: Oh, crappity crap crap crap.
A: Oh, I think I know what this is.
Q: Oh, shit. Oh… god. I really… oh, man, I really hosed it up this time.
A: Yep. Yep. I know. You force quit during a system update.
Q: I wish! No, this is much worse.
A: OK. OK. You deleted your home directory.
Q: No! C’mon! I mean a simple backup restore would fix that! Think big!
A: Alright. I’m just getting warmed up. Uh… does it involve flames?
Q: Not exactly, but you’re getting closer.
A: Oh! Oh! Oh! Your Mac’s been possessed by the Unholy Prince of Darkness!
Q: Uh, you overshot it a bit.
A: Oh.
Q: That would totally involve flames. But how would that even happen?
A: Oh, it happens. You have to have a familiar and, uh, then there’s a key combination where you press 6 three times and… it’s kind of complicated.

Q: I’ve been a PC user all my life but recently I’ve been reconsidering and I’d like to get a Mac. But… there’s a problem…
A: You sold your soul to Satan and you think you can’t have a Mac because it’ll reject you because you have no soul.
Q: Uh… yeah. Wow. That’s right. How’d you know that?
A: I’ve been doing this for a while. Unfortunately for you, though, you’re right. A Mac’s going to run away from you like a monkey from a jungle fire.
Q: Oh. Well, what if I collected some other people’s souls and rolled in them? Kind of masked my scent.
A: Um, no. This is a Mac we’re talking about here. It’s not a 500 Mhz Compaq running Windows 98.
Q: Well, what if it was a lot of souls? Of, like… puppies.
A: No! Frankly, I don’t even think that’s going to fool Ubuntu.
Q: Man! You know, it looked really cool in the all the brochures, but selling your soul to Satan is totally not what it’s cracked up to be!