Reports surfaced today indicating that Apple was set to bid for a portion of the wireless spectrum, opening up vast possibilities for the company in the cell phone and entertainment fields.
But Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that while Apple is mildly interested in the wireless spectrum, it also has its eyes set on a bigger prize.
According to sources in the field of quantum mechanics who declined to be identified out of fear of reprisals that could affect their very existence, Apple is planning to bid on a vast portion of reality. No longer content with simply distorting reality, Apple CEO Steve Jobs will lease it from the Throngdarian Serium, the extra-dimensional pulsating brains in a vat of fluid that manage realities.
Apple senior vice president of worldwide marketing Phil Schiller said “This means that instead of temporarily distorting reality by using the device he, uh, appropriated from Woz years ago, Steve will be able to change it completely. Instead of customers thinking iPod socks or the Dalmatian iMac are cute for just the 15 minutes that it takes to complete the purchase, they will actually be cute from the dawn of time to the end of the universe.
“But don’t worry. We totally won’t use this power for evil. Well, unless you consider our continued accumulation of personal wealth and increasing power and unchecked influence to be evil. And, uh, if you do… well… too bad.”
It’s unknown exactly why the Throngdarian Serium are interested in leasing portions of reality for material currency, but it’s thought that they just think it’s funny.
“They particularly like the little pictures of the presidents,” a source said. “And, of course, that creepy pyramid and eye thingy.”
If Apple is successful in its bid, it will need to install several Tesla devices that shoot electricity from giant glowing orbs. Sources indicate this is what Apple is constructing in preparation on its new Cupertino campus.
That and a duck pond. Because Jobs likes ducks.