Jobs Has Woz Put Down.

CEO Steve Jobs regretfully announced today that he was forced to have Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak put down this afternoon.

At a brief press conference on the Apple campus, Jobs was uncharacteristically somber.

You could tell because he was wearing a black mock turtleneck.

“It had become painfully clear that Woz was a liability for this company and its investors,” Jobs said, clearly referring to comments Woz recently made claiming that Apple probably dropped the iPhone price because it had too much inventory.

“It pained me to do it, but there was really no other option. We had let an untenable situation go on long enough.

“Plus, he was starting to smell funny.”

Jobs went on to say that he consulted with other Apple executives and alumni and they all agreed that it would best if people didn’t have to see Woz this way.

Or, really, any way anymore.

“He was like a Rob Enderle savant,” said Andy Hertzfeld.

“Pretty much everything he said about the company in the past 10 years was wrong. And since Jobs actually negotiated for a controlling interest in Woz back in the late 1970s, it was his right to have him put down any time he wanted.

“And what the hell was that smell, anyhow? It was like used floss. You ever smell used floss? Holy crap, what a horrid stench.”

Apple said that in lieu of flowers, people should just buy an iPhone.

“That’s what Woz would have wanted,” Jobs said, wiping an imaginary tear from is eye.

29 thoughts on “Jobs Has Woz Put Down.”

  1. I guess everyone else is still at the wake. That was a very nice eulogy Macintalk Badnews delivered, wasn’t it? I hear they’re going to bury him near Mac OS 9, Newton, and Lisa.

    And seriously, don’t send flowers. If the evil goat doesn’t get them, Clarus will.

  2. Noooooo! Not Woz! I hope he’s resting peacefully with Clarus, Newton, his daughter Lisa, the Happy Mac, and Mac OS 9.

  3. I saw a parade of Segways go by with their headlights on, followed by a Hummer with a coffin sticking out the back. That Woz! What a prankster: faked his own death just to throw the fuzz off his trail.

  4. So is a mock turtleneck the same as a Dickey?

    ‘Cause I don’t like having Jobs and Dickeys occupying the same real estate in my head.

    Goddamn you Moltz, it just isn’t right. This time the nightmares might not ever go away…

  5. When you say “Put Down” do you mean like saying “you stink Woz” or maybe “you’re so stoopid Woz” or perhaps “I’m totally using your toothbrush Woz”

    Or do you mean he’s been euthanized?

    I think it’s a distinction that needs to be made.

  6. Don’t ever one of you buy one of these japanese crap cars.

  7. I also heard that Jobs, uncharaterically not wearing his usual Brook brothers suit and tie, called for the assistance to sing the “song of wozdom”.
    How thoughtfull of him.

  8. Woz is gone? Okay, lets start taking bets on who Steve is going to hire to fill the co-founder slot now that Woz is no more.

  9. After that whole embarrassing fiasco with “segway polo,” this was inevitable. Well, that and the “drive a hummer to the south pole” thing.

    Poor guy.

  10. Woz was great comic relief, I mean Steve’s got his good points, but humor isn’t one of them. That, and I liked the beard.

  11. Okay. I finally finished reading it. Some of the big words threw me.

    First to say “compunctiously.” Most importantly, the first to say “compunctiously” twice.

    Alas, poor Woz, we barely gnu him.

  12. The worry is that now that Woz is gone… I won’t be far behind.

    On the plus side, I kinda have a thing for redheaded commedians.

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