Month: September 2007

MacQuarium Revised for iPhone.

The world of iPhone hacks was ripped a new one today as noted Mac writer and technology guru Andy Ihnatko has revised his well-received MacQuarium – a method of converting an all-in-one early Mac form factor into a fish tank – for the iPhone.

The iPhoneQuarium holds 10 cc of water (1/3 oz.) and can contain up to one million zooplankton, 500 brine shrimp, one flat worm, or a very irritated baby flounder.

Ihnatko has also published a companion pamphlet showing you how to use the iPhone’s SIM card slot to store one thin slice of maguro nigiri sushi.

The original MacQuarium held about two gallons of water.

“The touch screen on the iPhoneQuarium works just like a touch screen on a regular iPhone,” Ihnatko said, adjusting the brim of his hat several times. “When you touch the screen, you can ‘flick’ fish hither and fro just by tapping at the screen.

“Of course, that’s not some Core animation effect, it’s just the fish reacting to your finger. And, as everyone knows, you should never, never tap on a fish tank. No one knows why, it’s one of the great mysteries of life. I think maybe it voids the warranty on the fish or something.”

The iPhoneQuarium is portable, allowing one to view the tank’s denizens at will, as long as “you’re a sadistic bastard who thinks it’s funny to carry around living organisms, keeping them in the dark, constantly agitating them while you walk, and displaying them to others for your pleasure,” Ihnatko said. “It just depends how you roll.”

While the conversion requires a hardware hack involving disassembling the iPhone, Ihnatko said he’s working on a software-only implementation.

“I have no idea how I’m going to do that!” Ihnatko said. “I’m really looking forward to it.”

Zombie Woz Eats Joswiak's Brain.

In a disturbing incident that has shocked the Apple campus, the reanimated corpse of Steve Wozniak – who was put down just yesterday – attacked vice president of worldwide iPod product marketing Greg Joswiak and consumed his brain.

Strangely, Joswiak was listed as “in stable condition” at El Camino Hospital.

Dr. Peter Nesbitt said “Anyone who’s watched Star Trek knows that the human body can live without a brain for up to 24 hours.

“Granted, in this case the brain hasn’t been stolen to be used as a computer by aliens, it’s been consumed by a flesh-eating zombie. Still, it’s possible we could find a suitable replacement brain. Say, that of senior director iPod product marketing Stan Ng.”

Nesbitt wasn’t exactly sure what to replace Ng’s brain with.

“Uh, I was sort of just thinking that we’d work our way down. I don’t know who’s below Stan. Maybe someone could forward me an org chart.”

Nesbitt said the last person gets the evil goat’s brain.

It’s still unknown exactly who reanimated Woz and why zombie Woz sought out the brain of Joswiak. As As The Apple Turns reported years ago, Joswiak is the result of gene splicing between Woz and Jobs, leading to two possible conclusions. Either zombie Woz was seeking to restore decayed parts of his own brain with fresh Woz brain matter or he was trying to exact revenge on Jobs’ brain matter.

Exacting revenge on Jobs himself is problematic as he is guarded 24/7 by an elite team of lesbian ninja sexbots.

Chief suspects in the reanimation are Dell CEO Michael Dell, Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer and Haitian voodoo priest Jean-Paul Rauchamp.

Apple declined to comment other than to scream “OH, MY GOD! HE ATE HIS BRAIN! DID YOU SEE THAT?! OH, MY GOD!”

On the plus side, sources who witnessed the attack say Woz now actually smells better than when he was alive.

Jobs Has Woz Put Down.

CEO Steve Jobs regretfully announced today that he was forced to have Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak put down this afternoon.

At a brief press conference on the Apple campus, Jobs was uncharacteristically somber.

You could tell because he was wearing a black mock turtleneck.

“It had become painfully clear that Woz was a liability for this company and its investors,” Jobs said, clearly referring to comments Woz recently made claiming that Apple probably dropped the iPhone price because it had too much inventory.

“It pained me to do it, but there was really no other option. We had let an untenable situation go on long enough.

“Plus, he was starting to smell funny.”

Jobs went on to say that he consulted with other Apple executives and alumni and they all agreed that it would best if people didn’t have to see Woz this way.

Or, really, any way anymore.

“He was like a Rob Enderle savant,” said Andy Hertzfeld.

“Pretty much everything he said about the company in the past 10 years was wrong. And since Jobs actually negotiated for a controlling interest in Woz back in the late 1970s, it was his right to have him put down any time he wanted.

“And what the hell was that smell, anyhow? It was like used floss. You ever smell used floss? Holy crap, what a horrid stench.”

Apple said that in lieu of flowers, people should just buy an iPhone.

“That’s what Woz would have wanted,” Jobs said, wiping an imaginary tear from is eye.

Apple To Bid On Important Public Property.

Reports surfaced today indicating that Apple was set to bid for a portion of the wireless spectrum, opening up vast possibilities for the company in the cell phone and entertainment fields.

But Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that while Apple is mildly interested in the wireless spectrum, it also has its eyes set on a bigger prize.

According to sources in the field of quantum mechanics who declined to be identified out of fear of reprisals that could affect their very existence, Apple is planning to bid on a vast portion of reality. No longer content with simply distorting reality, Apple CEO Steve Jobs will lease it from the Throngdarian Serium, the extra-dimensional pulsating brains in a vat of fluid that manage realities.

Apple senior vice president of worldwide marketing Phil Schiller said “This means that instead of temporarily distorting reality by using the device he, uh, appropriated from Woz years ago, Steve will be able to change it completely. Instead of customers thinking iPod socks or the Dalmatian iMac are cute for just the 15 minutes that it takes to complete the purchase, they will actually be cute from the dawn of time to the end of the universe.

“But don’t worry. We totally won’t use this power for evil. Well, unless you consider our continued accumulation of personal wealth and increasing power and unchecked influence to be evil. And, uh, if you do… well… too bad.”

It’s unknown exactly why the Throngdarian Serium are interested in leasing portions of reality for material currency, but it’s thought that they just think it’s funny.

“They particularly like the little pictures of the presidents,” a source said. “And, of course, that creepy pyramid and eye thingy.”

If Apple is successful in its bid, it will need to install several Tesla devices that shoot electricity from giant glowing orbs. Sources indicate this is what Apple is constructing in preparation on its new Cupertino campus.

That and a duck pond. Because Jobs likes ducks.

Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
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Q: I saw the Stevenote and I’m a little confused about something. Is it a “fat” nano or a “phat” nano?

A: Oh, it’s phat. It’s totally phat. It’s phatty phat phat.

Q: Hmm. Well, see, that’s what I thought and then someone said “No, you dumbass! It’s ‘fat’ because it’s wide!” And then, um, I cried.

A: That’s so not cool.

Q: What, me crying?

A: Well, actually, yeah, that’s not cool either. But what I was talking about was people saying it’s fat. It’s not fat.

Q: No! It’s not! I mean, the screen puts on 10 pounds.

A: That 2 inch screen?

Q: Uh, no, I mean it being on the computer screen.

A: Oh, right.

Q: And some of it’s those accessories.

Q: Oh, totally. That USB cable really makes its bottom look fat. But it’s not.

A: No. And you know what really is fat? That iPod touch. It’s actually .3 inches wider. It just pulls it off because it’s taller.

Q: Yeah. That bitch.
________________

Q: You know there was a big uproar when Apple changed its name and dropped “Computer”, but I think these announcements this week really show that it’s changed its focus. I think dropping “Computer” didn’t go far enough. I think it should completely change its name.

A: Oh. Well, what do you think Apple should change its name to?

Q: Um, I dunno. How about “Steve Jobs’ Crap Factory”?

A: Hmm. That’s not bad. But I was thinking of “Shit You Don’t Need, Inc.”

Q: Nice. Direct and to the point. But let me float another one. “Buy It, Monkey!” How about that?

A: Hmm. A little aggressive.

Q: Really? In what sense?

A: Uh… the aggressive sense.

Q: Ohhh. That sense.
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Q: Oh, man, I just watched the video of the keynote and the new iPods are awesome!

A: Yeah, they really are impressive. Like that iPod touch and the new nano. They’re awesome.

Q: What about the shuffle?! It’s got video now!

A: It doesn’t have video. The nano just got video.

Q: What? No! The nano always had video! And the classic, man that is boss!

A: Yeah, 160 GB…

Q: Dude, you are so off-base. It’s 160 terabytes. Sheesh. Heh-heh. And you run a rumor site.

A: You wouldn’t have been watching that keynote while enjoying any recreational hallucinogens would you?

Q: What? No! Just beer.

A: OK.

Q: Oh. And heroin.

A: …

Q: Oh, what, is there something wrong with being addicted to heroin? Mother?

A: Uh, actually, yeah.

Q: Oh. Well, that’s a bite because… you know… I’m addicted.

A: Uh-huh.