CARS Announces New Books!

Crazy Apple Rumors Site and Giant Squid Publishing, LLC, are proud to announce a new series of books written by Editor-In-Chief John Moltz! Dubbed the “Take Control of the Missing Manual for Dummies” series, these books will show you how to wallow in the gutters of the Apple community and be the biggest succubus you can be.

While other book series by other “authors” attempt to “inform” you about “features” and “ways” you can use software or hardware “products”, the Take Control of the Missing Manual for Dummies books will encourage you to let your id run amok through a vast technological landscape formed by people who actually do something for a living instead of living in their parents’ basement like you do.

Let’s take a look at the first two books in the Take Control of the Missing Manual for Dummies series!

Take Control of Being A Whiny-Assed Apple Customer The Missing Manual for Dummies will show you, the whiny-assed Apple customer how to leverage your inherent ability to bitch, bitch, bitch. Whaaaah! The iPod’s battery runs out after five years! Whaaaah! Apple bricked my iPhone after I took a soldering iron to it and installed a bunch of crap I downloaded from a Nigerian web site!

Sure, you already sound like fingernails on a blackboard to anyone within earshot, but how can you weasel your way up to annoying bloggers, members of the press and even Apple executives?

Read the book!

Next up:

Hey, who wants to get in on some of that sweet Apple lawsuit action?!

Everyone, that’s who!

But I hear you saying, John, I’m a Linux user and I don’t own an Apple product because I’m too fricking cheap to own a decent Unix-based desktop! Whaaaaah! I’m not going to score free money!

Well, that’s an Apple lawsuit right there! Hey, if someone can sue Apple for $1 million over a $200 price drop, you can surely sue them for the pain and suffering caused by seeing people prancing around with fancier Unix-based desktop systems.

Read the book!

For some reason these aren’t on Amazon yet, but keep checking back!

Any day now.

That’s what my agent says, anyway.

44 thoughts on “CARS Announces New Books!”

  1. Number five.

    Those sound too advanced for me. I’m still trying to get the betamax to stop blinking 12:00

  2. Well, finally, the books I need are available. Will you be releasing “How to Take Control of Defending Your Decision to Upgrade to Vista on your shitbag Pentium III?” That’s one I’d buy copies of for several acquaintances.

    News: I just saw a new T-Shirt for the first time today. It said, “I was wondering why the Frisbee was getting bigger. Then it hit me.” I thought that was far more interesting than the new Zunes.

    If the buttered popcorn isn’t certified organic, I’m just going to skip the movie altogether.

  3. Nice try on the insults, Mr. Moltz. Unfortunately you missed the mark: I moved out of my parents’ basement weeks ago.

    And although I like to read and all, I think I’ll wait for the Readers’ Digest Condensed Editions since I’m so hellishly busy doing real work in the real world. No, really!

  4. But Moooollllltzzzzz….

    I deserve your book for free….

    ‘Cuz it’s baaaaaaased on me….

    Did you drop it’s price by $200? Then send me the free copy that I deserve.

    Oh, and twelve. Or maybe thirteen?

  5. So let’s say I buy one of your books. However, I tear out a half-dozen pages, and start adding in pages of my own for things I write. Which aren’t nearly as clever as your stuff but show my strong sense of individualism and more than a streak of defiance. I bought your book, it’s open, I added stuff. That’s America, dammit!

    But then you’ll come out with the paperback edition, and it will be newly revised with extra chapters on “Anti-Competitive Pricing of Lawsuits” and I’ll want that in my book too, of course.

    Are you telling me that I won’t be able to get your new revisions added to my copy of the book that I’ve already partly torn up?

    WHAT DO YOU MEAN I HAVE TO BUY A NEW BOOK! This is an outrage, and I don’t see that you are keeping the whiny self-interest of a marginal fraction of your buying public happy at your own expense!

    Giant Squid Publications – their motto: “Suckers!”

    [XVI, but what’s the point after IX, really?]

  6. where can i get a copy? i only have two braiiiin cells left after sucking on my lead coated ipod?

    top 2wenty (woo hoo)

  7. It’s not Unix-based, it’s Unix-like.

    Also, what’s wrong with Fluxbox? IMHO, it’s much better than anything Apple has, will, could accomplish. With their “icons” and their “widgets” and that big apple on the back you’d think these so-called computers are some sort of early learning toy.

  8. Feh! This is clearly a cheap knockoff aimed at picking up the crumbs from the massive success that is Take Control Books (and those Misplaced Manual guys, and whatever publisher has the Dummies these days). But I ask anyone considering purchasing these so-called “books” if they really believe a company called Giant Squid Publishing will provide the necessary free updates to keep a title like “Take Control of Being A Whiny-Assed Apple Customer The Missing Manual for Dummies” up to date with the latest Apple releases. Let’s say that at Macworld Expo in SF, Apple comes out with $99 sexbots, as expected. Will Giant Squid Publishing be working days AND nights to help you figure out how to whine about that? I think not. I think Giant Squid Publications will be too caught up in “testing” their new sexbots to do any actual writing, and you, gentle reader, will be left without the advice you need to whine effectively about a product like a $99 sexbot. I mean, at least Daring Fireball will probably get in a few good shots at the sexbots’ font choice and inconsistent use of brushed metal UI. But Giant Squid Publishing? Please, leave this stuff to the professionals.

  9. Good point, Adam. That’s precisely why I order all my books using apt-get or yum (except the ones I compile myself from source tarballs). Until this books shows up for free in DocBook format, I’m not buying it. If my computer can’t read it, I can’t see how I could possibly benefit from it.

  10. That shows you’ve little idea about CARS. They’ve got The Entity aka JFC on the team. You’ll get updates via quantum fruit loops. And no price drop panic either, since it’ll be overprized, overhyped and with a JFC-in-a-wet-shirt-contest picture included.

    ’nuff said.


  11. Anyone who’s ever been part of a Mac User Group or Mac Mailing List has that first book memorized.

  12. Wait a second… “mock announcement”?

    MOCK announcement?

    I — I think I’m having an… an episode!

    Say it ain’t not true, Moltz!

  13. The Cheese storage devices make complete sense now. Apple is providing their users with cheese to go with their whine.

  14. John, I’m glad you wrote this article, because, bitch, where’s my money! I wrote Take Control of Your Missing Pimp, Manuel, Dummy! and I haven’t seen a dime.

  15. The trackbacks also show Take Control of Creating Dummy Sites for Dummies That Get Google Ad Clicks and Steal TidBITS Contents without Permission…

  16. Content! Actual content … and actually funny!

    Um, am I on the wrong site? Is this CARS?

    Yup. Wrong site.

  17. Huh. All these years I’ve been doing it backwards. I just moved my parents out of their basement. They kept using up all the toilet paper and bitching about being out of celery and pimiento cheese.

  18. Adam, John…Brillliant. Now if someone could write “Take Control…Misplaced…Dummies for Comment Writing.”

  19. So.. instead of Linux, what Unix is it I’m supposed to buy? … OS X? That will be great, as soon as it is released for decent hardware.

  20. I couldn’t understand some parts of this article CARS Announces New Books!, but I guess I just need to check some more resources regarding this, because it sounds interesting.

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