Bungie To Leave Microsoft.

Members of the Apple community are rolling in feather pillows tonight and rubbing themselves with Crisco as reports indicate that Bungie is leaving Microsoft and becoming an independent game developer again.

Despite Game Informer’s claims that Microsoft will retain first right of refusal on all future Bungie games, Crazy Apple Rumors Site sources say that Bungie will return to being a Mac-first developer. This news brought a near orgasmic response from long suffering Mac gamers.

[Editor’s Note: I cut the near orgasmic response from Mac gamers. It was icky. It’s bad enough that I had to read it, I’m not going to make you read it.]

First on the menu for Bungie will be a much-awaited sequel to its once flagship title, Marathon. While many have incorrectly considered Halo to be a Marathon sequel, the true sequel will feature an entirely new engine based on Core Graphics and a OS X port of Input Sprockets and will be written only for the Mac platform. After that, Bungie will go on to write a sequel to Myth and then a prequel to Pathways Into Darkness that will actually be done with a stereopticon.

As unbelievable and an out-of-the-blue realization of a long-held pipe dream as this news seems, it’s not all. Sources also say that:

  • Your old girlfriend called and she totally wants to get back together with you.
  • Your parents weren’t lying to you when you were 5, your dog Sneakers really was taken to a farm and – guess what?! – he’s back and he wants to play frisbee! Yay!
  • Your parents breaking up when you were 12 was just a bad dream. Mommy really does love daddy. Not Rico down at the Jiffy Lube. And Daddy really likes women, particularly mommy. Not, uh… well, whatever disturbing thing it is you were told he liked on your 13th birthday. Sheep? Was it sheep? Or gophers? Sources couldn’t remember.
  • Your old girlfriend? Totally wants to do it with you and another chick. Totally.

Apple declined to comment, but CARS staff member and long-suffering Marathon gamer Masako Yamamoto has had what medical experts call “an episode.”

32 thoughts on “Bungie To Leave Microsoft.”

  1. Operative phrase: “pipe-dream.”
    And damnit, put that away. She’s not coming back. Really. Get over it. Look, she’s with me now, and you know it was your annoying habit that drover her to me. Look man, your my best friend and all, but we don’t all have lesbian-ninja sex-bots. I have needs, she has needs, and that threesome of yours just wasn’t going to work. Just take your cold piece of ass you got hanging on you back to your room. We all know she can make you feel better. That’s right, go on. Don’t have too much fun now.

    And top ten baby!

  2. Over here, Marathon is a choccie bar.

    I’m going to try putting it in the Video slot.

    Eureka-Hot Chocolate Spray.

  3. All the original Bungie developers have long since left. The only people left at the Bungie Business Unit are people who were hired to be part of Microsoft. There is no separate entity of that name which could possibly split off…. at best it would be a sickly, amoebalike asexual “budding”. Pray to God that doesn’t happen.

  4. In reference to Drew’s comment just a couple up…

    Anybody else ever notice that everything at *shudder* Microsoft is always referred to as a “Business Unit?”

    It’s creepy. Creepy and telling.

    Destination: FAIL. Microsoft can’t possibly continue like they are. The parasite has run out of hosts.

  5. That bastard! He said he would take care of me. He loved me. Damn it. Fine, go back to that women. I HATE you! And Moltz. I was fine until this.

  6. Hmmm. The old girlfriend wants back in, eh? I’m not so sure.

    It’s sort of like the Chooser. Yeah, there was a time – a very long time ago – when it was really cool and we bragged to all our friends about how we could select the, uh, one printer we owned via the Chooser and all. And yes, we used to fantasize about having a second printer on the side that you could select when you were bored or looking for something a little dangerous. We all knew someone who threw it all away to splurge everything they had on a LaserWriter.

    But at the end of the day, we all knew that we were really just meant to have that comfortable and trusty Imagewriter.

    Do we really want the Chooser brought back to Mac OS X? No. Do we really want the old girlfriend back? Not really. We’d have to put an extra chair at the kitchen table … there’s not quite enough room in the bed as it is now … and explaining it all to the kids would be sort of pathetic, I think.

    You almost got me with the steropticon, though…

  7. But we already ate Sneakers !
    Or was that the sheep ?

  8. Actually, I think it would work better if you smeared the Crisco BEFORE you rolled in the feather pillows…

    But that’s just me.

  9. This would be better if it was a sequel to Dark Castle or another follow-up to Crystal Quest (best game sounds ever).

    Which old girlfriend wants to come back? It’s important to know, since it would likely upset the wife. As long as it’s not the bitch who used my toothbrush…

  10. Oh great. Just great. My old girlfriend would give Bigfoot nightmares. The other chick is probably her cousin Agatha. Whew. Agatha looks like a guy, except most guys would be jealous of her moustache. If she’s coming back, I’ll have to notify the police that to ignore reports of a moose wandering through the neighborhood. Thanks Moltz. Damn. I won’t be able to stay in the same room with tuna noodle casserole for months now.

  11. Once upon a time, even in the land of Nxxx, Marathon was THE game on the Mac.

    Pity it’s been reduced to mere choccies, nice as they are.

    My favorite Crystal Quest sound is that sort of barfing noise the pink blobs made when shot. Good times!

  12. even if bungie leave microsoft, they will be back in a month or two. why do you think they are called bungie? after all its that @$$-licker bill gates holding on to the end of the cord. lets just hope it snaps.


  13. Nobody knows what the result may be. But what I’m hoping for is a new game called “Crazy Apple Rumors Goes to Tajikistan.”

    That would be so boss.

  14. I used to be skeptical of rumors. But the part about my ex and another chick must be true.

    Extra be funny this one.

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