In a surprise announcement on today’s quarterly call with analysts, Apple said that it was adding a new product line that would revolutionize yet another industry: slave trading.
“When we were looking into this, we were surprised at how inefficient slave trading is today,” said Apple CEO Steve Jobs. “Scarce supply, erratic prices often driven by the proximity of law enforcement or the balance of one’s cocaine bill with the buyer. The Apple White Slave takes the guesswork out of finding quality slave labor.”
Jobs said that Apple’s White Slaves – all of which are adults between the ages of 18 and 30 – would all be offered at one flat price of $10,000.
This prompted some analysts to deride the lack of choice.
“This is just another example of how it’s always Apple’s way or the highway,” said Rob Enderle of the Rob and Mary Show. “Let’s say you’re looking to acquire several 9-year-olds. Well, Apple’s not interested in your business.
“This is why they’re going to go out of business any day now. I mean, have you heard they’re into slave trading?! And no 9-year olds! What is up with that?!”
Jobs did point out, however, that despite the name, the Apple White Slave is an equal opportunity forced labor solution.
“White is not in reference to the slave’s race,” Jobs noted. “It’s in reference to a wonderful program, just like (Product)Red program that’s currently available in our iPod lineup. See, it’s not the Apple White Slave, it’s the Apple White Slave. See the difference? And for every Apple White Slave you buy, a portion of your purchase goes to Project White.
“Which, ironically, helps fight the white slave trade. But you know…”
Jobs did say, though, that the Apple White Slave is not for sexual purposes – as the term “white slave” is usually used – and that violation of this term of the license agreement could result in “bricking” of the Apple White Slave.
Although he did not explain how exactly that would happen.
It’s thought that this particular stipulation was added to protect future sales of the Apple Sexbot.
The Apple White Slave will go on sale immediately and be offered exclusively through Apple retail stores on a large wooden block to be added in the back.