Hey, kids! Have you heard about the Leopard! Oh, yah, it’s the new thing all the hep cats are into! Come Friday, you don’t want to be that one dorkweed still on Tiger! I mean, Tiger? What’s that?!


Well, it’s the operating system you’re all running now, of course.

Except for Larry who’s still running OS 9.

Get with the program, Larry!

Now, you may have seen some sites that attempt to give you the 411 on Leopard. But don’t let those bitches use your toothbrush, my friend! We’ve boiled down their “supposed” list of “300 features” to 10 essential things to take away about the Leopard!

Now… Let’s Leopard!

If you’re like me, you have many questions. What is Leopard? What does it do? How does it do it? Who’s responsible? What’s that thing on my back? Is it a mole? Should I have that checked? It’s more like a flap of skin, isn’t it? Does that look right to you? Doesn’t it look like the kind of thing you see on the people who live in the Port Authority terminal? Should I get some kind of an ointment? I probably shouldn’t pull it off with a pair of tweezers…

…or should I?!

Let’s find out!

  1. Leopard runs on your compooter! Provided your compooter is one o’ them there Mac jobbies. It makes the computer go and run fast!
  2. Leopard is one of those cool kids who kind of spans all groups. Like sometimes you’ll see it with the stoners out back of the cafeteria by the dumpster, yah, but it’s also got a letter jacket in track so it can hang with the jocks. And it spent the summer in Paris and totally rules the French Club!
  3. You may have heard that Leopard is made up of ones and zeros. Not true. Leopard is made of fancy cheese!
  4. Did you know that Leopard adds integers and fractions?! It’s true!
  5. Leopard manages the sharing of the resources and processes system data and user input, all while lookin’ all gussied up like! Yeah! It’s tarted up prettier than a $50 whore! Have you seen that Time Machine? Oh, man, would I like to hit that!
  6. Apropos of nothing, Leopard makes its own blender mayonnaise!
  7. Leopard comes with a free sticker! How cool is that?!
  8. If you were to time travel and take a Mac with Leopard loaded on it back to 1973 and were to show some people then what computers will be like in the future, you could totally get some hot 1973 chick into bed with you! But make sure it’s not your mom, dude.
  9. Leopard avenges thee upon those who hath wronged thee!
  10. Leopard is a sense of warm fulfillment, like sitting close to a loved one in a far-away cabin watching the snow fall and drinking hot chocolate. Which is good for you, because everyone hates you and you live in an efficiency and are allergic to chocolate.

So do yourself a favor, princess. Get in your busted-ass AMC Pacer and head down to the Apple Store on Friday and pick up a copy of Tiger.

I mean Leopard.


Or maybe you just need some RCA cables.

Fuck if I know.

Who am I? Kreskin?

34 thoughts on “Leopard!”

  1. And Magnanimous Wang IS Magnanimous Wang AS Magnanimous Wang IN Magnanimous Wang: The Awakening, Part II, The Sequel!

  2. Ms Foley is Right! “Leopard looks like … Vista”
    Back in June, Mary Jo Foley of ZDnet fame wrote a stunningly concise article, “Leopard looks like … Vista”. Truer words were never spoken! Many of you peolpe out there do not realize the truth, all software is born at Microsoft, even our competitor’s! You see the Apple hackers constantly scour our site for hints of what we are planing for the future, they send spys, moles, fake pizza-boys,… In their desperation they even steal experimental betas so far from production that even most MS employees don’t realise that we are developing them. They then slap some of their crappy code under these interfaces and claim to have developed it first.
    This is why Leopard and all of the so called versions of OSX over the past 5 years looks like Vista, you see, Vista is the real thing. We just take our time to make sure it is done right before releasing to the public. We care, we take our time, we do stable coding. Don’t be duped by imitations.
    Ms Foley, you have been backing down, trying to explain, apologising, … DON’T! Stand strong, tell the truth, you were absolutely right all the time, “Leopard looks like Vista!”


  3. Is that you, Gruber? Hi! I like your blog for the most part, but often you are a pretentious ass!

  4. “But make sure it’s not your mom, dude.”


    (Once again I apologize for commenting with an actual comment pertaining to said article.)

  5. Hey, I know you’re not Kreskin, ’cause I am totally not allergic to chocolate! Pfffft!!

    All that other stuff you knew about was kinda scary, though.

    By the way, if you’re buying Leopard for the free sticker, you should be aware that you’re supposed to use the sticker to cover something on the hard drive to make sure that Classic never, ever runs again. So it’s not like you can put it on your notebook or anything.

    I don’t think I can live without ResEdit.

  6. I knew after reading about three words of this post that Moltz was typing drunk again… Now, after reading the comments, I have to admit that I’m a little worried about him having his car keys.

    It’s nap time John, and take that Leopard with you.

  7. Maybe this should go to the Help Desk but I can’t wait.
    Tigers operate day and night but mainly in daytime.
    Leopards tend to operate at night and spend the rest of the time lounging around in trees.
    I’ve no objection to lounging but the doctor has forbidden tree climbing.
    Can I still use Leopard without a tree house?

  8. Is this gonna be a real leopard or another stupid CD in a box like Tiger and Panther?

    Am I going to have to sue again? I’ve already bought one of those harness type leashes for Saturday morning’s walk.

    And a little saddle for my monkey.

  9. OMG Moltzy what have you done! I have ALWAYS wanted to own a Citroën DS (or a NSU RO 80 with it’s innovative but unreliable Wankel (sic!) engine) and you go and mention an AMC Pacer and now i totally want one of those! Even more than i want Leopard! Are they 64 bit, BTW? Unleaded, 64 bit? What kind of graphics card do they sport? Huh? Wait till friday for the helpdesk? OK. I’m cool.

  10. After reading your most excellent summary, Moltz, I realize that Leopard is really groovy, totally radical, and gnarly as all get-out!


  11. Hey, I happen to like my OS 9… The nice little welcome sign when I start up, the lame graphics, and I really like my Mac IIsi.

    None of that whiz-bang stuff for me.

    So back off.

  12. Sorry to interrupt this thing with actual information.
    However, absolutely no one here would have any use for it.
    Unless you’re delusional.
    Well, that means Moltz would probably be interested.

    You want a Citroen DS21 Pallas / LHM fluid _with_ a Wankel/Mazda 13B and some assorted parts from ZF.
    Centreville Garage in the UK can do the conversion.
    Allow about $55,000 and one year.

  13. Hey! What happened to the rule allowing identity theft?
    (i can’t find the reference as this site has been entertaining society’s flotsam for far too long.)

  14. Leopard. Aw nutz. I thought Apple was about to sell Leotards. Maybe something in a nice wild-animal motif.

    Time to get my glasses checked.

    And 237th – whoohee!

  15. 30th!!! and I may be a pc user, but not by choice. i must say though, DAMN YOU APPLE!! RELEASING SOMETHING I WANT
    SO BADLY BUT WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO BUY ON WELFARE!!!!! WHY?!?!?!?!?!? WHY CAN’T YOU RELEASE A wMac FFOR US WELFARIANS?!!??!?! not my fault that dshs doesnt give my family more than about $800 a month….

  16. Does this mean I’m have to change all my tiger print boxers to leopard print ones?
    Do I have to wear the leopard print when I order leopard?
    Will tiger get upset if I order leopard online while wearing said leopard print boxers?

    These are things I need to know.

  17. Wait just a damned minute. I already have leotards that run on my computer. Well, actually they run on the little hooks I made out of wire coat hangers that I hang my cables on the front with.
    Anyway, they used to. Then I filed the points off. I still look idiotic in pink tights, but at least my legs are warm.

    Who dealt this shit?

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