Month: October 2007

Apple Delays Leopard.

Shocking news came late this afternoon as – just hours after announcing a release date of October 26th – Apple announced that Leopard would be delayed again. According to the company, some late testing revealed that there were lingering performance issues on older Macs.

When asked which Macs were affected, head of Mac hardware engineering Peter Mehring said “Mostly Performas. For some reason it runs really slow on even a later Performa like a 6400. And that was a really nice machine. Despite what people said.”

Mehring said he thought it might be the Core Animation.

“Or, really, it could be an icon, actually. They’re a lot bigger than they used to be.”

Asked about the system requirements that state a G4 or higher is required, Mehring said “Oh, that? That’s wrong. I mean, why wouldn’t we get it working on as many machines as possible? Like the PowerBook 2400? Now that was a machine.”

Mehing thinks it will only take another 10, 14, 28 months to get one or two of the 300 Leopard technologies running on Performas.

“I’m sure everyone understands. Shouldn’t be long. Well, OK, kind of long. But, we’d hate to leave our Performa-using customers behind.

“Um… again.”

Apple Now Just Screwing With Greenpeace.

After yet another Greenpeace report complaining about Apple’s environmental record, sources indicate that the company is now just screwing with the international non-profit agency.

As Greenpeace chastised Apple for using toxic chemicals in the iPhone, there were indications that that wasn’t all they might find in its products.

“Yeah, I think we stuck a baby seal in the Mac Pro,” said CEO Steve Jobs. “And there may be some rhino in the iMac. Just a little. Near the USB ports.”

Despite being a vegetarian, Jobs seemed exceedingly gleeful at having further antagonized an organization that has been a thorn in his side. Jobs’ glee was shared by other Apple executives.

“Whatever you do, don’t look in the iPod classic!” said senior vice president of worldwide marketing Phil Schiller. “Ha-ha! Whew! ‘Cause… ha-ha! Yeow.

“It’s um, panda. Eeyup. Turns out panda is a really good conductor. Who knew? Also looks pretty. Not like marine turtle, though. That is… mmmmmwah!”

Shaking his head, Schiller said ruefully “Wish we could get some more marine turtle. Damn.”

Apple products also reportedly include mountain gorilla, whale, dolphin and African elephant.

Other than all the executives, Apple declined to comment for this story, other than to say for the record that it was just screwing around and there really weren’t any animal parts in its products.

Other than iLife. Which has spotted owl.

Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
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[IMPORTANT UPDATE: Shum Stra iz in our interwebs recordin’ our Help Desks and has the audio of the first question. Why go to all the trouble of reading it when you can just give it a listen (936k MP3)?]

Q: Hey! Have you heard of the latest dance craze to hit the techno-streets?!

A: Um… no.

Q: Yes! Dance, dance, to the throbbing beat of the DVORAK!

A: The…

Q: The DVORAK!

A: I don’t think…

Q: It goes a little like this!

O o o o — it’s John Dvorrrrrak!
He’s the latest…
O O O O — he’s a crazy ass
He’s the insanest…

Writing through the night with hair lit up bright, he’s Dvorrrrrak.

And then there’s a dance.

A: Oookay. Uh, do you have a question?

Q: I, uh, just wanted to know if you had heard of the Dvorak.

A: I had not.

Q: OK, then.
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Q: Oh, man, don’t let that turkey give you that jive about the Dvorak!

A: Um, OK.

Q: Naw! All the real hep cats are doin’ the Enderle!

A: Of course they are.

Q: It goes like this!

You put your bad opinion in, you take your money shot out,
You put your bad opinion in, and you shake it all about
You do the Apple joke-y and you turn it all around,
That’s what the Enderle’s all about

And, um, the dance is pretty much like the Hokey Pokey. Actually, it’s exactly like that.

A: …

Q: Well?!

A: Seems kind of obvious.

Q: That’s right! Just like Rob Enderle!

A: Hmm. Well, you make a good point there.
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Q: Dvorak? Enderle? I dunno. Personally, I prefer to do the Steve Jobs.

A: Oh. How does that one go?

Q: I sit and still my thoughts until they are as a clear, untouched mountain lake. As I achieve total calm, I let the spirit of the Buddha wash over me. And then I am one.

A: Uh, wow. And what music do you do that to?

Q: Um… well, actually, I do it to LL Cool J’s “Big Ole Butt”.

A: Uh… huh.

Q: But, um, you could do it to anything really. The song doesn’t have to be butt related.

A: Oh. That’s good to know.

Q: Totally.