Apple Tablet To Redefine Another Industry

According to published reports, the Apple tablet will be wildly successful and a miserable failure. By the laws of logic governing this universe, both cannot be true, so what we are left to conclude, is that one of these two assumptions is wrong.

Or are we?

Highly placed Crazy Apple Rumors Site sources now indicate this may not be the case. According to one source, in the same way the Mac redefined the computer industry, the iPod redefined the music industry and the iPhone redefined the cellular phone industry, the Apple tablet will redefine the quantum mechanics industry.

“The Apple tablet creates a quantum singularity that acts as a focal point for multiple universes,” said the source, who declined to come out from the box he was hiding in. “This is how you can have rumors of it being 7 inches and 10 inches, $400 and $800, a hit and a flop. It is all of these things and many more.”

Upon first interacting with the device, whether at a physical Apple Store, through the online puchasing process or even through a reseller, the customer will experience a quantum shift that will cause them to experience the tablet in all universes at once.

“This is very exciting,” said technology analyst Michael Gartenberg. “The quantum mechanics industry is an immature and stagnant market, ripe for shaking up.”

Gartenberg admitted he himself was baffled at the myriad of points of view on a device that, as far as anyone really knows, doesn’t even exist and was relieved to be able to finally put some logic to it.

“Apple may be having power management issues on the device,” Gartenberg suggested “Since its quantum mechanical effects are already influencing people who haven’t even purchased or seen one.

“Either that or it’s just that none of these morons writing about the tablet has any idea what they’re talking about,” he said.

“But I’m so tired of that being the case that I’m really hoping it’s the quantum singularity thingy.”

65 thoughts on “Apple Tablet To Redefine Another Industry”

  1. Wait… second? It’s been three hours since the first comment. Don’t die, CARS. I love you.

  2. Quit it, already! We get used to your being dead to us, and then, like some zombie-kinda’ thing, which is sorta’ like the whole tablet/slate rumor thing that keeps coming back every so often, you come back to life.

    What do you want, braaaaains? What, dammit?!

  3. Quantum Oh mechanics my is cheesy total deity bull I when so elevated absolutely to must everyday have scale one and of Schrödinger’s those cat freaking knows tablets it (faint).

  4. Hey John, the real Ben here.

    Wow! How’d you do that? I submitting my comment after you said hi to me. Must be part of the quantum shift you posted about. I don’t really get it.

    Anyway, Hi.

  5. Huh, so I guess in this universe, John Moltz and John Gruber can be the same person. EXCEPT THEY ALREADY ARE THE SAME PERSON!

  6. The best news is that Schrodinger’s Cat is a highly placed Crazy Apple Rumors Site source. This bodes well for future posts, if Schrodinger’s Cat isn’t dead. Could somebody check? Wait, no! Don’t do it! I changed my mind. Or didn’t.

  7. Um… yeah… Schroedinger called. He want’s his iTablet back.
    And what’s this box doing over here?

  8. Tablets? Have to swallow four every morning, what do I want with more.
    Mind you, apple flavoured would be nice.

  9. In the spirit of Victorian scientific endeavour I have experimented on myself to push back the boundaries of a Quantum Theory of Personality and, as a consequence, am frequently both a cock and an arse *at the same time*.


  10. Brother, does that mean that you can actually f— yourself? Because unless the iTablet ships with a SexBot attachment, that skill might be useful.

  11. Hey! What’s with the pictures? All I have is this stupid white blob on a grey background. How come I don’t have a picture? Is this some kind of favoritism? Did you guys have to pony up some hard cash to CARS for the privilege?

    Oh, I get it! You guys are the supposed “Highly placed Crazy Apple Rumors Site sources.” Yeah, great. Nothing like greasing the palms of those in power, huh? A little “rub my back I’ll rub yours” in the back rooms, right?

    That’s just sick. You aught to be ashamed of yourselves.

  12. Naturally, Steve. Indeed, it was the helpful suggestion from so many people that I nip off and do precisely that which inspired my investigations: clearly there’s demand in the market for the Cockarse Bozo and I’m hoping that the Large Hadron Collider will be able to produce them for mass consumption in the near future.

    I’m going to suggest X-Factor wannabees as the parent matter for the reaction.

    And don’t ask me what’s going on with the pictures, James. I actually look like that . . . so I thought initially I’d somehow managed to clone myself without knowing it (not for the first time . . . I’m sooo *crazy*!).

  13. “This is how you can have rumors of it being 7 inches and 10 inches, $400 and $800, a hit and a flop. It is all of these things and many more.”

    Sounds like my sex life.

  14. One might be able to precisely determine either the dimensions or the price, but it is theoretically impossible to exactly measure both properties at the same time.

  15. There are two distinct models that can appear on a single shellf, and each must have an opposite [marketing] “spin” characteristic.

  16. All this can be easily understood once we realize that the information vacuum is actually a sea of speculative energy.

  17. Brother, how do you expense using the Collider for personal purposes?
    If you can figure that part out, I think Del might have some interesting ideas.

  18. Look mate, the Swiss have had five hundred years of peace, so threaten them with a bit of aggro and you can do what you want.

  19. Threaten the Swiss with the loss of banking secrecy and they’ll jump through the hoop of your choice.

    When we wager over Schrodinger’s cat, I always try to take advantage by stipulating: “Alive I win, Dead you lose.”

    But we never look.

  20. Oh, they don’t know I’m using the LHC, Steve. I just sneak in at night and muck around. I busted it a couple of times, but I don’t think anyone noticed.

    I do hope Apple ordering a gazillion of these tablet thingies isn’t overly optimistic. Doubtless we all remember the hubris that preceded nemesis for Acorn and I’m sure Our Lord Steve can do without any similar Electron Degeneracy Pressure of his own at this already hectic time of year.

    But why worry? Provided he doesn’t arrange something exclusive, I’m sure the sales will positively dwarf expectations.

    I’m sorry, but could someone hand me a new bag of puns and a creaky crowbar please?

  21. I have a new crowbar. It’s shiny!

    Does His Steveness’ Reality Distortion Field have any adverse effects when it’s brought near the HLC?

  22. *yawn*?!?
    There’s no yawning in… um what is it we’re in? Anyway… no yawning!

    @Brother & @Steve… Perhaps the RDF is affecting the LHC in some way, and that’s why the startup… issues?

  23. *stumbles out from the ancient cave system*
    *has no idea where he is – or why – or how he got here – or the meaning of life – or where that foul odor is coming from*
    *only knows the caves are dark, wet and lonely*
    *is thrilled to be back out*

    Did I miss anything?

  24. *sets iFlame to ZOMBIE: TOAST*

    Oh, hi! No, you didn’t miss anything… Um… Yeah…
    So, how’s it going? Um… Ok… Gonna head over there now.

  25. Now, can’t we just get along? Aren’t zombies people too?

    Uh, could you please hand me one of those iFlames?

  26. Toasting Zombies is wrong.

    They should be marinated in distilled yak’s milk and stale curried possums for three years, wrapped in kelp in the freezer for a further three years and then discarded.

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