Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
Today: Spaces!
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Q: AAAAGH! AAAAAGH! My… my windows! They’re gone! My windows are gone!
A: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Relax. Are you using Leopard?
Q: Yes!
A: OK. It’s just Spaces. Every once in a while it goes goofy and doesn’t show you the windows. It’s very easy to fix.
Q: Oh. OK. What do I need to do?
A: Well, you need to appease Spaces.
Q: Uh… what?
A: Well, you’ve clearly angered it. So you must make an offering.
Q: An offering?
A: Yes.
Q: What kind of offering?
A: An offering… of human blood.
Q: Uh… what? Isn’t there just a key combination?
A: No! Spaces is an angry god! It will only accept human blood!
Q: That doesn’t seem right. I mean, Dashboard I could see, but Spaces?
A: I assure you, it is. Now, you’ll need a lot of blood, so I suggest opening up a major vein. Get yourself a sharp knife and…
Q: Oh! Wait! They’re back! I just hit C while holding the F8 key down!
A: Really? Well, I like my way better. That’s the way a man gets his windows back.
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Q: Hey, I’m trying to use Spaces, too, and something is really borked up.
A: How borked? Robert Bork borked up or just Swedish Chef sort of borked?
Q: Um, well I guess just kind of Swedish Chef level borked.
A: OK. Then is it angry chickens kind of Swedish Chef sort of borked or just singing vegetables type of “code Swedish Chef” borked.
Q: Uh, I’d say angry chickens kind of Swedish Chef borked and with the chef’s hat on fire.
A: I see. That’s just one step below Robert Bork level borkitude.
Q: If you say so.
A: Hmm. If I had to ask you if it was Jim Nabors guest hosting or Elke Sommer guest hosting kind of angry chickens Swedish chef with the hat on fire level borked…
Q: I have no idea what the hell we’re even talking about any more but I’m going to say Elke Sommer for obvious reasons.
A: She was hot.
Q: Totally.
A: Well… thanks for calling!
Q: OK, bye.
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Q: Hey, we didn’t even get to my question!
A: Oh. Right. It was about the Dock, right?
Q: No! It was about Spaces!
A: OK. OK. Look, when something like this happens, it’s important to stay calm. People have a tendency to panic when something goes wrong and when you panic you can make a bad situation worse. Understand?
Q: Yeah. Sure. OK.
A: So, think. Think. Why would Spaces be mad at you?
Q: I don’t know! I mean, we had argued a little, but I never thought it was that serious.
A: What did you argue over?
Q: Money, mostly.
A: Mmm-hmm.
Q: Spaces felt it wasn’t getting a big enough cut of the web development work I was doing on my Mac. It was always saying shit like “You’d never be able to get this work done if I didn’t keep your windows organized for you!” And that would make me mad, of course, and I’d be like “Bitch, you don’t do nothin’ around here except stuff windows in your fat ass! Don’t make me crawl into that screen and smack a bitch!”
A: That’s not how loving couples talk to each other.
Q: I know. I know. I just…
A: Let’s focus on your feelings. How did Spaces’ words make you feel?
Q: Stressed, I guess. Money, money, money. Spaces always wanted more money. And, as the provider…
A: Did you feel trapped?
Q: Yes. Yes! Trapped.
A: Mmm. Well, I’m afraid that’s all the time we have today.
Q: Oh. I but I feel like we’re close to something.
A: We’ll pick it up here next week.
Q: Oh, who are you kidding? You don’t even do the Help Desk half the time.
A: This is not about me, Ronald.
Q: Pff.
It’s well known that Jobs’ appearance is often substituted with a ball of seventeen black cats taped together and stuffed into one of his mock turtlenecks for the less important shows. Indeed, a cottage industry has grown up in the Mac community that attempts to analyze footage of these appearances and identify which ones were Jobs and which were a ball of seventeen black cats taped together and stuffed into one of his mock turtlenecks.