Category: Event Coverage

8:56 AM – We’re in! Music playing. What is that? Hole? Who cares? People taking pictures. Tension building.

I’m actually sitting next to Gruber. And the universe has not exploded. Weird. Sometimes physics surprises you.

I was apparently the last person to pull out their iPhone and try to get on so I have no EDGE connection. Everyone around me surfing and I just have a little blue box with no E in it. I am the saddest Macworld attendee.

OK, not really. The dude on the other side of me is using a Dell. He’s the saddest Macworld attendee.

9:10 AM – No Jobs. I’m starting to wonder if they were able to make it through the robot blockade.

9:12 AM – Large explosions. Feist song playing. Robot parts flying everywhere! This is it! The lights dim! The Cyber Apocalyse ends now!

With an “I’m a Mac” ad.

Ah. So not with a bang but with a whimper. Well, except for all the banging.

But they did it! Apple won the Cyber Apocalypse! The robot forces have been defeated!

9:14 AM – Jobs takes the stage! He’s got a robot head in his hands! It’s Kent’s head! He rips out the Central Plexor and throws it to the ground! He stomps on it! The crowd goes wild! Outside we can hear a whirring sound as thousands of robots power down!

STEVE JOBS AND APPLE ARE TRIUMPHANT!

YAY!

…

OK, now Steve will tell us about 2007’s results.

He says he has 4 things to talk about today.

5 million copies of Leopard. Fabulous response. “Larry, for example,” Jobs says, “bought a Family Pack. Thanks, Larry.”

Huh? Who the hell is Larry?

All big apps native on Intel with Office release. Microsoft is this year’s Adobe.

9:18 AM – Companion product for Time Machine – Time Capsule. But is it a tiny Time Capsule? Mmm, sort of medium-sized. Server grade hard drive. Full Airport BS. You can back up all your Macs to it. If you’re into that kind of thing. Hot backup action.

Jobs says it’ll have a 500 MB drive? What? That doesn’t seem very good.

9:21 AM – iPhone! Sold 4 million iPhones to date. In the first quarter of shipment, iPhone market share was second at 19.5%. BUT, market share is like 99% among the highly coveted poser demographic.

SDK coming, but new features available today. Maps with location. Web clips, customizable home screens. SMS multiple people at once, chapters, subtitles, languages in video. Lyrics for songs. Can now get hot enough to make toast. Comes with a fruit cup. Makes its own gravy.

Steve demos. Steve says “zschoom.” We have a new sound effect! Repeat, we have a new sound effect! “Boom” is out, “zschoom” is in! Please update your Jobs references accordingly!

Steve’s SMSing Schiller, Scott Forstall, Tony Faddell and some other dude. This presentation needs more Schiller.

Steve demoes the ability to add a web clip as a link to iPhone home screen. I think his choice of using a site called “Lusty Plumpers” is a little questionable.

Oh, crap, you can move icons around on the home screen. That means my son is totally going to screw up my phone.

9:34 AM – The iPhone’s Google maps now show you where you are by triangulating your position using WiFi hot spots and cell towers. Also, Apple has someone following you. Sure. Didn’t you know that? Apple’s had someone following you for years. I know you’re shocked, but secretly, inside, it explains a lot, doesn’t it? How they know so much about you… your hopes… your fears…

You know it to be true. Search your feelings.

iPod touch owners pay $20 for these features as a software upgrade.

Start bitching…. NOW!

9:36 AM – iTunes. Sold 4 billionth song last week. 7 million movies. 1 copy of “Yahoo Serious”.

Really? Wow. There’s a call back.

Hmm.

Movies.

A better way to deliver movie content: iTunes movie rentals. They have an astounding FIFTEEN MOVIES AVAILABLE!

Steve says “Blades of Glory” was a particular favorite of his. Funny. I would have thought he’d be more of a “Superbad” kind of guy.

Oh, no wait. Lots of movies. 11 studios total – every major studio.

1000 films by February. Can watch them anywhere. Macs, iPhone, PC, iPod. In your pants.

Technology! Whisky! Sexy!

30 days to start, 24 hours to watch. 48 hours to watch any movie with Ben Afleck. Because he’s that bad. $2.99 for older releases, $3.99 for new release.

Apple TV? He didn’t say Apple TV. I’m going to ask. I’m raising my hand.

Steve?! Oh, STEVE?! Sheesh. He can hear me. I know he can. Why won’t he answer? He’s ignoring me. That is so like Jobs.

OK, he’s getting to it. It’s OK. It’s OK, everyone. He’s getting to my question.

Apple TV Take 2. No computer required. Rent movies directly. DVD quality or HD. Applause.

NERDS!

Download podcasts directly. Photos from Flickr and .Mac. $1.00 more in HD. For $1,000,000.00 more, the actors come to your house and act it out. That’s very reasonable.

Steve loves the old Star Trek movies?

NERD!

I mean, I love the old Star Trek movies. That’s fine for me to love them. But I don’t want Steve to love them. Steve should be better than that. Higher. And immutable force.

Not some pimply faced Trekkie. Trekker. Whatever.

NERD!

Steve waits until Will Farrell does his crotch grab before cutting away from Blades of Glory. Oh, Steve. You don’t need to be such a prude with us. Our hard drive are full of porn! Ha-ha!

Steve’s searching for Linkin Park. Right. First Star Trek and now Linkin Park? Can these demoes have at least some basis in reality?

Steve demoes looking at pictures on .Mac. You can see your own pictures or other peoples’ pictures. And if you click “Rent” you can rent the family!

Beautiful movie of a family scuba diving vacation on a coral reef. Where’s the movie of the drunken, bitter recriminations at Christmas dinner?

Oops. First glitch. He’s able to blame it on Flickr, though, so it’s cool. A stagehand breaths a sigh of relief as he will live another day.

Free software upgrade. THANK YOU, STEVE! I was so sure he just made my Apple TV a useless piece of crap. Not that that’s what it was. Price drop to $229. Shipping in two weeks.

First studio to sign up was 20th Century Fox. And here comes the chairman! Jim Gianopulos. Will he be this year’s Stan Sigman?

Nah. He’s a Hollywood player. He can talk, baby. Oh, yes, he can talk.

He’s no Stan Sigman. Sir, I listened to Stan Sigman. For three long hours. You sir, are no Stan Sigman.

I kid Stan, but in his defense I’m sure he’s a terrific golfer. Definitely a handicap under 10. Gotta be.

10:07 AM – THING NUMBER 4!!!!

“There’s something in the air”.

Yeah. What the hell is that? That thing in the air? Phew.

Oh, laptops. The MacBook Air. The world’s thinnest notebook. Other so-called “thin” laptops you may have heard of weigh 3 lbs, are up to 1.2 inches thick but have 11 or 12 inch screens and are only 1.2 Ghz. The MacBook Air is .76 inches at its thickest. The thickest part is thinner than the thinnest Sony. Thinny thin thin. Es muy thin. Sehr thin. Steve takes it out of an internal company routing folder. On the outside it says “TO: STEVE. FROM: DOES THIS APPEASE YOU? PLEASE DON’T FIRE US.”

13.3 inch display. iSight camera. Full size keyboard. Backlit. Each key is a delicious Chicklet. Mutlitouch gesture support. Demoing those gestures, oddly all with pictures of fabulous babes. OK, not oddly.

“How did we fit a Mac in here?” We didn’t! We left the Mac out! It’s just a mockup! 80 GB standard – 64 GB SSD. Intel Core 2 Duo 1.6 GHz standard up to 1.8 Ghz. A 60% smaller chip. So those of you who like big party-sized chips, you’re out of luck. No dip, either. Dip is a USB optional add-on. Comes in Zesty Salsa and Cool Ranch.

Paul Otellini comes up and gives Steve a chip. Mmmm. “This is awesome technology. And delicious!” USB 2, Micro DVI, headphone jack. No optical drive. Powered optional optical drive for $99.

Scott McNulty behind me is now oohing and ahhing for great effect. What a card.

Battery life – 5 hours. Probably because it’s a piece of cardboard with a printout of a Leopard screen taped to it. That’s probably why the battery life is so good.

$1799. Shipping in two weeks.

Steve’s starting to lose his voice a little. Someone get him a lozenge. STAT!

“We have an ad. Would you like to see it?”

Uh, I dunno. What about you, Gruber? McNulty? David Morgenstern? Do you want to see it? Glenn Fleishman?

Nah. We don’t need to see it Steve. That’s cool. We’re good.

Addressing the environmental concerns, Steve notes that the entire MacBook Air is edible.

That’s thing number 4.

“NOW GET OUT!”

Musical performer this year: Randy Newman.

Randy performs a politically incendiary piece which the crowd seems uncomfortably approving of. Last year John Meyer did “Waiting On The World To Change” and now this. Pretty soon Steve is just going to have people come up and harangue the crowd for 20 minutes.

“I’ll always root against corporations because that’s just the way I am. But not this one.”

9 out of 10 communists agree: Apple rocks!

While others claim to have the keynote outline, CARS has received a bona fide copy including comments in the border written by Steve Jobs himself.

Check it out.

Oh, and…

MUST CREDIT CARS!

9:15 AM – While eating a large waffle breakfast at the local Denny’s with Phil Schiller, suddenly look at watch. Say “Holy shit, Phil! We’re late for the keynote!” Race out of the Denny’s as – seemingly from nowhere – banjo music starts to play. [JOBS COMMENT: I don’t get this. Why would I do this? This doesn’t make any sense. It’s stupid. It’s absurd. You know Phil and I only eat at the Waffle House. Fix this.]

9:25 AM – Take the stage to thunderous applause. Pause for a moment and then wipe strawberry jam and whipped cream from the waffles off your face.

9:30 AM – Review the successes from the last year. After doing the same financial and market share and number of iTunes songs sold crap, say “And any of you remember… this?!” and pull out an iPhone. Strike a number of dramatic poses with the iPhone. Point index finger at random members of the crowd and cock your thumb at them like you’re shooting them dead with how unbelievably cool the iPhone is. Several smiling and scantily clad women will join you on stage as confetti and balloons with “iPhone!” written on them fall from the ceiling. Just when it seems to be over, start it all again for another 15 minutes. [JOBS COMMENT: Nice. Can I do a quick costume change before this into something more appropriate than turtleneck and jeans? Like, maybe a shiny green suit?]

10:00 AM – Introduce USB Silly Putty. Demonstrate how, like copying a comic strip with regular Silly Putty, you can just jam it into the USB port of a hard drive and copy the contents.

10:30 AM – Announce exclusive distribution deal with Jay-Z. Go on and on about how great Jay-Z is. Jay-Z, Jay-Z, Jay-Z. Bring Jay-Z up on stage. Isn’t he awesome? Thanks, Jay-Z. You’re great. [JOBS COMMENT: Yeah, OK, someone’s going to have to point out who the hell Jay-Z is to me. Unless he’s going to be wearing a sweat shirt or a sign or something that says “I’m Jay-Z”. I have no idea who he is. This whole thing was Joz’s idea.]

11:00 AM – Introduce new iPhone. New Tablet. New ultra-light laptop with docking station. Introduce people in the first row to the people in the second row. Introduce oranges to the Visigoths. Introduce Rob Enderle to the business end of your Nikes. Introduce pudding as a new Tuesday afternoon Snack Break at Caffe Macs. Finish by introducing a new dance called “the Stevetusi”.

11:30 AM – Ah, fuck, it’s John Mayer again. [JOBS COMMENT: Shit. I’m so sick of that jackass.]

See? That’s a keynote outline.

This is just coming off the wire and has forced us to shelve a detailed exposé on Chris Breen’s hair, but the staff Crazy Apple Rumors Site wanted to get it out as soon as possible so everyone would know that…

MACWORLD HAS BEEN CANCELED.

That’s right. Canceled. We know it’s disappointing but…

There it is.

Let’s all try to be grownups about it.

The reason, according to Apple, is that the announcement of the new Mac Pro and the new Xserve was a mistake.

“Yeah, Larry did that,” said an apologetic chief operating officer Tim Cook. “I told him about fifty times that it was next Tuesday but Larry is, well, Larry. Juice Box Larry we call him.

“Anyway, the Mac Pro and the Xserve are all we had, so… no Macworld. Sorry!”

But Apple is not, apparently, the only reason Macworld has been canceled. A quick check of recent press releases reveals the following:

• San Francisco hookers announced they were raising their hourly rates for the whole week because “the damn Mac geeks just want to talk and won’t get down to brass tacks”.
• The highly popular “Shower with Adam Engst at the Mosser” event has been canceled as Adam has come down with a bad case of athlete’s foot. Our best wishes to Adam for a speedy recovery.
• Someone saw Rob Enderle in the vicinity of the Moscone Center.

Cook said that Steve Jobs would make it up to us by taking us all out for ice cream later in the year.

Reports indicate that Apple will hold a media event tomorrow at the Regent Street Apple Store in London. While such events are usually met with a flurry of speculation about what fabulous new products the company will announce, this one has many concerned.

Several sources Crazy Apple Rumors Site spoke with detailed how this particular event could go uncharacteristically wrong. For example, one source indicated that CEO Steve Jobs will conduct the entire announcement in a really lame cockney accent.

“I tried to talk him out of it,” said senior vice president of worldwide marketing Phil Schiller. “But he just kept saying ‘What’s all this, then, guvanah!’ I’m like, Steve, don’t you think they might find that insulting? And he’s like, ‘Can ye spare a quid for a tuppence for two pence?’ That doesn’t even make any sense!

“I swear, if he didn’t sign my paychecks…”

But Jobs’ lame accent isn’t the only concerning rumor about tomorrow’s event.

“I take no responsibility for this,” said Jonathan Ive. “And I really shouldn’t even be talking to you about it… but I’ll just give you one word: Yoko.

“And I’ve also heard there might be a little Ringo. And I mean ‘a little Ringo’. Somewhere Steve found a Ringo midget. I don’t know how he did it. Or, more importantly, why he did it but, well, that’s what I heard.”

As bad as that sounds, there are even more disturbing rumors.

General Counsel Donald Rosenberg said “My concern is that Steve’s going to announce that we’re releasing our own brand of spotted dick. And then he’ll sit down and do a demo by eating a big plate of spotted dick.

“I have no proof that that’s going to happen, but it’s kept me up the past few nights. I mean, I understand it’s delicious, but the name just makes me feel icky. I mean, what sort of horrible shit has to happen to someone’s junk for it get spotted? Yeesh.”

Apparently for unexplained reasons, tomorrow’s event will take place anywhere between five and eight hours before it would if it were held someplace normal.

9:55 AM: Goooood morning, suckahs! Taking a break from the Entity hunt (which is turning out to be much like a snipe hunt) to bring you live coverage of the Apple event.

The things I do for you.

10:02 AM: Steve takes the stage! “Today we’re going to talk about music…”

No.

Way.

Yes, way!

10:04 AM: Just noticed that Apple Insider says Paul McCartney will be on BBC 1 to give a special announcement after the show.

On BBC 2 there’s cricket – Papua New Guinea vs. Bangladesh – and on BBC 3 it’s a classic episode of Fawlty Towers.

Ringo, meanwhile, is having a routine prostate exam.

10:10 AM: New version of iTunes tonight with ringtones.

Am I the only person the planet who doesn’t give a crap about ringtones? I mean, really, if the baby Jesus had wanted me to listen to Smoke On The Water when my wife calls he would have put it on my iPhone when it shipped!

10:13 AM: OK, you build your ringtones yourself from the songs you’ve downloaded and then it’s an extra 99 cents to put it on you iPhone as a ringtone.

And that’s it! Steve’s leaving the stage! Have a great day everyone! Enjoy your ringtones!

Oh, wait, no, he’s not done.

Sorry.

My bad.

10:17 AM: Ooh, refreshing every iPod! Each and every unit will have a lemony fresh scent! The shuffle will be an actual breath mint!

10:20 AM: Fat nano! Fat nano confirmed! We have fat nano! Repeat: we have fat nano!

Oh, wait. I’m sorry. Steve says it “has a glandular problem.” I’m sorry.

Weight-challenged nano confirmed.

10:25 AM: Well, now he’s sending mixed messages because it will come in several different types: pork fat nano, chicken fat nano, beef fat nano…

And for some reason they’re all really greasy and will slide right out of your hand.

Who wants that? Am I missing something?

10:30 AM: 4 GB for $149 and 8 GB for $199. Available May 2009.

What?

10:32 AM: Just realized he’s wearing a maroon turtleneck.

Hmm. Maroon. Maroon. Red. Apple red. Apple in Japanese is “ringo”.

OH, MY GOD, BEATLES MUSIC IS COMING TO ITUNES!

Or something. I don’t know.

10:35 AM: IPOD TOUCH! IPOD TOUCH! IDPID TODOSDCH!1!!!

DKJDI IDFLDi DOIlkd klDfoid !!!!!

AAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHH!

OMFG! OMFG!

Eh, I’m just kidding. I mean, we all knew it was coming to this, right?

10:40 AM: Looks like an iPhone, but without AT&T! “Fuck you, AT&T! Ah-ha-ha-ha!”

Not sure why he’s doing that. He’s now suggesting people just get an iPod touch and a cheap cell phone with the provider of their choice.

“Fucking Stan Sigman. Pff. Don’t get me started on that jackhole.”

Wow. Weird. Why so much anger? I mean, I know why we hate AT&T, but why would Steve?

10:45 AM: The iPod touch has Wifi, Safari and YouTube.

Hmm.

That’s nice and all, but you know what would make it really boss?

If they added a phone…

That’d be cool.

They should totally look into that.

10:50 AM: One more thing!

10:53 AM: Oh, my god, it’s the ghost of John Lennon!

Oh, no, wait…

It’s wireless downloading of songs!

10:55 AM: OK, that better get added to the iPhone or, god as my witness, I will pants Steve Jobs!

11:00 AM: Yeah, damn skippy you’ll bring it to the iPhone, Jobs!

Now, dance, monkey! Dance to the Beatles, now available on iTunes!

OK, he hasn’t gotten there yet. But has Apple Insider ever been wrong?!

I mean other than all those times they’ve been wrong.

11:05 AM: And free coffee for everyone!

Actually, I’ve been unconscious on the floor for the last five minutes so I may have missed something. I just saw Howard Shultz up there and assumed everyone would be getting free coffee.

Oh, maybe it’s streaming coffee? I don’t know.

11:15 AM: iPhone announcement?

What’s next? Tablet device? Slim notebook?

Sex.

Bots?

Hey, save a little for Macworld, Steve!

11:17 AM: 8 GB iPhone now $399.

Is the 4 GB discontinued? Is my 4 GB now a collector’s item?! Awesome!

Well…

Er…

Sort of.

11:22 AM: Steve interrupts KT Tunstall’s performance to say “And, by popular demand… iPod shuffle socklets!”

Say it with me!

Technology! Whiskey! Sexy!

11:25 AM: That’s it. No Beatles.

You know, Steve is just punking us now. Just because he can.

Guess Sir Paul’s going on BBC 1 to announce that Ringo’s prostate is A-O-K.