iMacs May Be Delayed.

Apple fans hoping that next months Worldwide Developers Conference would bring new iMacs will be disappointed to learn that their fate is still unknown.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that new iMacs may delayed because Apple is totally messing with this one guy from Bloomington.

According to sources, new iMacs will not be released until exactly two weeks and one day after 36-year-old Matt Wilson of Bloomington, Minn., buys a current model, whenever that should be.

CEO Steve Jobs, senior vice president of worldwide marketing Phil Schiller and chief operating officer Tim Cook were beside themselves with laughter recounting their treatment of Wilson.

According to Jobs, Apple has been tormenting Wilson since he emailed in April of 2001 to inquire when new iBooks would be shipping.

“I mean, like I’m going to tell this guy!” Jobs said. “I’m Steve Jobs! As if!

“Then he buys a Titanium PowerBook exactly two weeks and one day before we release the new iBook and he’s totally irate!

“So we totally just had to mess with him after that. And we’ve been doing it ever since. USB 2.0 iMac in 2003. Click wheel iPod in 2004. iBook G4 in 2005. What a maroon.”

“And now… now…” Jobs said, barely able to control his amusement. “Now I’ve got my monkeys from the Mall of America store on constant alert, following this guy, and he keeps coming in and asking… [snort]…”

“Stop it!” howled Cook, who was lying on the floor, pounding it with his fist and heaving with laughter.

“Don’t say it again!” Schiller begged, clutching his stomach. “I think my spleen is going to pop!”

“He keeps asking ‘When are the new iMacs coming?’!” Jobs blurted, causing another round of unbridled amusement.

Unfortunately for others waiting for new iMacs, Wilson has had enough.

“I’m totally not budging on this,” said an oblivious but determined Wilson. “No way, man. I mean, I don’t know what force has been working against me lo these past five years… Fate? Maybe it’s fate. Maybe it’s Satan. Or some lesser demon… I don’t know… but I’m going to beat it this time.

“Unless I have to rip some DVDs or something. Because 1 Ghz just isn’t cutting it.”

Apple To Introduce New Security Device.

Sources at Apple indicate the company is preparing a new product that will seek to resolve growing concerns about Mac security.

Some have issued calls for Apple to beef up system security as a result of last year’s wireless controversy and the Month of Apple Bugs earlier this year.

“We looked at the security surrounding our Mac products, said senior vice president of worldwide marketing Phil Schiller, “and we identified the single biggest threat. And it’s not QuickTime bugs, it’s not Java bugs, it’s not 0 ring insertion. Because there just aren’t any exploits in the wild for those.

“No, it’s being hit over the head and having someone grab your Mac and run off. Unlike these other theoretical threats, this one actually happens to Mac users on an almost daily basis because our products are so boss.”

To combat this, Apple will introduce the iHelmet at its Worldwide Developers Conference next month.

Made of an advanced zirconium alloy, the iHelmet features built-in iPod earbuds and a Bluetooth transmitter that automatically locks your Mac’s keychain when either the iHelmet moves out of broadcast range or blunt force trauma is detected. A preference pane lets you adjust the sensitivity, in the event you’re a “hard rocker”.

“We believe this should resolve any security concerns anyone has about the Mac,” Schiller said.

“Well… OK… George Ou…

“But, what are you gonna do?”

Apple Totally Forgotten About Macs.

Confirming the fears of many after the company dropped the word “Computer” from its name, sources inside Apple indicate that the company has completely forgotten it makes Macs.

Taking a look at Mactactic shows that almost all of Apple’s Mac lineup has now hit the red line – meaning they’re overdue for an update. An update that insiders say is not coming any time soon unless the collective amnesia that has hit Cupertino wears off.

“‘Macs’?” asked Peter Mehring, head of Mac hardware engineering. “Hmm. Doesn’t ring a bell. But I haven’t been here all that long, so… maybe it was something Apple made before? I don’t know. I’m just thinking out loud here.”

Asked what it is, exactly, he does at Apple if its not working on Mac hardware, Mehring fell into a spell of mumbling that included the words “synergy”, “competency center” and “donut run”.

But Mehring wasn’t the only one who seemed not to have heard of these so-called “Macs”.

“‘Macs’?” asked senior vice president of the iPod division Tony Fadell. “Hmm… no.

“iPods. iPhones. QuickTime. I think that’s it. Unless I’m missing something. But I don’t think so.

“I’m very thorough.”

Some elements of the Mac community have formulated a plan to combat this amnesia, however.

“We just sneak up behind Apple and – BAM! – hit it in the back of the head with a sock full of nickels,” said Your Mac Life’s Shawn King.

“Works every time.”

King said this was planned for Thursday and all members of the Mac community who could manage to be in Cupertino at 9:00 AM were invited to participate.

Macs Are, Indeed, Gay.

Science has given us evidence of gay humans, gay apes, and even gay penguins. But the accusations of Microsoft fan boys that “Macs are gay” have always been considered to be nothing more than childish hyperbole.

Until now.

In what promises to be a shocking issue of the journal Nature for the Macintosh-using community (at least the part that’s not gay), zoologist Derek Park of the San Diego zoo will be the first to provide documented evidence of hot Mac on Mac action.

“I had never actually considered the possibility,” Park said “until I was able to observe some Macs in the wild.”

Park was in the Fashion Valley Apple Store and happened to catch a glimpse into the stock room when an associate left the door open.

“There they were all stacked up on top of each other like some bacchanalian Roman orgy of computer gayness. I was shocked at first. But then I thought, I’m a scientist. I should observe this behavior.

“Plus, I mean, I don’t swing that way, but it was so hot.”

Park’s research covers this observed behavior – which he calls “in-store mounting” – as well as several others such as the inherent gayness of Firewire target disk mode.

“I mean, come on. Anyone who’s seen lesbian porn knows what that’s all about.

“You know what I’m talkin’ about, am I right, fellas?


Apple declined to comment, but the Village People could be heard playing in the background.

[Photo credit Michael Hanscom.]

New Apple EULA Contains New Restrictions.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned from highly reliable sources that Apple is preparing a new end-user license agreement (EULA) for its hardware products.

Annoyed that the company’s products are frequently featured in advertising, stock photos or entertainment with the signature Apple logo removed by digital editing or other means, Apple will now demand that all photographs and video of its products clearly display the Apple logo.

This agreement will be implemented as seal on the lip of the plastic bag normally covering Apple hardware. Breaking the seal will constitute agreeing to the EULA.

A visibly drunk senior vice president of worldwide marketing Phil Schiller slurred “You know, we put that shtupid logo on there for a reason. I don’t need Veronica fricking Mars putting a god damn flower vashe in front of it every time her MacBook Pro’s in a shot.

“Fricking pisses me off.”

Schiller took another slug of his Jager-bomb and yelled “I’m trying to shell shome computers here!”

Copyright activists preemptively denounced the move as a draconian measure that would prove unenforceable.

“If I want to put my genitalia over the Apple logo on my MacBook, have a picture taken of it from between my legs and then post it to a chat room,” said Cory Doctorow, “that’s my right as an Apple customer! It’s my machine and I con violate it however I like! I mean, I put Ubuntu on the damn thing! Humping the Apple logo is nothing.”

Other than Schiller, Apple declined to comment for this story. And we had to drive him home.