Apple Announces Online Muzak Business.

In a disappointing turn of events, Apple today announced an online muzak business.

After months of speculation about Apple announcing an exciting new online music business that would allow users to download and listen to popular music through iTunes or their iPods, Apple did announce such a service, but for elevator and shopping mall muzak.

“We looked at the business of online music delivery,” Apple CEO Steve Jobs said, “and we found that everyone was hung up on the licensing rights to popular songs. So, we thought ‘What if the songs we sold were not popular at all?’!”

Working with several of the major muzak recording companies, Apple will provide streaming and downloadable muzak content over the Internet.

Jobs effused enthusiasm about the new service.

“Never before has a company collected so many mellow tunes that will stick with you for days on end. You’ll have to pry them out of your head with a screwdriver!

“Now we can truly say ‘Apple rocks!’ Or, to be more accurate, ‘Apple mellow rocks.'”

Jobs proceeded to download and play several selections to the groaning crowd, including Elevator II, Adagio for Strip Malls, and Retirement Home Classic Rock Medley.

“This is like my worst nightmare,” said a wide-eyed David Pogue of the New York Times. “At one point during this announcement I asked myself ‘Is there a god that could let this happen?’ I was forced to reply… ‘No.’

“On the plus side, it’s quite possible I’m still asleep and I’m having a nightmare. Or, possibly, I’ve gone insane. So, there are still a couple of other preferable ways to explain this.”

Nonplussed by the horrified reaction of the gathered media, Jobs proceeded to play Please Hold – Your Call Is Important To Us.

“Isn’t this great?!” Jobs asked, snapping his fingers to the muzak.