04 Mar 04Inside Apple


Let’s take another fascinating journey… Inside Apple.

Today’s scintillating edition comes from certain “electronic” devices that CARS “operatives” have “planted” around the Apple “campus”.

I think this one is cleverly disguised as a sticky popsicle stick which is brilliant because no one wants to pick up a sticky popsicle stick… Inside Apple.

Or… uh… anywhere else for that matter.


SENIOR VICE PRESIDENT OF FINANCE PETER OPPENHEIMER: What the… oh, that’s great that’s just great.

CHIEF FINANCIAL OFFICER FRED ANDERSON: What’s that, Peter?

OPPENHEIMER: Well, there’s a sticky popsickle stick on my chair.

ANDERSON: You know, I told you you shouldn’t eat those things in your office. You get the monthly financials all sticky.

OPPENHEIMER: This is not mine! I only eat grape and this is clearly orange.

ANDERSON: Peter…

OPPENHEIMER: No, I’m serious!

ANDERSON: So, what? What are you saying? You’re saying someone snuck into your office, ate an orange popsicle and left the sticky stick on your chair?

OPPENHEIMER: That’s what I’m saying.

ANDERSON: Seems unlikely.

OPPENHEIMER: I have many enemies.

ANDERSON: You do not.

OPPENHEIMER: Yes, I do!

ANDERSON: Name one.

OPPENHEIMER: Uh… Carlos.

ANDERSON: Carlos the international assassin?

OPPENHEIMER: No. Carlos the guy who works in marketing. I… accidentally cut in front of him in the cafeteria line. Took the last oatmeal cookie. You should have seen his eyes smoldering at me. It’s a sight I’ll not soon forget.

ANDERSON: Uh-huh. Look, we need to go over the balance sheet so…

OPPENHEIMER: Eyes that said “One day you shall receive your comuppance!”

ANDERSON: Peter.

OPPENHEIMER: Eyes that said “This… is… not… over!”

ANDERSON: Peter.

OPPENHEIMER: Eyes that said “Enjoy your cookie! It shall be your last!”

ANDERSON: PETER!

OPPENHEIMER: Wha… oh. Sorry.

ANDERSON: Just throw it in the trash and let’s get started.

OPPENHEIMER: Right. Right. I’ll just use a kleenex and… Hey… this popsicle stick is fake.

ANDERSON: What?

OPPENHEIMER: It’s not a real popsicle stick.

ANDERSON: I’m aware of what the word “fake” means.

OPPENHEIMER: Wait… is that a microphone?

POPSICLE STICK VOICE 1: sckzzzzzzt Dammit! He’s on to us!

POPSICLE STICK VOICE 2: Abort! Abort!

ANDERSON: Your… popsicle stick is talking.

OPPENHEIMER: It’s not my…

POPSICLE STICK VOICE 1: No, no, you fool! Shut up!

POPSICLE STICK VOICE 2: Abort, or this will ruin everything!

POPSICLE STICK VOICE 1: Ow! Get off my foot!

ANDERSON: Uh…

OPPENHEIMER: I told you it wasn’t my popsicle stick.

ANDERSON: You know what? I’m gonna come back later. We can… we can talk about the balance sheet any time. Or, hell, I can just retire and you can try to figure out the damn balance sheet.

OPPENHEIMER: [grabs the popsicle stick and yells into it] Who are you?! WHOOOOOO ARRRRRRRRE YOUUUUUUUU?!

POPSICLE STICK VOICE 2: Cut the feed! Cut the fee-

Skzzzzzzzt…

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