Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: Oh, my god! Oh, my god!

A: What?! What is it?!

Q: Did you hear about Michael Eisner?!

A: What? Well, yeah, but…

Q: He’s on his way out! He’s on his way out, man!

A: Well… it does kind of look…

Q: And you know what that means! Steve’s gonna get tapped to head Disney! And when that happens it’s game over for Apple, man! Game over!

A: Oh, come on. You don’t know that.

Q: Who are they going to get to replace Steve? Huh? WHO?!

A: Well, I’m sure there are some good cadidates out there…

Q: I can’t go back to Amelio, man! I can’t do it!

A: They’re not gonna go back to Amelio! None of us are going back to Amelio! Now get a hold of yourself, Marine!

Q: Yessir.

A: We’ve just got to think. Think! Who can head Apple if Steve goes to Disney?

Q: I’ve been trying to think of someone for days and I’ve come up with nothing! Nothing, I tell you!

A: DON’T PANIC! Look… OK… OK. Here’s what we do… First, we sneak onto the set of ER and hit that Noah Wyle guy over the head with a Golden Globe award. Then we take a small piece of his spinal chord to clone him with. Once we have grown our gollem Steve Jobs, Apple’s place in the technology industry will be secure!

Q: Uh…

A: What?

Q: Why are we cloning Noah Wyle again? I mean… he just played Steve Jobs in that movie.

A: Oh, look who’s all critical of the plan now! Mr. Wah-Wah, We’re Doomed doesn’t like the plan! You know, maybe you could come up with a plan instead of just trying to criticize other people’s plans!

Q: OK. OK. My bad. The plan’s great. I love the plan. I’m excited to be a part of this great plan.

Q: Yeah, I like the plan, too, but I think it needs one addition.

A: OK. What?

Q: Well, I think we’d all be safer – just to make sure, you know – if we… well… how do I put this? If we… got rid of Amelio. Just to be sure.

A: Mmm. Yeeeesss…

Q: We wouldn’t have to kill him or anything. We’d just… give him a vacation… until things blow over and the Noah Wyle gollem is firmly ensconced.

A: Ooh, a vacation! Maybe… maybe we could send him to one of those desert spas.

Q: Oh… that would be nice.

A: Yeah, I think he’d like that.

Q: I hear there are some nice ones outside of Phoenix.

A: We could call for some brochures.

Q: Mmm-hmm. Someplace that has one of those tubs where you soak in mud with cucumber slices on your eyes.

A: Oh, I’ve always wanted to do that.

Q: You know… the only thing… well…

A: What?

Q: Well… I’ve heard those places are kind of expensive.

A: Oh.

Q: Yeah. I don’t imagine we have a big budget for this plan.

A: No. No, we don’t.

Q: Hmm.

A: Yeah… well… we could… just shove him in a sack and keep him in my cousin’s basement in New Rochelle.

Q: New Rochelle? Isn’t that a little cruel?

A: C’mon! It’s Amelio!

Q: Hmm. OK. I’m good with that.

Q: Oh, dude, your plan is not going to work.

A: What? No. No, we’ve thought of every contingency! Even the dread Amelio Gambit.

Q: No, no, it’s the Noah Wyle gollem.

A: What about it?

Q: Well, if there’s one constant about gollem… gollems… gollemeses… golli…?

A: More than one gollem.

Q: Right. If there’s any constant about them, it’s that they always end up destroying their maker. It’s unavoidable.

A: Huh. Really?

Q: Oh, yeah. The minute he becomes CEO he’s gonna be all “Grrrr! Rworrrrr! Me kill master!” That kind of thing.

A: Oh. Well that sucks.

Q: Yeah. I guess that’s why you don’t see more of them.

A: OK. Well… OK. I have another plan.

Q: Yeah?

A: I can’t give you too many details… but… it involves Jell-O… that can think.

Q: I’m lis-tening!