15 Jun 04Apple Followers Give Up On Apple Handheld

After years of being the “it” gadget on every Mac users’ wish list for Apple to produce, the Apple handheld has finally dropped out of the top ten.

According to a study conducted by the Pew Charitable Trusts’ Center for Apple Computer Research, an Apple handheld now ranks behind “scratch-n-sniff iBooks” and “Keynote-themed underwear.”

“I think people just got sick of waiting,” said Dan Gillmor of the San Jose Mercury News. “There are just so many keynotes you can get geared up for hoping they’ll release a handheld before… you know… fool me once…”

Apple fanatic Daniel Tuttle concurred with Gillmor’s assessment.

“I’m tired of getting set up again and again just to be disappointed,” Tuttle said. “I keep hoping… maybe this time…”

Taking a moment to compose himself, Tuttle wiped his eyes.

“I’m sorry. I promised myself I wasn’t going to cry. It’s just… all the hopes… all the dreams…

“I just have to live my life! I just have to take care of Dan!”

Tuttle said he’s been pricing handhelds from Palm and when he feels ready to make a commitment, he’ll buy one.

The Pew study surveyed 1,456 Apple product users from around the globe and determined that the top ten products users hope to see from Apple are:

  1. Sexbots
  2. Sentient PowerBooks
  3. Dalmation iPods
  4. Frickin’ updated AppleWorks for Pete’s sake
  5. iLlegal iTunes Music Store
  6. Scratch-n-sniff iBooks
  7. Sexbots
  8. A line of children’s books featuring Steve Jobs and Phil Schiller in humorous but heartfelt adventures that teach kids about friendship and growing up
  9. Did I say “Sexbots”?
  10. Keynote-themed underwear

Apple declined to comment on this list, saying the company does not comment on products it has not released.

41 Responses to “Apple Followers Give Up On Apple Handheld”

  1. Coronary says:

    First post?

  2. Sembazuru says:

    Second. And I COMPLETELY agree with #4.

  3. third says:


  4. me says:

    where are my pants?

  5. David Hoff says:

    Is it just me, or is there no Pogue assessment in the article to agree with? Perhaps Dan Gillmor is a pseudonym for David Pogue?

  6. Mason says:

    It’s like my Christmas wishlist…

  7. Ozi says:

    im dissapointed that sexbots only appeared on the list three times. Clearly, apple users do not know wat they are missing out on! 😀

  8. Huck says:

    I second that call for #4. BTW Ozi, some of us are beta testers for Apple, so we don’t necessarily need, say, numbers 1, 7 and 9.

  9. EMan says:

    Where do you find “sexbots” on the Apple website? Hardware? Software? Support? Quickie Time? Pro? Hot News?

  10. EMan says:

    Go Pistons.

  11. Harold says:

    Note that while people are waiting for sentient powerbooks, they’re not waiting for sentient sexbots.

    This tells us something, though I’m not sure what.

  12. Zack Martin says:

    So, in the most depressing moment of my life.

    I was pondering what was the best of my summer so far, noting my overzealous g33k claims of getting a new girlfriend were, as of yet, harder to accomplish then earlier anticipated. And the social events have been few and far between.

    After a moment or two of pondering what I really had done this summer…

    All I could say was…”I got First post on CARS yesterday”

    I then pondered drowning myself :-\

  13. PaulW says:


  14. Steve says:

    What about scratch-n-sniff underwear? Oh wait…

  15. UhhhDude says:

    There’s still hope for the eMac? Well? Isn’t there?

    Well poo. And to think I spent $25 on a used Newton 130 with add-on sexbot neural net. Oh well; into the trash it goes….

  16. Odivocar says:

    I’ll give you $5 for it.

  17. John Moltz says:

    Pogue, Gillmor, what’s the difference?

  18. John Moltz says:

    Personally, I’d like to see some discussion about number 8. What kind of adventures would Steve and Phil get into? Would they all involve liquor and hookers or just some of them?

  19. Pan Fried says:

    Um, isn’t the iPod an Apple hand-held?

  20. National Fudge Consortium says:

    And let’s not forget about delicious, mouth-watering fudge!

    Mmmm… fudge!


  21. Insider says:

    We definitely need Sexbots. As we know from previous articles, Apple engineers aren’t getting any.

  22. someone says:

    My #1 pick: Sentient underwear.

    Think about it.

  23. J Lo says:

    I did not have sex with John Moltz again and again and again last night and it was fabulous.

  24. UhhhDude says:

    What was fabulous – not having sex, or not having it with John Moltz again and again and again?

  25. UhhhDude says:

    Also, nice butt.

    No, not you, John.

  26. greenacres says:

    Hey! J-Lo is a married woman now, I’m sure she took her vows seriously. Do you think the sexbots could be modeled off of her?

  27. John Moltz says:

    I did not have sex with the J Lo sexbot last night.

    We just ate popcorn, did each other’s hair and talked about boys.

  28. Maestro says:

    Well isn’t that interesting just as the hand held came off the top 10 list Steve Jobs in a NY times article this week said Apple will never do a hand held it was the best business decision Apple made not to get in the PDA market.

    See Jobs knew people just didn’t want them as much anymore…

  29. Huck says:

    Best business decision my ass! How about a handheld sexbot eh? Those would sell like… no, not hotcakes, they wouldn’t sell anything like hotcakes.

    1,000 orgasms in your… pocket.

  30. AM says:

    Uhm, handheld sexbots are free. http://www.sourceforge.net/projects/handheld-sexbots

    It’s open source, had thousands of years of development and is stable for the most part.

  31. uma says:

    i didn’t have sex with john moltz last night either.

    hi j lo. hi john.


  32. kentsin says:

    When Apple will make its mobile handset? Or a ipod which can dial or do push_to_talk? ipod with short range p2p?

  33. troy says:

    CANADIAN ITMS FOR GOD SAKE!!!!!! How long do we have to suffer, shouldn’t this be covered by civil rights legislation of affirmative action quotas.

  34. Frank says:

    I’m still waiting for my Apple HandJob.

  35. Britney says:

    Last Night, like, Me and John held hands and shared bubble gum. And J-Lo and Uma only massaged our backs. I swear, like, thats all that happened. *giggles*

  36. Huck says:

    *Whips out shotgun* Ka-BLAM!

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