23 Jun 04Wide Aspect Screens Not Good For Certain Pictures.


With the widely expected announcement of a 30-inch screen perhaps only moments away, Apple’s trend toward wide aspect screens continues unabated. At the same time, with the fashion and pornography industries trending toward thinner and thinner models, Apple’s displays present an ever-increasing viewing connundrum.

14-year-old Joshua Sellars complained, “Sometimes when I open up a JPEG I’ve just downloaded, like, let’s say one called hotnude.jpg… It doesn’t have to be hotnude.jpg… it could be luciouschick.jpg… or megababe.jpg. Whatever.

“The point is, all I see is her head. Or her knees. Or her… well… let’s just say I only see part of her body.

“That totally sucks. I spend my nights just scrolling up and down. It’s really starting to hurt my wrist.”

Sellars’ friend Stephen Folk said “No, dude, you’re doing it wrong. You shrink them down to the right height. See, look at me. I’ve got 750 Vogue models lined up across my screen.”

But excessive vertical scrolling by randy youngsters has become a problem according to many in the medical profession.

“We have seen a startling increase in the number of wrist stress cases since the advent of wide aspect screens,” said Dr. Raymond Thies of Harborview Medical Center.

“Of course,” Dr. Thies added, “there is a possibility that all the strained wrists are not so much due to the scrolling as they are due to… um… er… well… uh… all the… um… with the… ointments and… ah…

“You see, when a teenage boy loves a JPEG very much, he… uh… Well… here, I have this pamphlet on it…”

Dr. Thies produced a pamphlet entitled Self Gratification the Ergonomic Way (or, How Todd Learned How To Be a Switch Hitter).

Apple declined to comment for this story, but did let out an amused snort.

39 Responses to “Wide Aspect Screens Not Good For Certain Pictures.”

  1. Ambrose Chapel says:

    frist

  2. Daddy Bartholomew says:

    Sorry, misspellings not allowed. FIRST!!

  3. John Moltz says:

    Now, now, DB. Let’s have no sour grapes. Give Ambrose his moment.

  4. bill gates says:

    third!!!

  5. bill gates says:

    damn

  6. MacQuest says:

    Fourtht!

    [The first fourth post]

  7. greenacres says:

    Firfth! Awww, damn screwed it up again…

  8. FiPi says:

    [this is good]

  9. Huck says:

    Eleveventhth! Gah! Did I miss?

  10. Chuckles the clown says:

    Are all these misspellings because of … uh… strained wrists?

    (cough)

  11. Jon Wedaman says:

    Ergonomic “Wrist Straining”… hm….

  12. The magnanimous wang strikes again!

    Feel my wrath!

    In a completely Platonic way!

  13. Cyanide says:

    Oh! Todd! Can you help me? I just can’t seem to get the hang of it.

    Also, my weiner is big.

  14. 2000guitars says:

    magnanimous wang (of doom)

  15. MacStansbury says:

    First of all, I want to thank Safari for making this so easy to enter my information each time I write a post.

    Secondly, I know realize that Moltz isn’t getting any, here lately. I know from experience, after a while it starts to creep into everything you do.

    Next thing you know–BLAM–your computer’s pregnant, you ain’t got no job, and your old man cuts you off. That’s what happened to me and my computer love child.

    ….

    Man, I gotta lay off this Thunderbird……

  16. Anonymous says:

    Would that be U.S. Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-TN) that you’re referring to?

  17. Brother Mugga says:

    Magnanimus Wangratchet (of Doom).

    I hope they don’t bring out the 30″ or I’ll be suffering from pixel envy.

    Still – you know monitor manufacturers. When they *say* “30 inches” they really *mean* “28.1”.

  18. Tony Blair says:

    well parliament is quiet so i thought i’d try to get in touch with you jolly old americans. and from the looks of things we have plenty in common. there’s nothing i like more than sitting down in front of my computer screen and vigorously ‘admiring’ the ladies who happen to cross it… erchem.

    oh shit, i forgot to run the country, got to go, cheerio.

  19. Del says:

    Picks Plz

    Ha I beat Huck to it đŸ™‚

  20. Del says:

    Man bad spelling abounds today.

    let’s try again:

    Pic’s Plz

  21. Ambrose Chapel says:

    why yes it is…

  22. Gag Halfrunt says:

    Has anyone seen my pants?

  23. Anonymous says:

    He who writes weiner jokes shall be condemned to a message board of juvenillity

  24. In related news, fleshbot reports a jump in downloads of bed-based… “fashion.”

  25. Jonny Quest says:

    Is that really Tony Blair, Linda Blair’s Brother? It sure sounds like him, all stuffy and british like, could it really be him?????

  26. Anonymous says:

    kids in america are apparently not creative enought to rotate the image, then turn their heads (or, just turn the screen).

  27. bill gates says:

    no

    of course its not him

    you mac users are all so gullible

    switch to windows

    YOU ARE OBSOLETE!!!!!!

    HAHA

  28. blank says:

    Just a reminder for the trolls (I’m lookin’ at you, Bill…don’t think I’m not!):

    The Entity knows where you live.

    Cheers,

    Blank

  29. Huck says:

    Fear the apostrophe!

  30. Billy Goat Gruff says:

    Hiding under the bridge scared of them trolls

  31. wilbur says:

    Aren’t JPGs obsolete yet? When I want a good night of wrist-stressing action, I rely on high quality MPG, DIVX, etc. Now THAT’s where wide screens come into play. With Apple’s ever-increasing focus on widescreen displays and Quicktime as a high quality media standard, they are quickly becoming the world’s foremost por.. err.. wrist exercise company.

  32. Huck says:

    Would it work with luciousjesus.jpg? I don’t have any files with the other filenames on my computer, just that one. In fact, I don’t have any other programs or files at all, just that one jpg. Oh and I have a bookmark for the Mega-Post, but that’s just a coincidence. C-O-I-N-C-I-D-E-N-C-E!

  33. pran says:

    have a need a wank.

  34. MacStansbury says:

    [have a need a wank.]

    huh? are there words in there that got bleeped?

  35. b-man says:

    Is it just me, or has Moltz been a bit off lately? Liquid cooling systems…strained wrists…african gray rhinos…

  36. Well, the truth is out.

    Moltz has been conducting super-secret missions for Bush-Cheney-2004 (it seems the Entity says Bush must get reelected to cause some sort of galactic disaster, and it seems the Entity went short on a lot of Milky Way stocks on the Andromedia exchange and wants to cash in).

    While Chet and the lesbian midgets have been writing the site, Moltz has been involved in a secret anti-Kerry mission involving Crisco, Ralph Nader, a gross of marbles, half a pack of Marlboros, all of Montana and Carrottop.

    No more can be said, due to secrecy concerns.

  37. Hamond says:

    Don’t forget about security.