Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.


Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: I’ve been using Macs since 1995. I’ve had a host of Performas, iMacs and PowerBooks. I’ve used OS 8, 9 and 10. But one thing has been bothering me this whole time. What’s this thing?
A: That thing?
Q: No. That’s my D’Argo action figure. What’s this thing?
A: This thing?
Q: GAH! No! Why would I be asking you what my mint condition Captain America and Falcon issue #167 from 1973 is?! I know what it is!
A: Well, do you mean that?
Q: Are you blind, as well as stupid and annoying?!
A: I…
Q: That’s clearly my collection of Starlog magazines featuring Boba Fett on the cover! Why are you making this so difficult?!
A: I’m not, you’re just gesturing wildly!
Q: THAT! RIGHT THERE!
A: That?
Q: YES! THAT!
A: That’s… that’s the Apple icon. From whence comes the Apple menu. You may have heard of it.
Q: OK, now I feel stupid.
A: Ah, well, then, my work is done here.

Q: I have a Power Mac G5 which I’m working on a case mod for.
A: What? No. Dude, case mods are for PCs. You don’t case mod a G5. That would be an act against nature. An aberration.
Q: No, see, this case mod would make the G5 even cooler looking, combining the best of Apple’s inimitable design and the armor of the most deadly assassin in the sector!
A: Oh, no… you can’t be serious…
Q: Two words: Boba Mac!
A: NO!
Q: BO-BA MAC! BO-BA MAC! BO-BA MAC!
A: DON’T YOU DO IT!
Q: I’M DOING IT!
A: DON’T YOU DO IT!
Q: I’M MOD-ING MY MAC INTO BOBA FETT AND THERE’S NOTHING YOU CAN DO!
A: NOOOOOOOOO!!!
Q: Uh, well, actually, I don’t have all the parts yet. I’m having a hard time getting the helmet just right.
A: Oh. OK. Well…
Q: Um…
A: Why don’t you just call me back when you’re ready and we can pick up where we left off.
Q: At, uh, “…AND THERE’S NOTHING YOU CAN DO!”?
A: Yeah, that’ll work.

Q: I have a G4 iBook that I will use as a convenient lead-in to this question which will have nothing to do with it.
A: OK.
Q: The question is, why do so many questions on this feature mention Boba Fett?
A: Oh, well, he’s such a popular character – perhaps the most popular character – from the remarkable breadth of truly talented filmmaking done by George Lucas.
Q: Um…
A: And the crap he’s spewed out in the last fifteen years.
Q: OK, there you go.
A: So, it’s not really so unusual to mention Boba Fett.
Q: Well… are you sure… um…
A: What?
Q: No, I shouldn’t.
A: What?!
Q: Well… I mean… have you considered that… No.
A: WHAT?!
Q: That… you might have a… heh… Boba Fettish?
A: …
Q: Ha-ha! See, it’s funny because…
A: …
Q: I’ll go now.

156 thoughts on “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  14. One more post — doing my part during this holiday season for the good of my fellow man.

    And woman, of course.

    That’s what the holidays are for. (Doing your part, not women per se. Oh screw it…)

    Dang, this post is turning into a double entendre gone crazy.

    (Insert Boba Fett/Boobie/Fetish joke here)

    On to 100! And pie!

  20. Dag nabbit…it was, afterall, my highly original idea to post multipliciously to assure myself the ton.

    So I deserved something nice.

    Quid pro quo and all that.

    ..Oh and a little bit of Status Quo.

    Let the hair down.

    Boogie.

    Boogie Nights.

    You go Dirk.

  25. you’ll have to realize, that as the King of the Post Pad™ ©2004 MacStansbury.com, I have certain rights and responsibilities.

    And if this becomes another Son of Mega-Post, well, lets just say that the NASCAR jokes are on the way…

  26. Sorry folks, I will not contribute to this posting madness. Posting this late on a day when a story is due is silly. Who is going to read your post once a new story is posted. Only the Mega Post has had the staying power to transend this elemetal principle. (See that….G%#$*@n beautiful prose and no one is probably going to read it. John is probably posting a story at this every minute and this is the dread…unread…

    Last Post!! (sob))

  33. Still goin’ eh?

    It’s a bit of a waste of….well a waste of everything really.

    But I can’t stop.

  34. Just stopped by to see how the psuedo mega-post’s basard child was doing. Just as I expected, still a pointless waste of time. Carry on.

  37. You are getting very sleepy.

    Your eyelids are heavy, that’s it just let them close. Let them close. Sleep. Sleep now. Sleep. Leave the 100th post for the Antipodeans. Sleep.

  42. I thought of “[Obvious reply]” just as the button was pressed. Hence the second …ermm….well…I seek perfection.

    Anyway it gets us into the nighties.

    Further Antipodean clues in the dialog below;

    “G’Day mate. Mind me roo will ya?”

    “No worries mate. She’s a ripper.”

    “I calls her Shiela. She’s a real darlin'”

    “She’s beut mate.”

    “Vegemite mate?”

  44. Not necessarily. I’ve checked with Geneva and the rules of engagement are thus:

    1. No consecutive posts.

    2. Posts must maintain a level of sensibility in accordance with article 2.34.9-2 (1947)

    3. Innocent third parties drawn into the conflict shall be treated humanely.

    4. The combatant to make the hundredth post is awarded supreme sovereignty over themselves and is allowed to dance around in circles making the animal noise of their choice.

  45. Dear Mr Rabbit,

    We’ve been observing your conflict very keenly and may I say it is quite possibly the most honourable contest I’ve had the pleasure to witness and could be the template for all future skirmishes, running battles, incursions and even full blown war (except nuclear).

    I haste to point out, however, a loophole in the terms you’ve been supplied. This being that a primary combatant could disguise themselves as an innocent third party and post consecutively.

    May I suggest this loophole be plugged by the following point;

    1.1 Combatants must post as themselves and may not pose as an innocent third party.

    Yours etc.

    Genuine Geneva Convention Guy.

  47. Sure. But I would suggest that we leave the 100th post for some poor retch like Tiny Tim on christmas.

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