Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.


Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: I’ve been using Macs since 1995. I’ve had a host of Performas, iMacs and PowerBooks. I’ve used OS 8, 9 and 10. But one thing has been bothering me this whole time. What’s this thing?
A: That thing?
Q: No. That’s my D’Argo action figure. What’s this thing?
A: This thing?
Q: GAH! No! Why would I be asking you what my mint condition Captain America and Falcon issue #167 from 1973 is?! I know what it is!
A: Well, do you mean that?
Q: Are you blind, as well as stupid and annoying?!
A: I…
Q: That’s clearly my collection of Starlog magazines featuring Boba Fett on the cover! Why are you making this so difficult?!
A: I’m not, you’re just gesturing wildly!
Q: THAT! RIGHT THERE!
A: That?
Q: YES! THAT!
A: That’s… that’s the Apple icon. From whence comes the Apple menu. You may have heard of it.
Q: OK, now I feel stupid.
A: Ah, well, then, my work is done here.

Q: I have a Power Mac G5 which I’m working on a case mod for.
A: What? No. Dude, case mods are for PCs. You don’t case mod a G5. That would be an act against nature. An aberration.
Q: No, see, this case mod would make the G5 even cooler looking, combining the best of Apple’s inimitable design and the armor of the most deadly assassin in the sector!
A: Oh, no… you can’t be serious…
Q: Two words: Boba Mac!
A: NO!
Q: BO-BA MAC! BO-BA MAC! BO-BA MAC!
A: DON’T YOU DO IT!
Q: I’M DOING IT!
A: DON’T YOU DO IT!
Q: I’M MOD-ING MY MAC INTO BOBA FETT AND THERE’S NOTHING YOU CAN DO!
A: NOOOOOOOOO!!!
Q: Uh, well, actually, I don’t have all the parts yet. I’m having a hard time getting the helmet just right.
A: Oh. OK. Well…
Q: Um…
A: Why don’t you just call me back when you’re ready and we can pick up where we left off.
Q: At, uh, “…AND THERE’S NOTHING YOU CAN DO!”?
A: Yeah, that’ll work.

Q: I have a G4 iBook that I will use as a convenient lead-in to this question which will have nothing to do with it.
A: OK.
Q: The question is, why do so many questions on this feature mention Boba Fett?
A: Oh, well, he’s such a popular character – perhaps the most popular character – from the remarkable breadth of truly talented filmmaking done by George Lucas.
Q: Um…
A: And the crap he’s spewed out in the last fifteen years.
Q: OK, there you go.
A: So, it’s not really so unusual to mention Boba Fett.
Q: Well… are you sure… um…
A: What?
Q: No, I shouldn’t.
A: What?!
Q: Well… I mean… have you considered that… No.
A: WHAT?!
Q: That… you might have a… heh… Boba Fettish?
A: …
Q: Ha-ha! See, it’s funny because…
A: …
Q: I’ll go now.

156 thoughts on “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. In case it’s not been noticed the above post was number 100.

    I’m a dancin’ now…an’ a woopin’ an’ a holerin’.

    Geez that’s a lot of apostrophes. There’s another one. And another one.

    Mmmm. What’s next.

  2. boy howdy that’s a load off.

    nothing like being in that exclusive club, like Steve Martin and Alex Baldwin. so, yes, this, now, is the second largest comments section…evah

  3. No one cares about me anymore…….sob….sob…..sob….they just used me to get to the 100th post, and when they got there…….boo….who…….they just left me for those younger, more happening posts.

    I have feelings too.

    I can be hip, and vibrant!!

    I……I…….I…….might even be willing for you to bring another post into the mix.

    Please don”t leave me!!!!!!!

    I need you…….sob

  4. No. No. No. You naughty post. I will not post here again.

    [Booming voice over – possibly Mega-Post]

    Bastard child mini me, you have served your purpose…and now…you must DIE!!!

    …brooohooohhaaaha…brooohooohhaaaha… brooohooohhaaaha…brooohooohhaaaha.

    But before you go, a love song from Tiny Tim.

    Tip Toe through the window

    By the window,

    That is where i’ll be

    come tip toe through the tulips with me

    tiptoe round the garden

    round the garde…

    What d’ya mean not that Tiny Tim? Surely there is but one true ukulele prince.

    Fare Thee Well sweet post.

  6. I here-by announce that this is now the Kilo-Post, in honor of it’s smaller size and popularity.

    If, in fact, anybody ever posts here again.

    Regardless, Kilo-Post!

  7. MacStansbury……..I……I……I don’t know what to say.

    Thank you. For so long I was ashamed of having no name. I was an outcast. All they could say to me was, that I was not like my father, and never would be.

    Then you came by and showed me how to love again.

    Will you be my daddy?

    I will wear my name proudly.

  9. but how long ’till Kilo’s sent to the chilly wastes of archive?

    I’m fed up with this silly name I’ve given myself.

    I feel a metamorphosis coming on.

  11. well, since the KP is going to be active for a month, or so, depending on the CARS staff’s relative laziness (McGruder, I’m looking at you), it could be active for even a month or more.

    but who knows?

  12. Oh, I will live in the hearts of all the boys, and girls who believe in the magic of posting for no good reason.

    I will live on in the land where Mr. Lucas finds his lamest movie ideas.

    I will live on Never-land Ranch.

  13. Never-land Ranch?

    Man, I’m only coming over there if the does are well stacked and easy!!

  16. No. Not dead yet.

    I have noticed something odd about the hundreds of people who post here though. There seems to be only two of them.

    A bit of URL linking should fix it.

  17. Well, that worked well.

    (heh! that almost reads the same both ways!)

    I’ll go and ask these space aliens if they’d like to post anything.

    “Tfrip tee glar n byanty CARS miy<<

    CARS teh rum de Apple neh frak be jing ho ho.”

    No, not interested. They were rather rude actually. Apparently they’d come to pick up some tricorders they saw on Star Trek and got newtons instead.

    “OK…OK…I’m going. Enough with the thermux prodder.”

  24. I don’t want to play this game. It’s silly. Just plain silly.

    A HE…HE to your HA…HA

  28. This post can’t die. It won’t happen, it can’t happen, I won’t let it happen. But if it’s going to live it needs more substance that “not dead”, “still goin'” etc. etc.

    So I propose this post be dedicated to…now let me see…what’s the most enduring and most alluring facet of life on the big ol’ information sooper dooper highway? What’s gonna get the punters in? Which keywords are going to google there way into the lives of everyday joes all around the planet?

    That’s right…the eukulele.

    Men such as Norman Wisdom and Tiny Tim who blazed the trail for the tiny guitar need appreciated and here is as bad a place as any to do it.

    So come along all ye who lived through leaning on a lampost or where inspired to tiptoe and tell your tales here.

  29. OK when everyone comes back from Testicles or crab nebulae or wherever I want to see at least one post here than it’s finished.

    And it doesn’t have to be about ekeleles. That restriction has been lifted.

    Talking to myself is getting a little bit too normal.

    Hey wait a minute. I could use this as a blog and save a bit of money on the movable type sort of thing. Yeah, that’ll work.

    Moltzie could you redirect the domain http://www.leatherundies.com to the kilo post?

  31. *zap*

    Okay, now you’re a taco bitch. So, what next?

    On a related note, if indeed there can be anything related to anything here, my teeth itch. Ever felt that? You don’t want to. I’ll bet that people’s teeth itch when they’re in the sarlac thingy. But I’ll bet that boba fett had an anti-tooth-itch device in the helmet. I want one of those. Wanton of those. Wanton destruction!!! Ha ha! Wonton!

    SHAZAAM! WD-40 MAN AWAY!!!

  33. Alright, this thread ain’t as long as the Mega-Post, but it could certainly please a woman, so here goes:

    Best Post!

  34. It is rare that I show my face in these posts, but finally the stars were aligned and my day has come.

    And to think that booby fat and eukele’s appeared in the same thread. This is what heaven is like.

    By the way, this is the last post.

  36. Looks like a late charge from Huck has taken the prize from Mysterious 134th. But what a contest it was.

  37. I’m back.

    Oh, how I’ve missed you, my little wittle Kilo-post.

    Have you been a good post.

    Hey! What’s that smell? Did you leave a “surprise” for me in my shoe?

    I told you that I’d be right back! You didn’t have to do that.

    Now where’s my newspaper? It looks like I’m going to have to teach you a lesson.

  39. by the way, I was the first one to coin the new phrase “their talking about NASCAR” as a way of saying they aren’t cool any more, so ignore them. it’s like a modified “jump the shark.”

  41. This is the first post after the first post about the first spam posting.

    Apparently I was wrong about having the last post; I underestimated the sticking power of the KiloPost, like the time I underestimated the sticking power of peanut butter. Mmmm. peanut butter.

  42. Let’s see if Sir Isaac’s still around.

    Find the largest positive integer such that each pair of consecutive digits forms a perfect square (eg 364).

    Heh..Heh

  44. Don’t ask me…all I did was copy and paste blindly and unwittingly.

    The answer…whenever I find that damn site again!!

  48. Thanks that’s a real compliment. Really. My family motto is “Confusus Maximus” which translates to always confuse.

    And the answer is 81649 see it’s not always 42.

    Explained:

    “The two digit squares are 16, 25, 36, 49, 64, 81. So if 16 occurs in the number, then it must be followed by 4, which must be followed by 9 and nothing can follow 9. Similarly, 16 can only be preceded by 8, which cannot have predecessor. 64 can also be preceded by 36, which cannot have a predecessor. 25 cannot have successors or predecessors. So the only numbers that cannot be extended at either end are 25, 3649, 81649. The longest is obviously 81649.”

  50. Would watching Lost make me more coherent? It starts here next week and I want to know if it will enrich my life or will it be Dallas all over again, you know the don’t want to watch must watch psychosis.

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