Sources in Apple’s Human Resources department indicate that the company has a rampant problem with alpha geek dominance.
Geeks within Apple are reportedly in a continued struggle for dominance that often expresses itself physically as well as verbally and creates a threatening work environment for many.
At a team meeting earlier today, frightened omega geeks were chastised, bullied and humiliated by an alpha geek in an ongoing exercise that sociologists say serves to establish a hierarchy of technical prowess.
“YOU CALL THAT ERROR TRAPPING?!” alpha geek John A. Vink screamed into the face of a lesser geek, pointing at several lines of code on a screen.
“AND WHAT’S THIS?! AN N-SQUARED ALGORITHM?! I CRAP MORE EFFICIENT ALGORITHMS THAN THAT! MY GOD, YOU’RE A MORON! NOW, DROP AND GIVE ME TWENTY!”
Vink further instructed the lesser geek to give him three log(N) implementations for the same function before the end of the day, even though only one is needed.
While Apple HR is poised to issue a policy against geek dominance, many in the technical areas of the company believe it is actually a good thing.
“Just as in a wolf pack, there must be order,” mused Chief Technology Officer Avie Tevanian.
“As with the chimps studied by Jane Goodall, the mountain gorillas studied by Dian Fossey, and… uh… a couple of Schnauzers studied by this guy I knew back in college, there is a pecking order. An order in which members of the group must be… um… pecked, if you will.
“You see, first member A is pecked, then member B and so on down the line. Member Z may or may not even get… pecked.
“I don’t really know what ‘pecking’ is and it may have been teacup poodles instead of Schnauzers, but I’m quite certain I stand on legitimate scientific turf.”
Despite Tevanian’s contention that there are benefits, a number of employees have begun to speak out against hazing by alpha geeks and Apple HR has promised to deal with the matter.
“This kind of behavior is unacceptable,” said Apple HR spokesperson Dwight Campbell. “How are we supposed to attract good job candidates if they have to be afraid of getting book dumped or snicker-snagged?
“Snicker-snagging is hardly the kind of thing we put into the brochure, you know?”
Campbell was unable, however, to define exactly what snicker-snagging was, but said he had heard it was “real nasty.”