09 Dec 04Alpha Geeks Starting To Be A Problem At Apple.


Sources in Apple’s Human Resources department indicate that the company has a rampant problem with alpha geek dominance.

Geeks within Apple are reportedly in a continued struggle for dominance that often expresses itself physically as well as verbally and creates a threatening work environment for many.

At a team meeting earlier today, frightened omega geeks were chastised, bullied and humiliated by an alpha geek in an ongoing exercise that sociologists say serves to establish a hierarchy of technical prowess.

“YOU CALL THAT ERROR TRAPPING?!” alpha geek John A. Vink screamed into the face of a lesser geek, pointing at several lines of code on a screen.

“AND WHAT’S THIS?! AN N-SQUARED ALGORITHM?! I CRAP MORE EFFICIENT ALGORITHMS THAN THAT! MY GOD, YOU’RE A MORON! NOW, DROP AND GIVE ME TWENTY!”

Vink further instructed the lesser geek to give him three log(N) implementations for the same function before the end of the day, even though only one is needed.

While Apple HR is poised to issue a policy against geek dominance, many in the technical areas of the company believe it is actually a good thing.

“Just as in a wolf pack, there must be order,” mused Chief Technology Officer Avie Tevanian.

“As with the chimps studied by Jane Goodall, the mountain gorillas studied by Dian Fossey, and… uh… a couple of Schnauzers studied by this guy I knew back in college, there is a pecking order. An order in which members of the group must be… um… pecked, if you will.

“You see, first member A is pecked, then member B and so on down the line. Member Z may or may not even get… pecked.

“I don’t really know what ‘pecking’ is and it may have been teacup poodles instead of Schnauzers, but I’m quite certain I stand on legitimate scientific turf.”

Despite Tevanian’s contention that there are benefits, a number of employees have begun to speak out against hazing by alpha geeks and Apple HR has promised to deal with the matter.

“This kind of behavior is unacceptable,” said Apple HR spokesperson Dwight Campbell. “How are we supposed to attract good job candidates if they have to be afraid of getting book dumped or snicker-snagged?

“Snicker-snagging is hardly the kind of thing we put into the brochure, you know?”

Campbell was unable, however, to define exactly what snicker-snagging was, but said he had heard it was “real nasty.”

34 Responses to “Alpha Geeks Starting To Be A Problem At Apple.”

  1. Dan Daranciang says:

    First! OMG!

  2. Dan says:

    Second. I am the Beta Geek.

  3. MacStansbury says:

    man, I was even trying and this is as low as I could get…

    /me post hog

    I need a vacation

  4. UhhhDude says:

    Fourth. I am NOT an alpha geek, for sure. What’s a logarithm? Is that music for lumberjacks?

  5. Streetrabbit says:

    It’s the same in the rabbit community. There’s Frank and Harvey then there’s the rest of us.

    Bit dissapointed no mention of scrotal temperature.

  6. Um, it’s “Snicker-snacking” – which is a chopping motion as if slaying with a sword. It derives from Lewis Carroll’s poem “Jabberwocky”, which is included in the Alice in Wonderland sequel, “Through the Looking Glass and What Alice Found There”.

    The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!

  7. The Alpha-Goat says:

    The Alpha-Goat will DOMINATE YOU!!!

  8. Hungry Homer says:

    All this talk about snicker snacking is making me hungry for a candy bar!

  9. John A. Vink says:

    Oh my God! That’s me!

    All you other posters SUCK! You call that a post? I’ve read better posts on Mac OS Rumours! Yeah, that’s right! I spelled it the Canadian way! We speak English – the kind that comes from England! That’s why it’s called English!

    Drop and give me 3 squared!

    JAV

  10. Psyko says:

    Ok, I gave you 81 to the one half power. It was easier than 20.

    You are getting weak John. Back in the day you would at least require an 8 bit set.

  11. 11 says:

    I am number 11. (3rd)

  12. Invisible Evil Boys' Choir says:

    AH! AH! AH! AH!

    AH! AH! AH! AH!

    AH! AH! AH! AH!

    AH! AH! AH! AH!

    AH! AH! AH! AH!

    AH! AH! AH! AH!

    AH! AH! AH! AH!

  13. UhhhDude says:

    Hey! can we afford to have these kids around here for two day straight? Budget issues and all that, you know.

    Besides, I flubbed the audition, so I am kinda jealous.

  14. Streetrabbit says:

    Canada sux except for trailer park boys. But you’re right about the spelling way to go, and I’ve never been to Canada so I don’t know if it really sux. Maybe it doesn’t, let’s say it rocks. TPB rox.

    Has this got anything to do with the article?

    Yes?

    Good.

  15. Streetrabbit says:

    The CSC Christmas party has got me totally shagged. Must go to the Mega-Post to dump. Hic….burp….thump….

  16. Del says:

    Speaking of pecking order problems. My sister once brought her 4lb Yorkshire Terrier to meet my full size horses. Now, my horses like dogs and are quite used to them. My sister’s Yorkie decides though that he can easily take out a 1400lb animal and attacks one of my horses. My horse takes his hoof and gently flicks the dog out of the pasture. The dog gets up without any injuries (he’s barely even sore in the morning) and he at least realizes it’s safer to hurl insults at a 1400lb animal from the OTHER side of the fence.

    So I guess the moral of the story is never get into a pissing contest in which you have the chance of drowning. Or maybe it is Yorkies are stupid. I don’t really know.

  17. Streetrabbit says:

    Del. Your horse sounds like someone I could get along with. I hate yorkies, they suck big time. They bite me. The bastards!

  18. Like, okay, I’m the other McKenzie Brother AND the “Other Steve” people don’t talk about. I’m the discoveror of the the Macintosh Apple. Did you know that kind of apple was discovered Ontario, eh? It has the colours red and green, eh?

    So…I’m the Apple Alpha Geek in Canada, eh? Wanna beer?

    The best part of Canada? I live in the city of Regina. And the way it’s pronounced, it sounds like, well, you know, kind of like a woman’s body part. It’s pronounced rudge-EYE-nuh, and we can say it with a straight face. That’s because the RCMP Mounties learn to be Mounties here. Ya know, eh, that they’re the same as, like, the FBI down there in the south? They learn to mount things right here in Regina, eh?

    Hmmm…Mount-ies, Regina, hmmmm…eh?

    18th Post!

  19. Streetrabbit says:

    CoooRoooCooCooCooRoooCoooCooo

  20. Anonymous says:

    I’ve just realised I know everything about everything and everyone. I might possibly be omnipresent.

    Bow to me.

  21. Anonymous says:

    Could be the beer, but I think I might be omnipresent.

  22. Streetrabbit says:

    Damn!! Where did my saved info go??

    Stupid firefox!

  23. MacStansbury says:

    I just realized that I haven’t read the story yet

    I should get on that

  24. Del says:

    Yeah, well I’m omniscient so there. Wouldn’t being omnipresent suck? Every time someone drops a knife you get stabbed, every time someone takes a step you get squished, and every time Steve Ballmer takes a crap…

    Well you get the picture.

  25. Streetrabbit says:

    Doesn’t work like that. As supreme being you can pick and chose the misery you acquiesse (as I said no dictionary so that’s probably shithouse)

  26. Sexbot Union Rep says:

    We have your Canadian Pecking right here!

    (Please remember to tip your Sexbots, they’re people too.)

  27. Streetrabbit says:

    Can we have Bubbles first, then Ricky… Julian and J-Roc can look after themselves.

    p.s. I’m not a Rabbi so I know nothing of the Jewish faith.

  28. MacStansbury says:

    maybe it’s cause I’m tired, what with a tornado at 4 am this morning, but this story is too hard for me to read

    that, and I’m sick of computers

    so, instead of writing something interesting, I’ll just post a link to the Mega-Post:

    http://www.crazyapplerumors.com/archives/000230.html#000230

    And to the Kilo-Post:

    http://www.crazyapplerumors.com/archives/000359.html#000359

    if you don’t know what the Kilo-Post is, don’t worry about it.

  29. Streetrabbit says:

    I’m sorry I made my last post. Except fot the Rabbi bit.

  30. The Truly Evil Invisible Evil Boy's Choir says:

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  31. MacStansbury says:

    man, that was just beyond necessary. Jerkage.

    that’s like the time the Devil came to town and made a mess of things. the Mayor had to throw him out of town.

    bad the Devil. bad.

  32. GLAARKU says:

    The correct answer is:

    Snicker-Snagging [sp?] or “dangle-spit” is the act of letting out a controllable amount of spittle from your mouth over your victim, or sometimes over a long drop off (cliff or building) or a mall second level, then sucking it back into your mouth before it drops. If it hits them or gets loose in any way, it’s spitting, otherwise if you can get it all back in your mouth you’ve successfully performed the “snicker-snag” or sometimes “snigger-snag”.

  33. John C. Randolph says:

    I am so jealous of Vink that I’m going to defect to Cuba. Oh well, it could be worse: at least I’m not Canadian.

    -jcr

  34. Alpha Geek says:

    “…instructed the lesser geek to give him three log(N) implementations for the same function”

    It’s obvious that you are not an alpha geek or else you would know that algorithms are evaluated in terms of “Big Oh” notation. An algorithm which executes in n units of time for n number of data points would be O(n), a quadratic algorithm executes in O(n^2) time, etc. As for the example cited in your story, a logarithmic algorithm executes in O(log n) time.