Happy Anniversary!


Hard to believe, but it’s been three years to the day that the first Crazy Apple Rumors Site post went up!

Today is our third anniversary!

Yes, three… long… long years.

Three years… gone. Poof. Like that.

I’m sorry, but you know how you always envisioned the future as a kid and everyone was all wearing jet packs and eating Space Food Sticks and your best friend was a robot and you went on cool adventures and there was the drunk engineer who was the comic relief and then some sultry but still kind of girl-next-door babe in a tight leotard who was your girlfriend and stuff?

Well…

This is totally like that!

Oh, man, I don’t know what you’ve heard about the Apple rumor business but it is a non-stop thrill ride of epic proportions! Like, last week, Howard and I broke into Apple in an ultimately vain attempt to get pictures of the new flash-based iPod. Oh, man, it was like Ocean’s 12.

Except there were only two of us.

And he’s a dog.

And, truth be told, we didn’t technically “break into Apple”. We got wrestled to the ground in the parking lot by some rent-a-cops and then had to give them our names and they called my parents who came to pick us up. But still… it was kind of a bad-assed, you know… um… brush with the law.

Well, OK, not technically the law, but these guys could have called the law and then it would have been.

Oh! Here’s a better example. The Entity introduced me to some space aliens the other day. Yep. Just like that. Totally out of the blue. I have no idea what they were doing in the office, despite the fact that I’ve asked him about a zillion times to bring this up before hand because many of them have special dietary and atmospheric needs.

It’s hard to get 3,000 cubic meters of a gaseous ammonium/methane mix on short notice.

But meeting these alien creatures totally didn’t faze me. I just shook one of their many hands and said it was a pleasure to meet them. No big deal. That’s how much I’ve grown as a person over the last three years.

You know… thinking about it now… I hope that was a hand.

There was an uncomfortable silence for a second there. And they did seem to really like me after that. That one was following me around for hours.

The Entity is himself, of course, an extra-terrestrial, but after three years it’s hard to think of him like that anymore. He’s just… the Entity.

You know, like, when you were growing up and there was that one kid in class who had been in a commercial and you thought it would be totally cool to be his friend ’cause he could introduce you to William Shatner and you’d get a part on Star Trek and get to play with all the props and stuff and then you find out that the kid is really just this sort of sad figure that his parents are living through and eventually you blow him off because he’s kind of a downer to be around?

Which, of course, probably didn’t help him any.

Man, why do you always have to be like that? You are so shallow.

Anyway, it’s no biggy being around the Entity anymore.

Except for all the static electricity. I could live without that. I’m on my third PowerBook in about six weeks.

But, all in all, the past three years have been a blast!

Which makes it so painful for me to announce that…

CARS is closing its doors and ceasing publication effective immediately!

Nah, I’m just kidding. As a matter of fact, our empire is growing. If you pick up the January edition of Macworld you’ll find us in the Mac Beat section and in an ongoing presence on the back page handling the “What’s Hot” section.

So, if you don’t count the impending Cyber-Apocalypse and the threat of imminent invasion from Tentaculous, the giant octopus-like creature at the center of the galaxy, things couldn’t be better for the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site!

Thanks for reading!

But enough about us. Let’s talk about you.

I hear your grades have been falling and you’ve been acting sullen and detached. What’s that all about?

64 thoughts on “Happy Anniversary!”

  1. I was told that I could skip being part of the Cyber-Apocalypse because I have a note from my doctor and my sexbot.

  2. Wow, didn’t everyone get caught off-guard by the timing of THIS story!

    No, I don’t mean the timing of the subject in the light of current events. I meant the 11:50 AM time stamp. This story just snuck up on all the “First post!” weenies like a thief in the night.

    Could it be a sign … OF THE CYBER-APOCALYPSE?!

  3. AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_{EVIL_Subliminal_Message>CARS_is_shutting_down_FOREVER!!!)BWAHAHA___AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_

  4. Oh, and Happy Anniversary John, Chet, Masako, Howard, Ugluk, and The Entity! Here’s looking forward to another three.

  5. CARS:

    You do the “What’s Hot” for Macworld? I can’t really tell if you are serious about that or not. That section really sucks. I read it only because it’s there and I can’t get a refund of $0.035 per issue for the wasted space. It’s rarely ever funny. Is that because the Macworld readership is to highbrow for sexbot jokes?

  6. Since no one else has done it yet, I shall…

    First post in which someone utters the phrase “First post!”

    We now return you to your schedule anniversary party, already in progress.

  7. We at Microsoft would like to thank John and the crew for the last three years of CARS. Your continual diligent work to unearth Apple secrets has been invaluable to us in the future direction of the company. I can say, in confidence, that several of our future product directions have been influenced by your fearless report (who needs Think Secret when we have you). Anyway keep up the good work, and let us know some of the specs of the iPhone ASAP please Now back to sorting todays 4 million spam emails (Yes I do need a new mortgage and my manhood could stand to be a little bigger I guess).

  8. iamsupermac, we picked it up starting with the January 2005 issue which is getting delivered to subscribers but probably isn’t on the newstands yet.

    So, prepare to be dazzled!

    Or… not.

    Whatever.

    No skin off my apple.

    But, look at it this way, they pay us which keeps us in high-priced tequila for another four weeks. Yep, high-priced tequila. Couldn’t write the site without it.

    Not that that’s any surprise, probably.

  9. AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_{EVIL_Subliminal_Message>Buy_Windows)AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_AH!_

    Evil Subliminal Message Sponsered by Bill G.

  10. Damn you Moltz, just go away all ready. I will never authorize releasing a single Sexbot while your site is still on the air (and the newest prototypes come fully loaded – if you know what I mean). Those rent-a-cops were supposed to deal with you once and for all, not call your Mommy. Its hard to find good help these days – I will have to come down there and do it myself let me get my deuce deuce and my Latte and I will go dimebag on your ass. Na just kidding, I am having way to much fun with my Sexbot (Did I mention the Bill Gates look alike model we have now – except with much bigger manhood if you know what I mean).

  11. [iamsupermac just remembers that there is an unread January 2005 Macworld in iamsupermac’s computer bag]

    8 out of 10 points John. Much better than it used to be. Seriously.

    [iamsupermac looks for CARS reference in “macbeat” and finds not a reference but a whole ‘nother section by John]

    Oh I see Longhorn is shipping “very soon” as of 2024. I’ll be sure to get in line at [evil big box store] sometime early next decade and snag the first copy.

    Forgot to say it before – Congrats on three years!

  12. Ok that last message was way too disturbing. An embargo on releasing sexbots because of this site! And worse of all, my brain is scarred with that last image of Bill Gates’s … No… its too horrible ..I must wipe image form mind…I MUST wipe image from mind!!!

    Damn you Moltz, why haven’t you fixed that miserable “Forget Personal Information Button”. I really need it now.

  13. I remember when MacAddict used to be cool. Now it’s Macworld.

    funny how three years can change a man. or woman. or dog. raccoon from the sun.

    anyways, thanks for the memories…

  14. Actually, I think MacAddict is now MacUser. They even have the same editor.

    Oh, and, uh, sorry, Del.

    I… um… must have missed that section of the Mega Post.

  15. Thank you đŸ˜›

    I feel vindicated.

    Now, I’m still left out of the Cyber-Apocalypse right? I’ve also got notes from Jesus, Buddha, Mohammed, Zeus, Little Debbie, GLAARKU, & Cthulu. I’m still waiting for the one from Steve. He said it’s in the mail and it is the least he could do after I sent him that wonderful Vegan Lasagna recipe.

  16. i’m glad you’ll be doing the back page now – as iamsupermac said, it’s been pretty bad since they axed andy i.

    anyway, congrats on tres years. and thanks. thanks for the laughter. the tears. the ninjas. the sexbots.

  17. No, Del, see the thing about killer robots is, they don’t *care* what gender you are. It’s all “CRUSH, KILL, DESTROY” with them. I mean, you’re welcome to try to flash your formal written excuses in front of them, but just don’t come crying to me when you get vaporized by the death rays that come shooting out of their eyes.

    And that’s just how the Cyber-Apocalypse *starts*. When the invasive nano-tech virus starts spreading…

    No, really, the only way to hope for survival is to stockpile weapons and build your own army of ninja zombie demon creatures.

    I have some pamphlets on that here somewhere…

  18. I’m still jealous of John Vink. Can I get the evil boys choir to follow him around for a few days?

    -jcr

  19. ah, Huck, so you’re still alive. I think somebody’s either killing the people from comments, or they are getting lives.

    I think we should alert the authorities

  20. Did you know that if you hold your nose and bite into an onion it tastes like an apple? Try it sometime! Anyhoo, what I’m trying to say is that CARS is like the Onion of the Apple world. Thanks for all the lafffs.

    Happy 3

  21. If the Cyber-Apocalypse is approaching, then who would be better to help me share my last moments in this earthly plane than Masako.

    Come on, Masako. You could do worse. And pining for Steve-O while the Cyber-Apocalypse hits will only leave you empty-handed.

    I meant that figuratively, of course.

    How ’bout it, Masako? That work for you?

  22. lets talk about me?

    umm no my grades haven’t been too bad. . have I been that noticeably detached? . . . well I have been slipping further from the normal flow of society due to prolonged use of psychoactive drugs . . and the sullen nature of me is clearly based on my inability to successfully indulge in women for prolonged periods of time (furthering my need for Sexbots).

    but ok your right. . . I should stop being so childish . . . . this isn’t all about me .. . in fact . . this was never about me .. . why did you bring me in to all of this anyways. .. . oh god. . . I feel so violated. . . this is worse then the time when the cameramen from “men gone wild” were just cross dressing gay porno directors . .. damn that liquor. . . . I must refrain from overindulgence! so … . um .. . . I was at this bar and I asked this girl if she wanted to see Tentaculous, the giant octopus-like creature at the center of the galaxy . . . .

  23. Yes, we love you, too!

    Really. We do!

    Incidentally, that would be “Ocean’s 14” (as in: “One… Two… Three… Quatorze…”).

    But make no mistake: we love you anyways.

  24. Dang it. How come nobody told me CARS was starting back when it started three years ago? I finally caught the vision a week ago. That means I have missed 155 weeks of the pure goodness of CARS! *sigh* I must go cry now.

    (Steve J. can I have one of the newest NON-Bill G sexbots? It will make me feel better.)

    Don’t worry CARS as soon as I get it I will ship it off to you! Oh SHHHHHH, don’t tell him I said that.

  25. bored. I’m bored.

    that’s what happens when you’re the DD at the CARS after party. can’t tell people what they did on Friday night until they’ve sobered up and/or posted bail on Sunday.

  26. How long does it take to be part of the group? As of now I am an outsider not getting in and Steve isn’t giving me the sexbot.

  27. Well, three years… good job. I hope Crazy Dell Rumors Site gets to that. I mean, just read this excerpt,

    “Additionally, Dell plans to offer one of their new Insipiron laptops in red! Woo! What a party!”

    Isn’t that crazy? Forget sexbots, I want a red Insipiron laptop!

  28. You know ever since I appeared in the first issue of CARS life’s been…not good.

    I never got to thank you for that did I John?

    Remember when I tried to summon Zues to strike you down with lightning bolts? Or hired Tony the Ant and that whole car chase thing?

    One day you’ll let your guard down. Go out without The Enforcer. One day. I’ll be there. Waiting. Just waiting.

    At least the Heinz Award is keeping me in baked beans. Can you say that Mr Moltz? No didn’t think so.

  29. Hey Woz, whatever Moltz did, let it go man. Surely Moltz’s contribution to the Mac world, (not MacWorld(tm)) should have make up for what ever he has done.

    And if you think enough of CARS to post, why don’t you list CARS on your links page. Come on, some of those sites on your links page are deader than dinosaurs.

    Oh and John, what are you thinking of? 4…4 lousy links. Maybe Woz is right to be upset.

    Come on guys. reach out …put which others sites in your links pages. Can’t we all just be friends?

  30. congrats on the three plus 2– still partying here in NO for y’all

    ps– send three more sexbots and five more cases of lube because this party aint stoppin!

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