13 Dec 04Flash-Based iPod Wicked Cool Looking, Impossible To Use.

While the Mac web is abuzz with rumors of a new flash media-based iPod to be released at Macworld San Francisco, Crazy Apple Rumors Site has confirmed that the new device will set another standard in Apple design while being nearly impossible to use.

According to sources, the flash iPod will be a roughly egg-shaped device featuring just the scroll-wheel portion of the current iPods and, in a space-saving move, will have no screen. The entire device measures just 1 and 1/2 inches by 2 inches.

Earlier today at a top-secret meeting on the Apple campus, a serious debate took place about the flash iPod.

“No, look, it’s easy,” argued iPod Division Senior Vice President Jon Rubinstein. “You just lay it in your palm and turn the scroll wheel while pushing the… pushing the…

“Chris, it won’t stay still. It just keeps… Turn and… Son of a bitch.”

“Um… it’s easier if you put two fingers on the…” offered Chris Green, an iPod hardware engineer.

“Yeah, but every time I try to do that I get a cramp in my thumb,” Rubinstein protested.

Green reached out to assist but Rubinstein pulled the iPod away from him.

“Wait, no, I can do this. I… just… need to push… the… DAMMIT!”

In addition to being monumentally difficult to use manually, the flash iPod, with no screen, is impossible to interpret visually.

“OK, so now it’s playing ‘Holiday’ by Green Day…” Rubinstein said. “How do I get it to play, say, ‘Mayor of Simpleton’ by XTC?”

The gathered engineers shifted uncomfortably in their chairs and exchanged sideways glances.

“Um, yeah, see, we haven’t really figured that part out yet,” Green admitted. “You… could… just keep clicking through the songs…?”

“Well…” Rubinstein said, “It does look totally cool.”

The engineers broke into smiles.

“Cool! Yeah. Looks cool.”

37 Responses to “Flash-Based iPod Wicked Cool Looking, Impossible To Use.”

  1. Sembazuru says:


  2. Dan says:

    2nd. Who cares if you cant use it, its a Mac

  3. Brian says:

    11th post – in base 2

  4. Streetrabbit says:

    Reading the story. Can’t get involved in early post mania.

  5. Psyko says:

    Can I be accepted now that I am an under 10er?

  6. Psyko says:

    CARS, I know you always have spot on accuracy when it comes to your stories, so I hope Apple scraps that idea and puts out the sexbots to keep us happy as they think of a new iPod.

  7. Leibnitz, N. says:

    Isn’t Macworld owned by Microsoft now?

  8. MacStansbury says:

    well, crap. the one time I take time to actually read the story, and I lose the first post.

    stupid reading disorder

  9. UhhhDude says:

    Well, I suppose if you could get the thing to vibrate, it would have some immediate usefulness.

    (Not for me personally. Just looking out for others in the audience….)

  10. Streetrabbit says:

    What’s the problem? Thought control. Easy!!

  11. Spike says:


  12. Psyko says:

    Am I just too uncool or what? I must be like the invisible man, except with posts.

  13. Bellidancer says:

    Psyko… If you are waiting for some one to notice you …tada! Actually you just don’t get it yet. Most of us just like to read what we’ve written, we don’t usually actually read what anyone else writes. Hell, most of the poster don’t bother to even read the articles. (I tried it once. I lost the first post. Never again.)

    I wouldn’t have read your post this time except I already missed posts 1-12.

  14. Streetrabbit says:

    Unfortunately, no one can be told what The Matrix is…you have to see it for yourself.

  15. Psyko says:

    Actually, I am just posting stupid things to help time in my sad life go by faster.

  16. Huck says:

    Join the club!

  17. Bellidancer says:

    That’s the spirit.

  18. Bellidancer says:

    Hey, I finally read the article! I know CARS has only been around for three years, but doesn’t this article sound like its recycled from about 1997? The hockey puck mouse!! That’s what they are actually talking about! Boy there was a product every one thought was cool but totally lame. You either loved it, but hated it or just straight out hated it. And apple insisted its customers were wrong for two years! Of course that sort of pig headed denial of their customers’ opinions/wishes is only is the best tradition of Apple. The replacement for the hockey puck (essential the current mouse), is a triumph of form and fashion over practicality (give me a damned two button mouse with a scroll wheel) and cost (60 bucks for a one button mouse!!!! Insane!)

  19. Bellidancer says:

    See Psyko. This is what the comments are all about. Its 3:oo in the lousy morning. And here I am raving about stupid hockey puck mice.


  20. Garnack says:

    The new flash based iPod is like CARS, pretty but useless.


    Howard, stop biting me.

    I didn’t say anything, OUCH, about your pictures.

    Ouch, Ouch, Ouch!!!

  21. Chris says:

    I like the “Mayor of Simpleton” reference. One of the great pop songs of all time. It would be nice if Apple would offer the “XTC iPod” in addition to the U2 iPod.

  22. Del says:

    Psyko come to the Mega Post. You are just what we are looking for! No story just posts and lots of them. That and vodka popsicles and vodka muffins.

    Join Us!




    Plus if you are looking to waste time you can waste a day just getting caught up. The Mega Post is currently at 1770 posts.

  23. I don’t know how many pounds make up a ton

    Of all the Nobel Prizes that I’ve never won

    And I may be the mayor of Simpleton,

    But I know one thing, and that’s I love you.

  24. That's just nasty says:

    Forget about this flash based technology. What I’m looking for is FLESH based technology.


    Sadly enough the sexbot that I constructed from a life sized Barbara Bush mannequin isn’t holding up.

    Also, does anyone know if I can get Panther to run on my IIe.

    I’ve been using it as the controller for Babs, and there are a couple of things that I can’t get her to do running the old OS.

    I’m thinking that if I upgrade her OS, she might just come around, and be willing to try a little harder.

  25. blank says:

    The sad fact of the matter is that XTC is not available through iTMS. The closest search result is “XTC vs. Adam Ant” by TMBG.

    That’s cool too.

    XTC fans will just have to rip CDs (or vinyl…hey, I’m not going to buy it again just to rip it). Besides, my copy of “English Settlement” is the import version with twice the songs (two LPs) as the original US release (one LP, what was that about?).

  26. Chris says:

    The link to XTC’s nice new website was posted by the Mayor of Simpleton, above. They have a bitchin’ Dukes of Stratosphear sweatshirt available. I ordered one as an Xmas gift. And I agree with blank, it’s sad that there is no XTC on iTunes. Apple and XTC just seem to go together.

  27. Um, Bellidancer… Re: mouse… If you look at the modern-era Apple mice, they really don’t look like they even have a button at all. They’re more like “zero-button mice,” as a lot of other people have observed:


    Yes. Instead of increasing the number of mouse buttons from one to two (plus scroll wheel) like all the Apple “Pro” users wanted, Apple *removed* the one button and gave us zero. Gee, thanks for listening!

    I was happy when I started using the *original* Mac OS X 10.0 and out of the box it already supported my two-button, scroll wheel optical mouse whose manufacturer rhymes with… *ahem*… Schmicrosoft. No driver-loading necessary! (I don’t recall if it worked with Public Beta, or even if I had a two-button mouse then, but that’s moot anyway.) At least Apple doesn’t mind quietly throwing in that little feature.

  28. Once again, I have violated CARS poster policy and posted something containing actual “facts” and “information.” My apologies. At least I got 27th post! “Weird Al” Yankovic fans UNITE!


  29. Bellidancer says:



    Wow JoshMeister. Your violation of posting “policy” put some kind of weird post barrier in place. No one posted for over 5 HOURS!

  30. obligatory post count guy says:

    29 w00t god i kick so much ass

    YYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! no page for yyou

  31. Psyko says:

    You are 30 aren’t you?

  32. Psyko says:

    Yeah, unless you are Bellidancer, you are 30, not 29.

  33. Psyko says:

    BTW, anybody ever been to afrotechmods.com?

  34. Old guy says:

    XTC on vinyl. Very cool. Johnny Thunders live two weeks before he kicks. Even cooler. Dee Dee Ramone offering me a beer backstage. Freezing.

    I win.

  35. Dan,

    Shouldn’t that be 11nd and not 11th? I mean, if it’s base two, when you see 11 don’t you say “two.? So whouldn’t you be saying 11nd, not 11th. I mean. Twoth? That’s like what you say hurts when you visit the cyberdentist, right?

    So get your grammar gooder!

  36. PoisedNoise says:

    Not to be honest that twond is much better…. or is that not what you were suggesting…?

  37. hondophred says:

    to Dan’s math teacher:

    Moot point now but i would think what you were aiming for would be 10nd and 11rd. Me, I’m reaching for the bottom.