Keynote coverage!

I’ve ventured forth from the radiation-shielded areas to where the Internet connection is to provide our coverage of the Macworld keynote, which we know is vitial to the Mac community!

The keynote, of course. Not our coverage.

Steve takes the stage!

101 Apple retail stores around the world. A million visitors a week. Seven of those actually BUY stuff! It’s incredible. An apparently the London store is really nice. I dunno. The facade looks a little gaudy to me. Too Louis XIV.

iMac – the Wall Street Journal reviewer called it the “most elegant computer I’ve ever used.” The Detroit free press said “it’s the most incredible computer.” Swank said some nice things about it but sadly he can’t repeat any of them.

Mac OS X. Tiger. On schedule to ship it in the first half of this year. Let’s talk about Spotlight. NO! Let’s NOT talk about Spotlight! All you need to know is the other applications designed to do what it does SUCK! SUCK, DO YOU HEAR ME! SPOTLIGHT IS YOUR NEW GOD! BOW DOWN BEFORE ITS SEARCH CAPABILITIES! LOVE IT! FEAR IT!

He didn’t really say it like that, but I’m sure that’s what he meant.

You know what I love, I love how every keynote, people applaud eye candy. Ooh, shiny! Me applaud!

I don’t know. Maybe I’m just bitter because I’m stuck here bathed in the high-intensity radiation at the center of our galaxy and they’re all there sitting in their cushy chairs, getting t-shirts and CDs and stuff.


QuickTime. Steve demonstrates the high quality of QuickTime 7 by showing a movie featuring Apple’s elite ninja strike force. That’s is soooo elitist. Just flaunting up on the screen like that for everyone. Oooh, look at me, I’ve got an elite ninja strike force. Oh, you don’t have one? Oh, you simply must get one.


Moving on, Dashboard widgets. Steve has a lot of fun with the widgets. Maybe a little too much fun. It’s kind of weird. Does every widget need a joke? I don’t know. I’m just asking the question.

I don’t remember there being a joke for all the Konfabulator widgets.

Is it me, or is he just punkin’ us?

iChat will now allow up to four video conferencing partners. And if one of them is Danika Cleary… duuuuude

And for the ladies… Phil Schiller. So everyone’s a winner.



I was really kind of hoping it would be the year of rich, creamy butter, but…


High-definition video. That’s nice.

Here comes a major, major, MAJOR upgrade to iLife! For starters, there’s…

Hey, was that Al Gore in the audience?

And was he chewing gum?

What’s up with that? Did he bring enough for everyone?

Steve’s showing new iPhoto books that are available. I… don’t see a raunchy porn format. Hmm. That’s disappointing.

iMovie now edits high-definition video. Because, as you know, this is THE YEAR OF HIGH-DEFINITION VIDEO!

Not rich, creamy butter.


Just think about the buzz they would have if they announced iMovie now came with rich, creamy butter.

But I don’t make those decisions.


Steve introduces the President of Sony, Kunitake Ando who’s talking about how Apple and Sony compete, but are working together on making 2005 THE YEAR OF HIGH-DEFINITION VIDEO!

And, is it just me, or does Ando-san have it goin’ on, much the way Steve does? He even took his own “Oh, one more thing…” Could it be that Sony has developed its own reality distortion field?

Or maybe the radiation is finally taking effect.

Whoop. Yep. Just checked my little monitor. Too many rads.

Steve brings back John Mayer to demonstrate GarageBand 2. Sadly, guys like John Mayer are not going to be coming over to your house to make your cheesy GarageBand songs sound better.

iWork! “Building the replacement to Apple Works.”

Wait, “Building”? Jeez, they don’t have it done yet? How dead does a product have to be before you think, “Darrrr, maybe I should build a replacement.”?

Well, it includes Keynote 2 and Pages, a new word processor demoed by none other than the lovely Phil Schiller. Phil will be performing the demo with several costume changes, and don’t miss his stunning conclusion where he balances twenty china cups on his head while spinning plates on sticks with both hands!

He really is amazing.

OK, here we go! The Mac Mini! Yes! Finally! A cheap Mac that ships without a monitor, keyboard or mouse!

I have no idea why I’m excited about that because I have absolutely no use for one of these. But it’s still kind of cool.

Um, assuming you already have a monitor, keyboard and mouse. And you like them. And they work. And the monitor doesn’t take twenty minutes to warm up now and the keyboard doesn’t have Cheez-It dust gumming up all the keys and the mouse doesn’t jump all over the screen.

Whoa. Apple sold over 4.5 million iPods for the holiday quarter. 500% growth.

I actually don’t have a snarky remark to make about that.

Man, this radiation must be really heavy.

I should probably get back into the lead-lined lounge.

But first, one more thing…

The iPod Shuffle.


It’s a tiny, inexpensive iPod that just randomly plays your songs.

Hmm. I dunno.

I have a lot of crappy songs.


OK, I gotta run as my flesh is starting to peel off of me. Things are going well here, though. We hope to be back soon.


53 thoughts on “Keynote coverage!”

  1. Wow, I can’t believe I got first post on this. Even after reading the whole article.

    (While going to the bathroom.)

    Does everyone else on the MacWeb™ have a post-Keynote hangover or something?

  2. Can anyone help? I’ve got this problem. The neighbour’s cat keeps coming around and taunting my cat because he can’t climb.

    OK, so it’s not really *my* problem.

    But it must be tough being a cat that can’t cllimb, and being teased about it is just plain nasty.

    Oh well.

    I’m in Belgium by the way.

  3. Throw a Mac mini at the cat.

    …I don’t know which cat…

    Maybe you should get two Mac mini’s?

  4. I think a suitable application of Mac mini would work for your cat problem, but I’d avoid throwing it at the cat… either cat. Instead, I’d recommend buying the Mac mini. When you get it home, call Apple and tell them the Mac mini has caused your cat to lose the ability to climb trees.

    After they stop laughing, if you get lucky, they’ll send you a nice cardboard box to ship it back for replacement. When it arrives pack the cat, either one… or both… in the cardboard box from Apple and call the number they provide.

    I’ve solved similar problems using a similar policy at Microsoft a couple times. I’ve never gotten any replacement cats, now that I think about it, but I do have a lot less cats in my neighborhood. I guess it doesn’t matter, they weren’t my cats anyway.

  5. And remember along with the Stella’s you need hookers.

    Booze and hookers, it’s the CARS way!

    (hey john, you should use that as your site slogan, i came up with it, but you can use it).

  6. Hey. With this being the year of High Definition Video and all, will we finally get unscrambled porn on TV.

  7. 12th Post, now brought to you in gorgeous High Definition(TM)!

    And slathered in rich, creamy butter.

  8. yes, kids, we need to get into a debate over the pros and cons of Butter versus High Definition.

    Crazy Apple Rumors Site: As Coherent as a Fever Dream!

  9. The Mac mini “BYODMK”, bring your own damn keyboard and mouse. Steve says the ‘D’ stands for display, but I think he’s having some fun at our expense.

    The year of “High Definition’ creamy, buttery, porn. It’s a new attachment on the sexbots. Hit the right button and you get creamy butter all over you.

    I’ll stop now. That last one was disgusting.

  10. Where is Moltz when you need him?!? Forget saving the galaxy. We need to know if the following is one of the signs of the Cyber Apocalypse?

    About the Mac mini John Dvorak says

    The machine in every other sense is close to perfect. It has the right array

    of inputs and outputs, built-in networking and sound along with a versatile

    video output that should work with almost any monitor you already own.

    Once this unit gets into the field and passes the tests of the real world,

    I’ll have no trouble recommending it as a machine of choice, especially to

    new users. And I haven’t done that with an Apple product for years.

  11. Tiger will be mine.

    After I keep waiting more.

    But I want it now.

    Oh, I also want an ATI X800 and 4 GB of RAM for my G5. I hope somebody is listening.

    I want Tiger.

  12. I forgot.

    Note To Our Leader John: (Well sorta, our leader I mean.)

    Don’t put the crappy songs on the iPod. Problem solved.

  13. Mac mini, hmmm…

    Just imagine a beowulf cluster of those!

    Wait a minute, that’s a slashdot post. Where am I? Which nick am I posting under?

    I’m confused.

  14. MacStansbury, I’ll kick off the debate.

    First we need to understand the differences:

    Rich creamy Butter High Def

    Tasty Lickable

    Fatting Phat

    Comes from Breasts Will show breasts in fine detail

    Cheap Extremely Expensive

    So as you can see it comes down to money. If you have money, go with High Def, if not, go with butter. Also you can soften the butter and smear it all over your body and… I’d better not go there.

  15. Arrrggh. Here is the table again.

    Rich creamy Butter______High Def



    Comes from Breasts_____Will show breasts in fine detail

    Cheap__________________Extremely Expensive

  16. Bellidancer when you ordered that table did you save the box? It seems Streetrabbit needs a new one.

  17. So. were the diagrams for the flash-based iPod that you had in your pants correct? Or were you just happy to see me?







  19. Please send me iPod Shuffles so I have something to trade in jail, and I can avoid getting boned on a regular basis.

  20. I heard that while the iPod Shuffles are made in Asia, that they are only being imported into Buffalo, N.Y…………..(sounds of crickets chirping)………….. Come on people….. get it iPod shuffle off to Buffalo.

    Well, at least the hookers I got from the nursing home for aging vaudevillians home got it.

  21. Del, What is going on with the Register??!! Those are some freaky stories. Of course I usually don’t read their “Odds & Sods” stories.


    Drink lots of Stella Artois and your box problems will disappear.

    Pysko, your comment about only putting good songs on your iPod ignores the fact that 75% of iPod owners have, in fact, no or poor tast in music. (This however, much better than non-iPod MP3 player owners, 99.999% flat out bad taste.)

    For example, I have everything from disco to polkas to Peruvian Nose Flute concertos. Haven’t you ever purchased a song just to see if it was as bad as you remembered? Or purchased a song just to bug a significant other? I know when I want some privacy, my Tibetian Monk grunts will clear the room. And my diabetic friends really appreciate “Sugar, Sugar” and “Lolipop, Lolipop.”

    Hell, I just realized why I don’t listen much to my music.

  22. I think the Odds & Sods part is my favorite part of The Register.

    I usually listen to my music when I’m at work. I have it blasting on the speakers after hours and through the headphones when I have to be considerate to others.

  23. “”Bow down before it is search capabilities?” That just doesn’t make sense.”

    No that does not, but that isn’t what he said. John said, “BOW DOWN BEFORE ITS SEARCH CAPABILITIES!” Which does make sense. “Its” is possessive. “It’s” is short for “it is” (what you put) and is not possessive.

  24. Hey, I didn’t say he had crappy songs, Bellidancer. He did. Check it out, “I have a lot of crappy songs.” Evidently he didn’t get it because he liked. Or he just didn’t get it.

  25. Psychologically. Physically lots of Stella will make me podgy and increase my box problems.

  26. What I said was maybe he didn’t have ANY “good” songs. Unless John posts a list of some of his songs, we’re just guessing. Actually, if he did post a list, we would probably be arguing.




  28. Is this because I’m a lesbian?

    (Oops! Sorry. Thought I was on the TWoP “Law & Order” board.)

  29. UhhhDude, are you she or he? I am trying to make a note of everybody’s gender so I can correctly address you later.

  30. I ask this question because I don’t really trust your last post to be accurate. Not because I am an idiot.

  31. Oh shoot, I just remembered that I said I was an idiot. So I am an idiot, but not one that doesn’t know what a lesbian is.

Comments are closed.