Do Not Ask For Whom The Bells Toll, They Do Not Toll For Thee.

OK, I just couldn’t stay on the sidelines about this one. I had to rush out here, skin bleeding and all, and weigh in on this subject.

There’s been a lot of talk about Dvorak’s recent praise of the Mac Mini being the final sign of the coming Cyber-Apocalypse. Indeed, some have even gone so far as to speculate such without properly crediting Crazy Apple Rumors, the site that first brought the Cyber-Apocalypse to the attention of the Mac community.

Let me state this as unequivocably as I can:

I like big butts.

Um, wait. That’s true, but that’s not what I meant to say. I meant to save that for later for an exposé on the turn-ons and turn-offs of the CARS staff.

What I meant to say is that Dvorak long ago relinquished his ability to act as harbinger to the Cyber-Apocalypse.

Think about it.

Big butts. They just make sense.




Back on track now.

The guy relentlessly bashes Apple beyond all reason for years. It was just too obvious that he’d have the opposite of a Sister Souljah moment.

“Luke, I am your father!”

“You’re not my father!”

Dooj! Wrreaaaaaaarrrrrrnnnnn! Fzzzzt! Skzzzzzzzzzt!

“Luke, you’ve got to save yourself!”

“No! I’ve got to save you!”

“You already have! Tell your sister! You were right! You were riiiiiiiight!

That kind of thing. Except in the form of an almost tepid endorsement of the Mac Mini.

So don’t get all bent out of shape.

Remember, we’re the site to come to for all your Cyber-Apocalypse needs. We’ll tell you when the Cyber-Apocalypse is coming.

Um, plus you’ll notice that it’s raining blood and there will be robots everywhere trying to kill all humanity.

That should be a dead giveaway.

76 thoughts on “Do Not Ask For Whom The Bells Toll, They Do Not Toll For Thee.”

  1. First comment, and I read the whole dang thing, first! So… um… when _is_ the Cyber-Apocalypse coming?

  2. Big butts? John, that is SO wrong.

    I think the butt is like the Northwest spotted owl. By itself, it’s OK: interesting, serves an important purpose, pretty (particularly when covered in feathers), etc. But its importance comes primarily when it is seen as a symbolic indicator of its host system’s overall health. As goes the butt, so goes its environment.

  3. Wow, and I thought they were just good for more cushion for the pushin’….

    Dropped right into the gutter on that one…

  4. I like big butts and I won’t deny

    You other brothers can’t deny

    When you see a little bitty girl

    With an itty bitty waist

    It makes this brother just to cry.

    I should’ve paid more attention in college. I was all like “whoot, there it is!” and she was all like “all I wanna do is zoom my zoom zoom zoom in the boom boom” and I was all like “homie don’t play that!”

    is it me or has this whole Cyber-Apocolips got the old internal clock off? and again, McGruder is nowhere to be found.

  5. Big Butts – The occupational hazzard for those of us who spend way too much time in front of a computer screen.

  6. Well it’s like the saying goes…….you can never be too poor, or too fat.

    I’ve got the first one one down pat from buying to many Apple products, now if I can just get enough money to put on some weight.

  7. Dvorak has a big butt. Are you trying to telling us something here John…?

    …not that there’s anything wrong with that.

    I mean….


  8. Umm, you guys are getting kind of off track with this whole butt thing. The real problem here is that Apple didn’t release Tiger and I am going insane.

  9. Off topic, but I must ask the cognoscenti.

    I have read many references to a “reality distortion field” the last couple of days. My question is: at those times when life is surreal, how does this field affect it? Does it bend life back toward normalcy?

    And what of the “dreareality” mentioned in a lecture by Professor Irwin Corey? What happens to dreareality in the presence of the field?

    And do big butts produce a “reareality”?

    I hope I never find out.

  10. Just remember Psyko that Tigers are very elusive.

    Of course Apple is gonna have trouble catching said tiger, putting it in a box, then shipping it to their warehouse…..etc…….then finally to you at home.

    I mean look what happened to Siegfried and Roy, and they had years of experience.

    Good ole Stevie boy might just have to start breaking into the S&R compound just to meet up with the demand for Tigers.

  11. Will the robots have big butts?

    These are the important questions we need answered, Moltz, if that *is* your real name!

    Talk, monkey, talk!

  12. More importantly, will there be lesbian ninjas doing the “robot” dance at the next vodka filled hot tub party for the release of Tiger?

  13. Psyko…Psyko…Psyko

    All good things come to those who wait.

    Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word happy would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. It is far better to take things as they come along with patience and equanimity. -Carl Jung

    Everything comes gradually and at its appointed hour. – Ovid

    Everything has its wonders, even darkness and silence, and I learn, whatever state I may be in, therein to be content. – Helen Keller

    Genius is eternal patience. – Michelangelo

    Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. – Saint Francis De Sales

    He that can have patience can have what he will. – Benjamin Franklin

    Oh, and you might have left an extra word in your last post. (going)

  14. OMFG!!!!! It states CLEARLY on the iPod shuffle page in warning #2 “Do not eat iPod shuffle.”!!!

    And what about:

    “Dooj! Wrreaaaaaaarrrrrrnnnnn! Fzzzzt! Skzzzzzzzzzt!”

    I would like to comment on that. (I think I just did, HUZZAH!!!!)

  15. Bellidancer. I see the word going right where it should be. Please enlighten me with what you mean though. I will patiently wait for you seem to be terribly smart compared to me. I wouldn’t ever be able to get than many useful quotes together.

    GLAARKU, that has been noted upon in the MP.

    About the vodka hot tub. Who is going to rebuild the hot tub and get more vodka. That last one blew up. I think a sexbot got in and shorted out. Good thing nobody else was in there at the same time.

  16. Well, it’s important to understand that Dvorak has been trying to get his big butt more mainstream, press-wise, if you get my drift. Dissing the big ol’ iPod bros probably didn’t make a lot of sense to the management at CBS MarketWatch, who like the major mojo that Apple brings to the pathetic tech sector. But maybe I’m cynical, because I don’t have a big butt and Moltz will reject me (again)…








  18. People. Listen up. The Cyber Apocalypse is not imminent. The Cyber Apocalypse will never happen!!!

    If there was ever going to be an apocalypse it was going to be nuclear back in the 70’s and 80’s between the super powers.

    But thankfully Mother Russia realised that a tit for tat exchange of nuclear weapons would be fruitless and decided to roll over for the good of mankind. Praise Mother Russia.

  19. Streetrabbit,

    The Cyber Apocalypse is not imminent because the battle is already over and we lost. And we lost with a whimper, not a bang. The apocalypse was so subtle and transparent that most people didn’t realize a battle was on. But consider…

    The privacy battle is lost – everyone of us is in countless DBs detailing the most inimate details of our lives.

    The financial battle is lost – the big financial networks and DB OWN us. Few people own anything tangible, don’t tell me you own your own home or car. They’re probably really owned by a bank…and not a local bank…but some faceless cyberbank you can only reach by phone or online. A mere blip of a computer could ruin you.

    The information battle is lost – sure there is more information available, but that is the problem. There is too much … and it is of questionable accuracy, relevance, or origin. Any yahoo can put any information they wish on line. Flat out lies, exaggerations, and spin flood the web (Editor note: This is not necessarily a bad thing. Witness CARS)

    The global dominance battle is lost – Every developed society is shrinking due to low birth rate. At current birthrates Europe will have more people over seventy than under twenty in a few years. Even China and India are seeing birthrates decline as a result of improving standards of living. Technology is KILLING OFF mankind with kindness…er…soft living. More machines = less reproduction. Think about it! Our obsession with sexbots is a case in point. More sex with robots = less sex with real people = fewer children.

    Yes people the war is lost!!! Those stories of exploding machines are just to distract us. Just lie back and enjoy the loss.

  20. EXACTLY!!!!!

    We’ve lost, and we don’t care cuz we still have our plasma TVs, iPods, 500 channels, sexbots, etc, etc, etc.

  21. Hey, I don’t find that fair Bellidancer. I don’t have ANY of what you named. Not even the etc, etc, etcs.

    If you want to try and reverse the cycle though, I will help. Starting now.

    *Psyko pulls out a rocket launcher and places a crater where 8 sexbots were previously standing.*

    *Psyko then proceeds to fire rockets off in various directions in the Mega Post to try and bring down this amazing creation made from technology and humans that decided to interact with technology rather than going outside and meeting new people.”

    *Psyko then demands that everybody pile up EVERYTHING around them like fillings, clothes, hot tubs, vodka, cardboard, PB houses and so on*

    *Psyko then puts the rocket launcher on top of the pile and throws a grenade at it.*

    (I think that means the badminton game is over Del.)

  22. “blip” – computer

    “Oh crap!” – me

    Note to sexbot developers: make them WATERPROOF!!! Death by electrocution from a hot tub + sexbot incident would be HIGHLY embarrassing and rather painful, but moreso embarrassing.

  23. New for 2005!!!


    oh wait, hmmm? NO!


    LOST PRIST!!! B@BY!!!

  24. What is iste? Because iste doesn’t seem to be making any sense to me, and no sense has GOT to be less than it usually would be.

  25. Don’t worry, there isn’t going to be a Cyber-Apocalypse. At least I don’t think there will be one. Well, there could be one. Heck, I have no idea at all. I guess we had better prepare.

  26. Wait a minute Huck…CARS is in Hiatus. There is no topic!!!! We CARS lunatics can ramble in any direction we chose. And unlike the Mega-post the conversation isn’t dominated by cheese or dwarf lesbian ninjas or sexbots. Also, here people don’t usually break out in haiku.

    When John and his staff are off (I mean when they are on vacation… er… I mean whan they are off battling a galactic horror) its like when the cat’s away the mice can play.

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