02 Feb 05Inside Apple.


A stunning Inside Apple has been funneled to us by a source cleaning the air ducts in a conference room at Apple. CEO Steve Jobs has a difficult conversation with the members of the executive staff. Let’s listen in on this edition of… Inside Apple.

Brought to you by the fine folks at Proctor & Gamble. Worshipping Satan since 1872.


JOBS: Look, I’ve called you all here for a very important reason.

SERLET: Is this about whoever’s not flushing in the men’s executive washroom?

JOBS: Um, no, we’re discussing that at three. No, this is more of a managerial…

SERLET: OK, well, I have a conflict at three but I have some important information about the washroom problem.

JOBS: Bertrand, can we stay on topic here?

SERLET: Sure. Sure. Sorry.

JOBS: OK. What I want to talk to you about is…

SERLET: Can I just say that the guilty party wears penny loafers?

JOBS: I see. Well… I’m sure that information will be useful.

SERLET: I just wanted to let everyone know.

JOBS: Th-thanks, Bertrand.

SERLET: And it’s not me.

[All turn and look at Serlet.]

SERLET: It’s not. I’m just concerned that… you know… I won’t be at the meeting and… I don’t want there to be any anti-French hysteria.

JOBS: We would never do that.

SERLET: Ha! Right. It’s always “Blame the French!” Oh, they’re dirty!

JOBS: Bertrand…

SERLET: I don’t even go to the bathroom here. I wait until I get home.

JOBS: Bertrand!

SERLET: Um, sorry. Please continue.

JOBS: Thank you. Look, this isn’t going to be a comfortable topic for all of us, but we need to discuss… who will take over the reins of this company when I step down.

[Stunned silence.]

JOBS: After all, I won’t always be here.

[Uncomfortable shuffling]

RUBINSTEIN: W-what?!

TEVANIAN: Uh, boy.

COOK: Here we go.

JOBS: Well, Jon…

RUBINSTEIN: You swore you’d never leave us! I don’t think there’s a person in this room who doesn’t remember when you said you’d always be “right here” and then you touched each of our chests with your glowing finger!

JOBS: Um… huh?

SCHILLER: I think he’s thinking of E.T.

RUBINSTEIN: You said we’d be happy and live forever and there’d be candy canes and lemon drops and Aslan would come and we’d all go to the great rock candy mountain!

[Jobs looks at Schiller.]

SCHILLER: Uh… Aslan’s from The Chronicles of Narnia and… I don’t know. He’s kind of all over the place.

JOBS: Look, Jon, I may have said something about stock options but I don’t think I said any of those things.

RUBINSTEIN: Well, you’re stupid! You’re a big stupid head! WHAAAAAAAHHHH!!!

[Rubinstein runs from the room, sobbing and leaving an uncomfortable silence.]

JOBS: Uh…

COOK: Whew.

SERLET: Did anyone notice if he was wearing penny loafers?

SCHILLER: I think he’s been upset ever since they killed D’Argo in Farscape.

TAMADDON: That was in October.

[All turn and look at Tamaddon.]

TAMADDON: My… TiVo accidentally taped it. I don’t watch that crap. Pff. Bunch of… crap.

JOBS: Any-hoo, we need to think about who has the skills to become CEO when I retire. I’ll open up the floor to suggestions.

COOK: Uh, Steve, maybe I’m stating the obvious here but who’d want that job?

JOBS: Well, it does require a lot of time and it can be stressful, but I think it’s very rewarding being able to set the course of one of the most influential technology companies in the world.

COOK: Uh, yeah, that’s great and all and I’m glad you’re “self-actualized” or whatever, but… don’t you make, like, a dollar a year?

[Silence. Again.]

COOK: I make way more than that already! So… no thanks!

[Continued silence.]

JOBS: Oookay. Would anyone like to suggest someone? Someone here at Apple or elsewhere in the industry?

[All new silence.]

SCHILLER: Well… may I be allowed to quote from SCHILLER! – The Fanzine For Phil Schillerphiles?

JOBS: Mmmmmmmmmmm, no.

SCHILLER: Shoot.

JOBS: No, this is not a time for self-promotion.

[Tevanian hastily covers up several glossy photos of himself and a pamphlet titled “AVIE! – A Self-Promotional Pamphlet by Avie Tevanian”.]

HEINEN: Well… I’m just thinking outside the box, but what about Ugluk?

JOBS: That… Neanderthal guy?

HEINEN: That’s so speciest.

JOBS: I’m… I’m sorry. That… guy with the humongous brow ridge?

HEINEN: That’s the guy.

SCHILLER: Kind of furry, too.

JOBS: What makes you think he’d be good for the job?

HEINEN: Oh. You wanted someone good. OK, not him then. I just thought it’d be funny. Hee-hee. Neanderthal.

JOBS: Right. Anyone else?

[One final round of silence. I promise.]

JOBS: So… I’m stuck here is what you’re saying.

SCHILLER: Oh, no, no, no. Well… yes.

JOBS: Ah. I see. OK, then. Meeting adjourned. Good… discussion… everyone. Th-thanks.

SERLET: Steve… always remember….

JOBS: Hmm?

SERLET: Penny loafers. The guy had penny loafers on.

JOBS: …

35 Responses to “Inside Apple.”

  1. 2000guitars says:

    FROST PIST !!!!

  2. Anonymous says:

    Worst post.

  3. 2000guitars says:

    Now that I’ve achieved the hallowed ranks of the frost pisted ones, I will read the story…

  4. 2000guitars says:

    AND, since tomorrow’s my birthday I will take it as an early birthday present…

    **injures shoulder patting himself on the back**

  5. mikey says:

    fiveth

  6. Anonymous says:

    Six is Sexy.

  7. JYF says:

    SEGUNDO

    Self-persuasion.

  8. Carl says:

    Man, I gotta get a subscription to Schiller!

    But, I don’t see any need to rag on Avie– I mean, the man created the Mach microkernel with just toothpick, two transistors, and a powerful computer! And, he barely even used the toothpick or the transistors!!

  9. Jay says:

    Hey Jack, I’ve got a lawyer on the phone, says he works for Doctor & Gimble or somebody, shall I put him through?

  10. Streetrabbit says:

    Is Jobs leaving because he’s the non flusher?

    Will Rubinstein ever come out of the wardrobe?

    Is Serlet suffering from paruresis?

    Who’ll be first to centrefold in Playgirl, Schiller or Tevanian?

    And will Heinen find true love with Ugluk?

    These questions and more answered on the next Inside Apple.

  11. Huck says:

    Shit eleven I hope!

  12. Huck says:

    I watched Farscape and loved it. What of it?

  13. androgen says:

    Duran Duran is on Carson Daily right now. They are worse than they were 15 years ago. How did Rod Stewart become their lead singer?

  14. Bellidancer says:

    Well, I for one am glad the question of Jobs leaving the company has been settled. It remains to be seen if Jobs’ RDF can halt aging. Personal I think if Jobs decides to live forever he probably will, but practically as long as he out lives me and keeps building computers I’ll be satisfied.

  15. Brother Mugga says:

    Isn’t it rather obvious that, by the time Stevie-babes finally squeezes his head through that great mock-turtleneck in the sky, the company will be in the safe hands of the G8 PowerBud.

    Your anodised aluminium pal who’s fun to be with.

    And will, under no circumstances, initiate a nuclear holocaust.

    Or try to impregnate anyone via the means of a bizarre and faintly amusing hallucino-scene, complete with that warpy, smeary camera effect much beloved of doped-up ’70s directors.

  16. Brother Mugga says:

    PS: Maybe Le Bon is, in fact, one of Roddy’s numerous love-children? I think we should be told.

  17. Dan says:

    Jobs will never die.

    He will just steal the technology from the sexbots and become a cyborg.

  18. Corrector The Bold says:

    Reins, anyone? Taking over the reigns, very funny.

  19. jimmy says:

    I think that after 30 years in existence, it’s time for Apple to have its first lesbian CEO. Who is with me on this?

  20. Brother Mugga says:

    I’m right behind you, holding the steady-cam.

  21. UhhhDude says:

    I wear Penney’s loafers…

  22. greenacres says:

    Look UhhhhDude, TMI, if we wanted to know you wear female loafers, we would have asked. And we don’t want to know that it looked really nice with the chiffon dress you had on. Although, really, that would clash, you know. Try the checkered one next time. Not…that…I…would…know…about…such…things…

  23. pmsg says:

    Phil would never do Playgirl…

    That would cut into the sales of the Shiller! swimsuit edition.

    I keep last year’s edition under my pillow.

    I mean… doesn’t everyone…?

  24. Bellidancer says:

    John’s Moltz, I love this site and your sense of humor, but you may have been dethroned. The new master of subtle, ironic, and/or sarcastic humor maybe Jorge Lopez, MCSE, who writes for the Technology Insider. His article on the Mac Mini is a masterpiece of subtle humor…either that or the guy is a total PC butthead.

    I can’t decide which.

    Here is an example from his conclusion:

    So is the mini a maxi value?  For me, clearly, no.  When I consider that a good deal of my time is spent running applications like Disk Defragmenter, Scandisk, Norton AV, Windows Update and Ad-Aware–none of which are available for the Mac platform–it doesn’t make sense for me to “switch” to a Mac at this time. 

    That is either brilliant or insanely stupid. I really don’t know which.

    If you want to read the rest of the article here is the link:

    http://www.divisiontwo.com/articles/MacMini2.html

  25. greenacres says:

    I can’t figure that one out either, but he does confuse the Shuffle with the Mini in terms of weight and size, so….

  26. Bellidancer says:

    Actually division two is a satire site, but the article is done so straight and matter of fact. It has such outrageous mistakes like the Shuffle/Mini mix-up, but most of the time its just the stupid preconceptions PC users have about Macs. Amazing article.

  27. Thanks Bellidancer. I read the divsion two article and got all worked up and was wondering was this guy ingorant, malicious or just windows centric. It never occurred to me that it was satire. I guess that just comes from having my low expectations for Windows users continually met!

    At least you saved me from writing an embarrassing article to Jorge.

  28. Dougward says:

    Minor complaint, but it’s now “neandertal”, not “neanderthal”. Yeah… They changed it. Bloody scientists.

  29. Del says:

    Bellidancer, that article made me roflmao. I especially liked

    The OS X comes with some system maintenance utilities, but essentials such as a defragmenter or a or registry cleaner are notably absent.  I would expect a Mini to get really slow and unstable within a couple months if you can’t perform any routine maintenance tasks on it.

  30. Bellidancer says:

    The first real clue I had the article was a joke was when he compared the buying a Mac Mini for $499 or “an equally stylish, full-featured eMachine at the gas station with a bag of chips for less than half the Mini’s price”

    Priceless!

    Every complaint the guy had was actually a subtle dig at Windows.

  31. Brother Mugga says:

    Hah. I read the article this morning and thought about flagging it up, most particularly for the ensuing comments, which were almost as funny as the article itself; so much for Mac-heads being all subtle and klever, eh? The article conforms to the golden rule of high-grade satire; so straight and close to the bone that half your audience are uncertain as to whether it’s truth or jest.

    Unlike mega-craniums such as our good selves, who clearly chuckled knowingly and sighed the sigh of esoterically sated.

    Which is surely one of the more esoteric words around.

    See what I did there?

    My but I’m a card.

  32. Mearf says:

    Mega-cranium

    Crow Magnum

    Meander doll

    Pilt down man

    Built up woman

    I found the missing lynx…mearf!

  33. UhhhDude says:

    Oops! I forgot to flush.

  34. Psyko says:

    I would just like you all to know that I would like to become CEO of Apple when Jobs is gone. Heaven forbid he ever is.

  35. Nato says:

    D’Argo’s not dead!

    We didn’t see a body. He’s totally not dead.