A stunning Inside Apple has been funneled to us by a source cleaning the air ducts in a conference room at Apple. CEO Steve Jobs has a difficult conversation with the members of the executive staff. Let’s listen in on this edition of… Inside Apple.
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JOBS: Look, I’ve called you all here for a very important reason.
SERLET: Is this about whoever’s not flushing in the men’s executive washroom?
JOBS: Um, no, we’re discussing that at three. No, this is more of a managerial…
SERLET: OK, well, I have a conflict at three but I have some important information about the washroom problem.
JOBS: Bertrand, can we stay on topic here?
SERLET: Sure. Sure. Sorry.
JOBS: OK. What I want to talk to you about is…
SERLET: Can I just say that the guilty party wears penny loafers?
JOBS: I see. Well… I’m sure that information will be useful.
SERLET: I just wanted to let everyone know.
JOBS: Th-thanks, Bertrand.
SERLET: And it’s not me.
[All turn and look at Serlet.]
SERLET: It’s not. I’m just concerned that… you know… I won’t be at the meeting and… I don’t want there to be any anti-French hysteria.
JOBS: We would never do that.
SERLET: Ha! Right. It’s always “Blame the French!” Oh, they’re dirty!
SERLET: I don’t even go to the bathroom here. I wait until I get home.
SERLET: Um, sorry. Please continue.
JOBS: Thank you. Look, this isn’t going to be a comfortable topic for all of us, but we need to discuss… who will take over the reins of this company when I step down.
JOBS: After all, I won’t always be here.
TEVANIAN: Uh, boy.
COOK: Here we go.
JOBS: Well, Jon…
RUBINSTEIN: You swore you’d never leave us! I don’t think there’s a person in this room who doesn’t remember when you said you’d always be “right here” and then you touched each of our chests with your glowing finger!
JOBS: Um… huh?
SCHILLER: I think he’s thinking of E.T.
RUBINSTEIN: You said we’d be happy and live forever and there’d be candy canes and lemon drops and Aslan would come and we’d all go to the great rock candy mountain!
[Jobs looks at Schiller.]
SCHILLER: Uh… Aslan’s from The Chronicles of Narnia and… I don’t know. He’s kind of all over the place.
JOBS: Look, Jon, I may have said something about stock options but I don’t think I said any of those things.
RUBINSTEIN: Well, you’re stupid! You’re a big stupid head! WHAAAAAAAHHHH!!!
[Rubinstein runs from the room, sobbing and leaving an uncomfortable silence.]
SERLET: Did anyone notice if he was wearing penny loafers?
SCHILLER: I think he’s been upset ever since they killed D’Argo in Farscape.
TAMADDON: That was in October.
[All turn and look at Tamaddon.]
TAMADDON: My… TiVo accidentally taped it. I don’t watch that crap. Pff. Bunch of… crap.
JOBS: Any-hoo, we need to think about who has the skills to become CEO when I retire. I’ll open up the floor to suggestions.
COOK: Uh, Steve, maybe I’m stating the obvious here but who’d want that job?
JOBS: Well, it does require a lot of time and it can be stressful, but I think it’s very rewarding being able to set the course of one of the most influential technology companies in the world.
COOK: Uh, yeah, that’s great and all and I’m glad you’re “self-actualized” or whatever, but… don’t you make, like, a dollar a year?
COOK: I make way more than that already! So… no thanks!
JOBS: Oookay. Would anyone like to suggest someone? Someone here at Apple or elsewhere in the industry?
[All new silence.]
SCHILLER: Well… may I be allowed to quote from SCHILLER! – The Fanzine For Phil Schillerphiles?
JOBS: Mmmmmmmmmmm, no.
JOBS: No, this is not a time for self-promotion.
[Tevanian hastily covers up several glossy photos of himself and a pamphlet titled “AVIE! – A Self-Promotional Pamphlet by Avie Tevanian”.]
HEINEN: Well… I’m just thinking outside the box, but what about Ugluk?
JOBS: That… Neanderthal guy?
HEINEN: That’s so speciest.
JOBS: I’m… I’m sorry. That… guy with the humongous brow ridge?
HEINEN: That’s the guy.
SCHILLER: Kind of furry, too.
JOBS: What makes you think he’d be good for the job?
HEINEN: Oh. You wanted someone good. OK, not him then. I just thought it’d be funny. Hee-hee. Neanderthal.
JOBS: Right. Anyone else?
[One final round of silence. I promise.]
JOBS: So… I’m stuck here is what you’re saying.
SCHILLER: Oh, no, no, no. Well… yes.
JOBS: Ah. I see. OK, then. Meeting adjourned. Good… discussion… everyone. Th-thanks.
SERLET: Steve… always remember….
SERLET: Penny loafers. The guy had penny loafers on.