11 May 05The Mac Tablet is Coming! The Mac Tablet is Coming!


The Macintosh community is abuzz with the recent discovery that Apple has been granted a patent for a tablet device, roughly the size of a sheet of paper and featuring a touch screen.

While little is known of the tantalizing device on the record, Crazy Apple Rumors Site sources have confirmed that the device:

  • Runs Mac OS X Lite, which sources say is like Linux but “less user-friendly.”
  • Is fun for a girl and a boy.
  • Will redraw the screen if you hold it upside and shake it.
  • Will prompt the retirement of several fundamentalist rumor site editors who view it as signalling a biblical “end of Apple rumor days.”
  • May also be used as a conversation-starting cheese plate. “Ooh! Is that the new Apple Tablet?!” “Yes! Edam?” “Don’t mind if I do!” Etc.
  • Will not use Inkwell, but will instead use iWrite, an entirely new technology Apple came up with a month ago that will probably last just about as long. This is Apple, you know. That’s what they do, baby. You know that.
  • Comes in a very flat box.
  • For some reason has Newton users very angry.
  • May cause fingertip chafing.
  • Is just a big stupid iPod that runs applications and stuff. It’s stupid. And dumb. And, besides, Microsoft is coming out with the same thing in like four years and it’s going to be way better so I’m going to wait for that. Because I had a Mac once and it was really slow. And stupid.

Calls to Apple for comment were not returned.

But that’s not surprising, as we were calling out the window of a red 1969 Ford Mustang as it sped down de Anza Boulevard at about 90 MPH.

And we were whipping quarters at people.

And there were hookers in the car.

And, yeah, OK, there had been some drinking.

37 Responses to “The Mac Tablet is Coming! The Mac Tablet is Coming!”

  1. Feiler says:

    Firstestest

  2. Daddy Bartholomew says:

    DAMN you, Feller!

    Second!

  3. dan says:

    woohoo!

    Third!

  4. Jon says:

    Whoa, is that fourth?!

  5. Biff says:

    Would have been first, but I was picking up the quarters. Woo hoo, I’m rich!!!

  6. Jon says:

    This one really isn’t fifth, so everyone please ignore it. This is actually the eighteenth post, but it was misplaced. Sorry for the inconvenience.

  7. PoisedNoise says:

    So misplaced that it ended up sixth, eh?

    Seventh.

  8. UhhhDude says:

    eighthghththth. Where’s my tablet? Been waiting since ’97.

  9. 2000guitars says:

    sounds like it’s “a quarter to four”

  10. Streetrabbit says:

    If you read deeply enough into the patent documents you’ll find this;

    “Dosage: One tablet to be taken three times daily after food.

    Not to be taken with any other medication or used as a cheese plate.

    If symptoms persist please consult your doctor.”

  11. Streetrabbit says:

    I can’t stand it any longer!

    11th

    “Prolonged use may cause diarrhoea and vomiting.”

  12. Senator K says:

    Was it really necessary to mention hookers in the story? I mean, cum on, there’s jr. high kids reading this site. Let’s keep this sh*t clean, homies.

  13. The Sponge says:

    This article needs more cowbell.

  14. Pablo says:

    13rd… is that bad?

    I mean, like walking under a ladder? Or seeing a black cat? Or reading an Apple rumor site at 4am? Or

    Not that I am supersticious… it’b bad luck you know.

  15. Huck says:

    14st.

    I also have Newton users very angry. No, I don’t think they really need a reason.

  16. The Invisible Evil Boys' Choir says:

    PATENT! PATENT! PATENT! PATENT! PATENT! PATENT! PATENT!

    PATENT! PATENT! PATENT! PATENT! PATENT! PATENT! PATENT!

    PATENT! PATENT! PATENT! PATENT! PATENT! PATENT! PATENT!

    PATENT! PATENT! PATENT! PATENT! PATENT! PATENT! PATENT!

    PATENT! PATENT! PATENT! PATENT! PATENT! PATENT! PATENT!

  17. leftshoe says:

    wow, you guys read apple rumour sites at 4am? due to timezone differences(I live in Australia, you know the place where kangaroos live and no one carries guns?), I get to read them just as they comeout at a leasurely 5pm.

    I like the last point, it reminds me of so many forum posts I’ve seen before.

  18. Lorem Ipsum says:

    ust to say that I don’t think they are ever going to ship that thing. I make a bet with whoever dares contradict my intuition.

  19. Lorem Ipsum says:

    I thought so, no one dares.

    But I know for sure that they are going to produce a thingie that has a green light on the back and works outdoors too.

  20. Del says:

    Woah John that was you in the Mustang? That thing was cherry! I was the one in the Mini yelling questions to Apple and throwing pennies… and rocks. (What can I say I’m not nearly as rich as a famous editorialist).

    Though unfortunately the car is to small to put the hookers in once we loaded it with rocks and pennies so I don’t think we had nearly as much fun. Though we were _very_ drunk.

  21. John C. Randolph says:

    Gee, if I’d known it was you guys, I wouldn’t have called the cops..

    -jcr

  22. John C. Randolph says:

    Gee, if I’d known it was you guys, I wouldn’t have called the cops..

    -jcr

  23. Del says:

    That’s ok. My arraignment is tomorrow. Luckily they didn’t find my prototype mini-mac tablet that I was able to hide in my tooth. You add water and it unfolds to easy writing size and the coffee shop next to the jail is providing me with wireless.

    Actually maybe I just want to stay here.

    This life is not bad.

  24. greenacres says:

    ‘fun for a girl and a boy’? Isn’t that from the very old ad for a Slinky? Should have gone with a comparison to an Etch-a-Sketch…

  25. Bellidancer says:

    That whole fingertip chafing thing has me worried. It is bad enough with a little trackpad on an iBook, I can’t imagine what I’d do with tablet sized surface. And keeping the surface clean, or the exact right level of filthy would have to be a pain. ( I’ve noticed chafing on a trackpad is actually worse on a squeaky clean pad with a clean fingertop. My fingertip glides better when it is slightly dusty or greasy. (Not that I resort to chalking or lubing my fingertip before I use my iBook.))

    But techniques I’ve developed for optimizing fingertip glide on a track pad won’t work on a touch screen since a touch screen needs to stay absolutely clean. ( for visibility, not to provide a hygienic surface for cheese distribution.)

    So until Apple develops adequate fingertip glide techniques, I don’t think an Apple tablet is practical.

  26. Anonymous says:

    Actually, it turns out that the tablet will come in a large cubic box, just to throw people off.

    And because Apple has lots leftover from the last product that didn’t sell.

  27. da Cat says:

    Solid all the way around. I’m a bit curious on how more cowbell would help, though?

  28. I think this would be a good device for Simon to keep track of all of our American Idol performances. He seems rather inconsistent in his judging of our performances. In fact, I was bored this week. He just kind of “called it in.”

    So please, Apple, for the sake of American Idols everywhere, give Simone one of these new portable computers. If only he could remember from week to week just how much better I am than that skank Vonzell, or that long-hair loser Bo (what kind of name is Bo anyway? Pfff).

    And please, Dixie chicks, couldn’t you add me to your act? If not them, how about the Evil American Idol Boy’s Choir?

  29. scared monster says:

    «Is fun for a girl and a boy»

    Together?

    Not very nerd-ish…

  30. Ugly John says:

    CALAMITY!!! CALAMITY!!!!

    UGLY JOHN!!! UGLY JOHN!!!! AAARGRHRRHH!!J!!!!!

  31. weedle19 says:

    “lubing my fingertip”

    Somethings just should never be mentioned…

  32. adam Jackson says:

    having been to apple HQ and seeing a visual of what you were speaking of I am literally at work laughing my ass of with the visual of you doing that down the main strip and people on the sidewalk just looking oddly. OMFG that is so great!

  33. P says:

    THAT IS TOO FUNNY!

    Is this the type of thing that gets Apple users hot and bothered? Looked like a slab with a guy poking it. And the funny thing is that someone will probably still be hunted down by the Apple elite for leaking secrets. I’ll be any money that this machine will cost twice as much as *any* other tablet machine and will still not have a floating point processor. Yeah, computers don’t need to do computations…they just…uh…need to…uh…even looking at a Mac makes me feel light-headed. Gotta go lie down…

  34. appletweak says:

    troll. smelly pc using troll.

  35. Zweben says:

    34TH POST!!!!!!! OH EMMM FRICKKINNN GEEEE~!!!!!!

  36. grimey says:

    The amazing thing that nobody knows about the tablet is… It complies with energystar year 2072 regulations, if you put the pen on the screen it breaks, thus saving power.

  37. rad says:

    wotever… compaq tablets suck anyway.