20 Jul 05Virus, Anti-Virus Makers Announce Accord on MacIntel Platform


Virus designers and anti-virus software makers announced the extension of their accord on Intel processors running versions of Microsoft Windows to future so-called MacIntel platforms, case running OS X on chips from Intel.

As has long been known, anti-virus software companies work hand-in-hand with virus designers to create a symbiotic relationship that keeps the companies in business. Virus coders are later hired by the anti-virus companies as “subject-matter experts” and receive lucrative compensation packages.

Other industries that work the same way are pop-up blocking, Satanic soul harvesting and the recording industry.

The arrangement between anti-virus software makers and virus coders has at least one industry mogul caught in its web.

“I feel helpless in their grasp,” said Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, dabbing his eyes with a tissue, and sobbing slightly.

Gates was quickly reminded by an underling, however, that Microsoft had recently purchased anti-virus and anti-spyware software vendors.

“Oooh! Yay!” the Microsoft chief technologist screeched, stamping his feet and pumping his tiny fists in the air.

Apple is determined to get in on the deal Microsoft has arranged.

Apple has decided to provide virus and anti-virus developers with free Intel-based Macs and millions of dollars in funding to support their work. Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller will also create two 30-minute videos – one castigating virus makers and one praising anti-virus programmers.

And then two more doing the opposite.

Apple will offer repeated “service packs” that give users what psychiatrists describe as “learned helplessness” – locking them into a cycle of upgrading.

Mac users can look forward to spending countless hours running anti-virus software and cursing violently at their computers.

No Responses to “Virus, Anti-Virus Makers Announce Accord on MacIntel Platform”

  1. dan says:

    First?

    Oh yeah!

  2. Dan says:

    Read the article too!

  3. Anonymous says:

    4th

  4. Ergo says:

    Forthing at the mouth about forth!

  5. K.S. 3.0.9.9.9.3 says:

    six….at this hour

  6. Ace Deuce says:

    It’s about time we got the attention we deserve.

  7. Anonymous says:

    Is their a virus that will finish the paper I’m writing?

  8. Elderly Nicholas et al. says:

    OFFICIAL NOTICE.

    We, the Ethical Committee of The Association of Satanic Soul Harvesters, Local 666, do strongly object to being associated with Virus, Anti-virus, Worm, Anti-worm, Trojan, Anti-Trojan writers and in particular, Bill Gates.

    We follow a friendly, traditional and ethical occupation and should these foul and unfounded accusations be repeated, action will be taken against the perpetrators.

  9. trying says:

    eleven !!!!!

  10. juhu says:

    eleventh

  11. juhu aka pron connnaisseur says:

    @trying: Learn to count! I got the real 11th! This feels great!

    Hopefully Apple will include an emulation layer to 10.5, so that I can finally run all my favourite viruses, trojans and worms.

  12. Del says:

    Oh Yay Phil Schiller video’s!

    The odd thing is when I went to my video store to rent them, they said they were kept in the “back” room and I had to be over 18 to go in there.

    I rented them anyway. I haven’t had a chance to watch them yet, but their titles are very intriguing. I would never have guessed they were about viruses. The other odd thing is that they were copyrighted in the late 70’s and Schiller looks very young. I guess Apple has been sitting on these for a long time just waiting for the moment to release them.

    I figure tonight I’m gonna watch Canadian Beavers. (Really that sounds more like a nature documentary than a infomercial about viruses). Tomorrow I plan on watching Hoser Down. The picture on the cover looks more like some weird car wash, but I’ve been in small rooms w/ geeks before and I’ve wanted to scour the smell off them first so I guess that is understandable.

    I’ll let you guys know how they are tomorrow.

  13. Gnu Person says:

    “give users what psychiatrists describe as ‘learned helplessness'”

    Psychiatrists?! No, no, no. Psychiatrists don’t learn behavioral theory. They just prescribe medications with mediocre efficacy that cause weight gain, diarrhea, and sexual dysfunction.

  14. Nxxx says:

    So that’s what wrong.

  15. Bellidancer says:

    From everything I’ve heard the Ethical Committee of The Association of Satanic Soul Harvesters, Local 666, should be really, really ticked about to being associated with the recording industry. Unless the Satanic Soul Harvesters ARE the recording industry.

    Hey Del, Blockbuster and Hollywood Video don’t carry the Schiller tapes! Where did you find them?

  16. CTHULHU says:

    I WORK “PRO-BONO,” SO TO SPEAK! THE UNSPEAKABLE HORROR OF SOUL-HARVESTING IS ITS OWN REWARD!!

    I NEED NO PUNY UNION!!! THE RECORDING INDUSTRY IS ON ITS OWN WITH THAT ONE!!!!! THEY’RE WELCOME TO BONO, WHILE WE’RE ON THE SUBJECT!!!!!!!

  17. Bellidancer says:

    Ooooh! Turf wars between unspeakably evil entities. Bring it on!

    CTHULHO’s post brings up some questions through. Is soul-harvesting covered under minimum wages laws? Is CTHULHO a SCAB? Does Bono have a soul, or if he does, why would an extra-dimensional unspeakably evil immoral monster who exists by ripping souls from helpless mortals not want Bono’s soul? Does it taste bad? Too spicy? Too bland?

  18. Del says:

    Bellidancer I got them at a chain we have in Michigan called “Family Video”. They meet the video needs of everyone in your Family.

  19. Psyko says:

    Oh please don’t let CARS be right on this article. I know this one being inaccurate would ruin their perfect streak, but I would rather have CARS lose a streak, than Macs get viruses.

    MARK

  20. Bellidancer says:

    Del,

    Everyone? Including strange Uncle Buuba that no one will leave their children alone with?

    Psyko, get over it. Viruses are everywhere, in the real world and in cyberspace. It is just Mac viruses are inoffensive, shrinking violets.

  21. Elderly Nicholas et al. says:

    Would the Viruses like Union Protection in the real world? We find it difficult to negotiate in Cyberspace.

    Contact:-The Association of Satanic Soul Harvesters, Local 666.

  22. It’s true, I was pumping my unbelievably miniscule mits in haste and accidentially knocked over my oversized coffee mug, which shattered on the floor, then I tripped over my shoelace, one of my shoes came off and then I stepped in the broken coffee mug shards. CRAP, DAMN AND HEAVEN’S TO BETSY, THAT HURT!!!! Balmer came by to see what all the girlish screeching was about and nearly wet himself at my sight. Stupid oaf douche! I’m going to pull another scat-related prank on him. That’ll fix that big wiseguy. Arrrgh!!! I just stepped in it again!!!!

  23. jinzo012 says:

    Thi, th, thi, thi, this isn’t true……….is it?………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….F**K OFF!!!……………………………………………………………I’m sorry………………………………………………………………………MOTHER F**KER………………………………………………………………………………………………..YOUR MOM………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………is hot.

  24. Del says:

    Even Uncle Buuba? Why Yes even him.

  25. Walking Contradiction says:

    Seriously folks, I spent something on the order of 3 hours last night with my XP box, updating virus definitions, scanning the system, installing better firewalls, configuring said firewalls so I could find the internet again, installing Adware removal tools and raping my machine of all adware I could find.

    I can’t wait until my Mac needs that kind of love. My poor old neglected Mac doesn’t even have any anti-virus software on it and hasn’t demanded 3 hours of my time over the last year! But someday I’ll be able to show it the love that I now show for my spoiled rotten XP box. Sweet!

  26. neel says:

    Sometimes these reports ring just that little bit too true.