The results of Crazy Apple Rumors Site’s first-ever contest are in! Out of 30 entries, our judges were forced to play favorites, pitting Mac user against Mac user, and only occasionally accepting monetary or sexual rewards for their vote.
Hence the need to go over the weekend.
It’s hard work, but someone’s got to do it. And now we’re pleased to announce the winners of Crazy Apple Rumor Site’s 2005 Pimp My Apple Executive contest!
First Place goes to Lillian Bucket’s vision of Apple CEO Steve Jobs as Chairman Mao!
The judges were drawn to Lillian’s view of Jobs as leader of an authoritarian Apple community driven by a fierce cult of his personality because…
Well, because it’s so much like reality, I guess.
So, congratulations to Lillian for sizing all those heads just right in order to make a deep and thoughtful political statement about the state of the Apple world! A license to Mail Factory, an iTunes gift certificate for $10 (or so), a Crazy Apple Rumors Site bumper sticker and a sharp rap on the knuckles will be on your way shortly!
Um… if you’re Lillian.
Second place goes to Ryan O’Connell for his image of Steve Jobs pimping a sexbot!
As high-quality the image that Ryan as put together is, we must point out that his sexbot interpretation is not in line with what we’ve been hearing from sources. Sources indicate Apple sexbots will not be chrome, but will come in a variety of human flesh tones, all with an Apple logo tattooed on the small of the back.
It’s possible this was an early prototype.
Still, nice going, Ryan. You’ve won a gift certificate to the iTunes Music Store, a Crazy Apple Rumors Site bumper sticker and 1,000 hours of community service!
Ryan actually submitted several entries and would also have won Third Place for his vision of Steve Jobs as Jesus (it’s amazing how natural he looks). However, per the contest rule addendum, you can’t win twice. Yea, so it was that in an ironic twist that may affect the rule-maker’s afterlife, Third Place was summarily stripped from Christianity and given to Hinduism.
Yes, a hearty congratulations to Third Place winner Charles Payne, who envisioned Steve Jobs, Phil Schiller and Avie Tevanian as Brahma.
According to Hindu beliefs, Brahma is the senior member of the triad of Brahma, Vishnu and Shiva and is symbolized as the supreme eternal deity whose essence pervades the entire universe.
Now, bitch, you can’t get much more pimped out than that. You just can’t, baby. And Charles has won a Crazy Apple Rumors Site bumper sticker and a quick check of the ol’ prostate by Dr. Fuhrmann!
Congratulations to our winners!
While the rest of the entries did not win, that doesn’t mean that the people who submitted them aren’t wieners.
I mean “winners.”
The judges would like to give honorable mention to the following:
This utterly unaltered picture of Phil Schiller by Lawrence Miotto showed the very zen of Phil and how he’s just naturally pimped out.
And while we didn’t pick any of the entries depicting Apple executives with laser cannons and giant metal arms and stuff, we did appreciate the effort. Your willingness to fulfill our every whim has not gone unnoticed. Your toadying shall be rewarded upon the appointed day. You have earned your spot in the giant space ark that will whisk a select few away from this world moments before its destruction by small, but vicious, crab creatures from beyond the solar system.
But, um, just keep that between us. Don’t want to scare the sheeple.
Also of note was Shum Stra’s very weird image of a knocked-up Phil Schiller. Thanks, Shum. The entire Macintosh community will be sleepless tonight over that one.
You may view the entire copyright-violating collection here!
Stay tuned for details on our next contest: How Many Apple Employees Can You Nail In a Three-Day Weekend?!
Spring break sounds like a good time for that.