Winners of Pimp My Apple Executive Contest!

The results of Crazy Apple Rumors Site’s first-ever contest are in! Out of 30 entries, our judges were forced to play favorites, pitting Mac user against Mac user, and only occasionally accepting monetary or sexual rewards for their vote.

Hence the need to go over the weekend.

It’s hard work, but someone’s got to do it. And now we’re pleased to announce the winners of Crazy Apple Rumor Site’s 2005 Pimp My Apple Executive contest!

First Place goes to Lillian Bucket’s vision of Apple CEO Steve Jobs as Chairman Mao!

The judges were drawn to Lillian’s view of Jobs as leader of an authoritarian Apple community driven by a fierce cult of his personality because…

Well, because it’s so much like reality, I guess.

So, congratulations to Lillian for sizing all those heads just right in order to make a deep and thoughtful political statement about the state of the Apple world! A license to Mail Factory, an iTunes gift certificate for $10 (or so), a Crazy Apple Rumors Site bumper sticker and a sharp rap on the knuckles will be on your way shortly!

Um… if you’re Lillian.

Second place goes to Ryan O’Connell for his image of Steve Jobs pimping a sexbot!

As high-quality the image that Ryan as put together is, we must point out that his sexbot interpretation is not in line with what we’ve been hearing from sources. Sources indicate Apple sexbots will not be chrome, but will come in a variety of human flesh tones, all with an Apple logo tattooed on the small of the back.

Very sex-ay.

It’s possible this was an early prototype.

Still, nice going, Ryan. You’ve won a gift certificate to the iTunes Music Store, a Crazy Apple Rumors Site bumper sticker and 1,000 hours of community service!

Ryan actually submitted several entries and would also have won Third Place for his vision of Steve Jobs as Jesus (it’s amazing how natural he looks). However, per the contest rule addendum, you can’t win twice. Yea, so it was that in an ironic twist that may affect the rule-maker’s afterlife, Third Place was summarily stripped from Christianity and given to Hinduism.

Yes, a hearty congratulations to Third Place winner Charles Payne, who envisioned Steve Jobs, Phil Schiller and Avie Tevanian as Brahma.

According to Hindu beliefs, Brahma is the senior member of the triad of Brahma, Vishnu and Shiva and is symbolized as the supreme eternal deity whose essence pervades the entire universe.

Now, bitch, you can’t get much more pimped out than that. You just can’t, baby. And Charles has won a Crazy Apple Rumors Site bumper sticker and a quick check of the ol’ prostate by Dr. Fuhrmann!

Congratulations to our winners!

While the rest of the entries did not win, that doesn’t mean that the people who submitted them aren’t wieners.

I mean “winners.”

The judges would like to give honorable mention to the following:

This utterly unaltered picture of Phil Schiller by Lawrence Miotto showed the very zen of Phil and how he’s just naturally pimped out.

And while we didn’t pick any of the entries depicting Apple executives with laser cannons and giant metal arms and stuff, we did appreciate the effort. Your willingness to fulfill our every whim has not gone unnoticed. Your toadying shall be rewarded upon the appointed day. You have earned your spot in the giant space ark that will whisk a select few away from this world moments before its destruction by small, but vicious, crab creatures from beyond the solar system.

But, um, just keep that between us. Don’t want to scare the sheeple.

Also of note was Shum Stra’s very weird image of a knocked-up Phil Schiller. Thanks, Shum. The entire Macintosh community will be sleepless tonight over that one.

You may view the entire copyright-violating collection here!

We’d like to thank our judges, Your Mac Life‘s Shawn King, technology writer Glenn Fleishman, and the mystery Apple employee!

Stay tuned for details on our next contest: How Many Apple Employees Can You Nail In a Three-Day Weekend?!

Spring break sounds like a good time for that.

44 thoughts on “Winners of Pimp My Apple Executive Contest!”

  1. Yes!

    Check mine out (2nd picture on Flickr)!

    Let’s hear it for Joy of Tech!

    Oh, and I claim 2-6.

    I should be in there somewhere.

  2. i wanna CARS bumper sticker! i wanna CARS bumper sticker! i wanna CARS bumper sticker! NOW!

    oh, and fourth

  3. Dang!

    I just though of a Steve Jobs as Willy Wonka.

    That would have been great.

    Oh well.

    And I like the iPimp one.

  4. “Pimp My Apple Executive?”…ooohh…

    I thought you said shrimp at my place on Saturday….

    There’s a few of us coming you know…

    I can’t be left with all this garlic sauce.

    I can’t!

  5. Sir,

    Typically disingenuous rubbish. Trash technology. Pah and humbug.

    What type of Nannies did your Maters employ down on the old plantation? What type of vicars did you have at your, wonderful white-painted churches. Where has the pleasant populace of ‘Little Women’ gone? America, what have you come to? Did those millions lost during the Civil War realise that they gave their lives for this? What would Abraham Lincoln say? Is this the Nation that single-handed beat the Axis forces?

    If you were in my regiment, I would have you all taken outside and shot.

    Yours in deepest sorrow

    Disgusted Col Retd

  6. the banners should be changed as…



  7. I wouldn’t mind having a CARS bumper sticker, but I worry that people would think it was about that old Gary Numan song, which I now can’t get out of my head.

    I also worry that in the future, people will think it’s about the new Pixar movie. (Hey, almost on topic!)

    I worry a lot.

  8. OK wow… and I though winning an Emmy was a big deal (OK it is a Rocky Mountain regional emmy) but this is truly an honor, To win 2 place, and a Technical finish in 3rd. It feels like a true honor to be recognized by the academy… of ummm fellow crazy mac lovers. First I have to thank Jesus…. Rodriguez. he cuts my lawn. thank you Jesus. or how do they pronounce it… hey sues … well if you don’t know any mexicans, this probably isn’t funny. Do they have mexicans where you are? and if not, who provides cheep labor?

    ooops, got a little off the subject. OK steve jobs, if it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t have as much fun working as I have.. the mac is truly a dream. thanks to the entire Crazy apple rumor team.. If it weren’t for you, I might actually have to work sometime.

    ok thanks… lots of speeches have thanks… maybe mine could include a Fatwa! A special Fatwa of hatred goes out to that guy who always gets first post. I never even have a chance, not even close… so to those first posters, I wish a fiery rein of divine retribution for your wicked lives befall on you and your soul is devoured by filthy maggots.

    Once again, thanks to the academy and have a good night!


  9. Well done.

    You’re not the swearing Ryan are you?

    I have to say the prize for last place really stunk….to come home to find a cement truck pumping custard through my front window and an angry moose in the back garden was….I have no words.

    All I wanted was a bumber sticker, a consolation prize for freaks sake.

  10. John,

    I did subtly suggest that I should be awarded first prize, but you seem to have overlooked this.

    Just this once, I shall also overlook your error but be warned, you mention the next competition will be at the Spring Break.

    If I do not win this time, even without an entry, you will have the choice of breaks, left or right leg.

    Have a nice day

  11. Streetrabbit,

    I suspect that John has been instructed by the CIA (Commission International Apple) to confine prizes to the North American Mainland excluding Canada and Mexico, so those of Antipodean, Asiatic, African or European connections are, effectively ruled out.

    Will you invade? I can probably justify it and get it passed at the UN.

  12. I’m hoping we’ll invade but unfortunately Australia only invades countries at the behest of America so it’s a bit of a catch 22.

    Bumper sticker that’s what I meant, I’ve already got hundreds of bumber stickers.

    I had a great idea though, I’ll write on my bumper something like “I’m driven by CARS – with a crazee twist of fruit.” and no you can’t use that Mr Tightwad.

    Oh well, luckily the moose loves custard and has been a great help clearing up. I don’t like the way it’s taken my spot on the sofa though and the channel surfing is already very annoying.

  13. Dang. I thought I had a real shot at winning. I mean, I spent 10, 20 whole minutes on that image….

  14. Yeah, I agree with the first prize winner. It just brings ti all together ;-). However, being the Photoshop addict that I am, my fiingers are just twitching to match up Steve’s skin tone to the poster….

    meh! >:-O

  15. Alright, who entered, and which picture is it?

    C’mon, claim your hady work! (I already did).

  16. “Stay tuned for details on our next contest: How Many Apple Employees Can You Nail In a Three-Day Weekend?!”

    Does Ellen Feiss count as an Apple employee? She’s 18 by now, isn’t she? And if I “nailed” her, say, a dozen times over the course of the weekend, would that count as 12, or just one?

  17. I’ve been researching the population rolls and do you know what amazing results I’ve discovered?

    Lillian Bucket is brother in law to John Moltz.

    Ryan O’Connell is brother in law to John Moltz.

    Charles Payne is brother in law to John Moltz.

    Lawrence Miotto is brother in law to John Moltz.

    Shum Stra is brother in law to John Moltz.

    Shawn King is brother in law to John Moltz.

    Glenn Fleishman is brother in law to John Moltz.

    I am not trying to impute anything except

    maybe John’s sister should give up bigamy.

  18. Hey, mons, before you get all hot and bothered, I should let you know that I think “Lillian” is a dude.

    And I think that’s not his real name.

    Can you imagine someone not wanting to be associated with this contest?

    I mean other than one of the judges?

  19. Huggy Bear: Pimp-like sidekick to Starsky & Hutch, the ’70s series (and drecky movie) featuring car chases, stuff blowing up, and, um, Huggy Bear. Played in the series by Antonio Fargas, in the movie by Snoop Dogg.

    Google it! (Google images, that is.)

  20. Hey man, I looked at all the photos and now I feel a bit ill. I mean they’re nice and all, but Phil pregnant? And that one of Schiller ‘untouched’. Frankly, it’s all a bit disturbing. I think I’m gonna lie down for a bit.

  21. Uhhh…no. UhhhDude is my given name, but I’ve taken on one of your human names to blend in.

  22. Oh, I understand pefectly. So what are your parents names?

    Oh, and did you guys here about the guy who got a patent for “Protection of Software Against Unauthorized Use” (DRM) back in 1998 and is now suing all the music download stores

    (Apple Computer, Sony Connect, Real Networks, Napster and MusicMatch)?

  23. Thank you for your “honorary” mention. I did indeed utilize stuff as “imagination” and “google images” to complete this quest for the holy… uhh.. honorary mention.

    John, your sister never told me she had other boyfriends. I guess that’s why we only met once a month. And all we did was throwing around monks. Well, at least the monks liked it.

    – Shum Stra

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