07 Nov 05A Million Switchers Just The Beginning, Sources Say.


Commenting on a Wall Street analysis indicating that over a million users switched from Windows to the Mac in the past three quarters, Apple sources said there would be many more to come.

Driven by a halo effect generated by the success of the iPod and the iLife suite of applications, Apple has begun to do what many felt was impossible – steal market share from Microsoft. But the company has more ambitious plans than stealing a paltry million users.

According to sources, in 2007 the company plans to capture a full 95% of the market – effectively turning it upside down – with the dramatic introduction of the much-anticipated sexbot line.

“Listening to music is one thing,” said a source close to the project. “People like music.

“But screwing? People love screwing. And this is screwing without all the pressure. I mean, who needs all that ‘Oh, you’re not doing it right.’ And ‘What do you think you’re rubbing? Because you’re not rubbing what you think you’re rubbing.’ And ‘Who the hell is Linda?’ You don’t need that! I know I certainly don’t!”

Analysts support Apple’s contention that it could capture a majority of the market by releasing sex robots. Actually, they supported the contention that Apple could capture the majority of anything by releasing sex robots.

“Sometimes as a technology pundit you ask yourself ‘Would I like to get down on that?’,” said the New York Times’ David Pogue. “And, in the case of the Apple sexbot, I’m forced to say, yes, I would like to get down on that.

“Get… bizzay. Nnnastay.

“And I believe that if I would like to have sex with a robot, then many other people would also like to have sex with a robot. And… that was pretty much the scope of my analysis.”

Sources indicate that after the sexbot rollout, Apple will be following up quickly with another blockbuster release to secure its position in the market.

When asked how the company expected to follow up on robots you can have sex with, a source said it was was looking into either curing death or sexbot socks.

46 Responses to “A Million Switchers Just The Beginning, Sources Say.”

  1. 2000guitars says:

    bummer dude

    FIRST POST! is how we say it around here…

  2. The Invisible Evil Boys' Choir says:

    BIZZAY! BIZZAY! BIZZAY! BIZZAY! BIZZAY! BIZZAY! BIZZAY! BIZZAY!

    BIZZAY! BIZZAY! BIZZAY! BIZZAY! BIZZAY! BIZZAY! BIZZAY! BIZZAY!

    BIZZAY! BIZZAY! BIZZAY! BIZZAY! BIZZAY! BIZZAY! BIZZAY! BIZZAY!

    BIZZAY! BIZZAY! BIZZAY! BIZZAY! BIZZAY! BIZZAY! BIZZAY! BIZZAY!

  3. Syndrome says:

    Umm, Boys:

    I’m flattered, I really am, but I wish you wouldn’t spell “Busy” like that.

  4. Fishnets for your sexbot? How about a nice matching bra, panties, and garter belt set?

    For all your Sexbot apparel needs, stop by Victoria’s Secret.

    (In most malls where you can find an Apple store.)

  5. Sparky says:

    Sexbots are back!!!

  6. Phil Schiller says:

    Guys,

    Really, there aren’t any sexbots. I just let something slip to some reporter about the “Sliced Bread” project, and he went off on a flight of speculation.

    Love,

    Phil

    PS: Apple’s decision not to pursue a Sexbot strategy has nothing to do with any deal we may or may not have made with the FCC, Howard Stern, the Walt Disney Corporation, or Major League Baseball.

  7. Ron Johnson says:

    When you’re in the Apple store for your holiday shopping, be sure to check out the entire line of Major League Baseball iPod Socks. Available in all your favorite team colors!

    Thanks,

    Ron

  8. Steve Jobs says:

    Ron, Phil,

    Would you please close your Powerbooks and pay attention to the meeting?

    Love,

    Steve.

  9. John C. Randolph says:

    Tenth!

    -jcr

  10. Stridey says:

    *calls elevensees*

  11. Nxxx says:

    Syndrome,

    What if the Invisible Evil Chappies were praising Bizet?

  12. I’m voting for the socks.

  13. Senatork says:

    Yeah, ok, sexbots look good on paper. But, think about it, if you could have a sex with a robot anytime anywhere, would you bother with a real woman and kids?

    Downfall of Western civilization indeed.

    (cocks his shotgun) Well, it ain’t gonna happen on my watch.

  14. Wysz says:

    Apple will actually be able to maintain a 95% marketshare with this product. Why? Because even though Microsoft will copy it, nobody will want to buy a sexbot that’s vulnerable to viruses.

  15. Streetrabbit says:

    I’m not that fussed about sexbots, all that metal. Unless they’ll actually be made of soft, buxom metal…then I’m down.

    And I’ve just realised what genius marketing Victoria’s Secret is…there’s an ass in the middle.

  16. OK sexbot socks? Cheers to that joke.

    But “[b]ecause even though Microsoft will copy it, nobody will want to buy a sexbot that’s vulnerable to viruses”? That’s got to take the cake. 🙂 Sexbots like cake, by the way.

  17. one man and his mac says:

    this is good. but i bet you apple would go and spoil it by making your sexbot into a music and video player. i mean, who’s going to want to watch videos while using their sexbot? unless it’s a *really* big screen, maybe.

  18. lord flasheart says:

    Yeah, ok, sexbots look good on paper, but they look even better ON MY FACE!!

  19. George Costanza says:

    “i mean, who’s going to want to watch videos while using their sexbot?”

    Are you kidding? Throw in the pastrami sandwich and you’ve got the trifecta!

  20. Ace Deuce says:

    The problem is not that people might prefer sexbots to other people, it’s that sexbots (if they’re all that) will prefer other sexbots to our kind.

    They’ll be sneaking around, let me tell you, and we’ll be locked out.

  21. Wysz says:

    Simone: Thanks for the cake. Cake is awesome.

  22. sockman says:

    I was thinking…sex bot socks=condoms. But then I thought…Apple=no viruses, not need for sex bot socks. Then I thought…Apple-brand anti-acid. That is the only protection you need…for the pastrami sandwich!

  23. Del says:

    Who says the sexbots are going to be for men only? I think the market on Male sexbots is going to be right up there. Of course I think Apple will ship Sexbots as modular units so you can plug on whatever accessories float your boat. In the box you get several different types of male add ons, several different male and female hair styles, and several different female upper body styles.

    Of course the charging cable will be sold separately as well as other nice accessories.(i.e. iBondage, iCatholic School Girl, and iYum.) The first models will only come in black and white though it is rumored there will be a U2 model that will try and save the world. I don’t know how popular that will be since every time you want to use it you have to find what rally it is at and bring it home.

    Engraving of course will be thrown in for free.

  24. Anonymous says:

    No no no. Here’s how Apple is going to steal millions:

    First, they get an insider, uh, inside. Then they follow the flow of how things work, where all the exits are, when the money moves, etc.

    Then they bug the camera system. They cut in their own video and build a mock vault.

    Then they get a short Chinese acrobat in a money box inside the vault.

    Then they get a Brit electronics genius to cause a black out during the big fight.

    Then they *stage* a break in to the vault and the arrival of the SWAT team who actually carry the money right out the front doors.

    Then Steve Jobs goes to jail while the rest of the team stand in front of the fountain and walk away one at a time.

    Simple.

    You folks really need to pay closer attention to the details. Sexbots. Pshaw. It would make sex… mechanical.

  25. Sudo Nym says:

    Rock ’em, Sock ’em sexbots?

    Boy, that takes me back… sorta.

  26. R. Daneel Olivaw says:

    As the one first to demonstrate it, let me assure you there is nothing mechanical about robot sex.

    Uh, except for the mechanics of it, which humans rather enjoy, from my experience.

  27. Well, I’m not one to be one-uped. Especially with the likes of The Lord Flasheart about.

    And so I hearby announce my latest innovationality:

    Microsoft Sexy Robots ™ <=== (HA! In your FACE, Jobsy!!!)

    This totally brilliant and original idea, which is mine and I own it, is in fact mine. Or course, our MS-Sexy Robots can’t actually have sex yet. That will ship in a later version sometime in 2011, but I can tell you that I.. I mean Balmer is completely smitten with them. Our SexyBots(sm) really only give hand-jobs in this version, but man-oh-man *what* a hand job… except for the splinters, and one of the test interns did catch the clap from it. Hand-job, clap… HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! Oh, crap I’m funny all of a sudden. But seriously:

    Welcome, Sex Bots. Seriously. Welcome to the most exciting and important marketplace since the sexbot revolution began 350,000 years ago… oh, nevermind.

  28. Anonymous says:

    Curing death would probably be a good idea after almost all human reproduction comes to an end due to people only having sex with robots.

  29. burleyLIZhurley says:

    Will the so called ‘sex’ bots have an intel inside?

    I tried it once and it hurt.

  30. Citizen Of Trantor says:

    I feel a great disturbance… as if a million switchers cried out… in joy…

    Seriously, I am amazed that the RealDoll folks have not partnered with some Japanese tech firm and just taken the whole sex doll thing to the next level.

  31. R. Jander Panell says:

    You lie! I was the first sexbot!

  32. iBode says:

    Hopefully Apple’s cure of death will come with anti-aging, or the world will eventually be infested by zombie-looking people.

    The suicide rate would sky rocket!

    Again, man would cease to exist.

    Intro next product from Apple:

  33. Wankle Rotary Engine says:

    I’ve seen the Apple Store prototype pages… there ‘s a lot more there.

    Options:

    iSight “Tunnel Vision” : See all the comings and goings from a new perspective. (Add $130)

    iEye: Cabin boy attire and parrot for your Sexbot (Male or female.) (Add $350)

    iBright: Memory upgrade (Not compatible with Blond Sexbots.) (Add $250)

    iShower: Self cleaning sexbot (standard on all models except for French and Italian localizations.) (Included)

    iBo: Robot dog to accompany your sexbot. (Sex with iBo is not supported at this time.) (Add: $1350)

    iDo: Necessary forms and legal Documents to marry your sexbot (Add: $4000)

    There were some others, but the page didn’t finish loading.

  34. I object to all these references to sexbots. And marrying a sexbot, now that’s just obscene.

    You might think me hypocritical considering I was governor of the only state that allowed a man to marry his cow. But that was AFTER I was governor, and just before a dead man beat me in the senate race.

    Let’s a join hands and sing “Kum By Ya.”

    Of course, I’m secretly wondering if I can trade my wife in for a sexbot, and would anyone besides the Missouri State Librarian know the switch had been made?

  35. Sudo Nym says:

    From an old Bugs Bunny cartoon:

    Bugs Bunny, as sexy female robot rabbit walks by: Heh. Mechanical.

    (Female robot smooches Bugs.)

    Bugs Bunny, obviously excited: So it’s mechanical! (Chases after robot.)

    Where are Jerry Falwell and James Dobson on this smut masquerading as sweet harmless children’s cartoons? Could they be in the pay of the sexbot industry?

  36. Psyko says:

    Kapoof!

    MARK

  37. Cerambus says:

    I reckon Apple are up to something.. from the latest 10.4.3 update notes:

    The Core Data framework has been updated to improve relationship management issues, …, and improve insertion performance.

    If that doesn’t say “We’re secretly developing sexbots, with the ultimate in GUI design.”, then I don’t know what does.

    😉

  38. R. Daneel Olivaw says:

    Okay, Jander, we could go back and forth all day — into a positronic brain freeze about who was first. But just ask the ladies and see whom they prefer.

    By the way, glad to have you back in action. Giskard says hello.

  39. Bot Curious says:

    Hello.

    I’m a forty year old male, long time listener, first time caller.

    If I have it away with a male sexbot does that make me gay?

  40. John Fitzgerald Kennedy says:

    Ich bin ein Sexbot!

    -JFK, former President of the United States of America, deceased.

  41. Lee Harvey Oswald says:

    Not any more, you ain’t!

    Lee.

  42. John Wilkes Booth says:

    Sic Semper Sexbots!

    The South shall Rise Again!

  43. "Unpopped" Colonel Winky says:

    Oh, for god’s sake.

  44. Booger says:

    This is hilarious

  45. someone says:

    boobies made from metal are hard