Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.


Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.


Q: It’s Captain Natty Dregg callin’ all par-tay people! Let me hear ya say “yeah!”
A: Uh… yeah!
Q: Now let me hear ya say “ooooh!”
A: Ooooh!
Q: Now let me hear ya tell me how to switch my shell from tcsh to bash!
A: Uhhh, choose Preferences from the Terminal menu, select the option “Execute this command (specify complete path):” and change the selected text entry from /bin/tcsh to /bin/bash!
Q: Ooooh, yeah! Goodbye from Captain Natty Dregg!
A: Uh, bye!
HOWARD: Who was that?
A: That was… uh… Captain Natty Dregg.
HOWARD: Oh. Did he have my five dollars?
A: Uh… he didn’t say.
HOWARD: Hmm. I’m starting to think I’m not going to get it back.
A: Uh… yeah. He didn’t seem very concerned about it.


Q: I have a very unusual problem.
A: You don’t say.
Q: Oh, I do. See, I attached my iPod shuffle to some very small external speakers and I accidentally swalled both.
A: No.
Q: Yes. And now I can’t sleep, mostly because of that Green Day album.
A: Well, have you considered an ipecac? Something to induce vomiting?
Q: Well, I thought about that. But it’s on shuffle and I know there’s a Celine Dion song on there…
A: Oh. So just wait.
Q: OK. That’s what I thought. I just wanted a second opinion.


Q: I have an Intel-based iBook that I’m having some problems synching with my Bluetooth phone. I’ve gone into Address Book and…
A: Wait… did you say you have an Intel-base iBook?
Q: Uh, yeah. Yeah. Rev. 1. It’s a 2 GHz. I got it in September of 2006.
A: But it’s… November of 2005.
Q: Oh, right. I keep forgetting that I’m time-shifted from everyone else. See, to me it’s March of 2008.
A: Oh. Wow. But… what does that mean?
Q: Well, I’m physically in this time phase, but I perceive time as if it’s March of 2008.
A: But… if you’re physically here, how are you using a laptop from the future?
Q: Uh… well, through the flux of chroniton particles surrounding my body, I… Well, see, the thing is, it’s actually a blueberry iBook and I perceive it – through time-shifting – to be an 2 GHz Intel-based iBook.
A: Ah. I think I’m getting this now. When you say “perceiving”, you mean “pretending.”
Q: Um… well, yes.
A: OK, well, that’s good to know. It’ll help with the troubleshooting process. Because, for example, your non-time-shifted iBook doesn’t come with Bluetooth which, and I’m not sure about this, may not have been invented yet when that laptop was designed.
Q: And… yeah, that might be my problem.
A: Yeah. See, that’s your time-shift problem.
Q: Oookay. Thanks.
A: Yeah. Bye.
HOWARD: Was that time-shift guy?
A: Yeah.
HOWARD: Did he have my five dollars?
A: Uh… he didn’t say.
HOWARD: OK, well, if he calls back, tell him he owes me interest through March of 2008.
A: Rrright.

39 thoughts on “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. Moltz,

    Your time shifted man is shifting backwards, Bluetooth/Motorola synching is a past problem. Steve says so. Rokr says so.

    Hang on, there is no possible chance it doesn’t work is there? You’ve purposely hit a raw nerve, but funny.

  2. Yeah, that’s the wimpass way to change from tcsh to bash. Real men use chsh to edit it in the NetInfo database. Beeyotch.

  3. Umpteenth post for, like, the umpteenth time now.

    I’m “perceiving” that I won the jackpot and I’m living in one of Gerard K. O’Neill’s space colonies, eating a starfruit.

  4. I perceive that I have the first post! Which is lucky for all of you, because now you can enjoy my witty and insightful comments.

    Umm… now I can’t think of anything to say. Rats.

    Sorry.

  5. that time shift guys’ an idiot. if he ‘percieves’ he’s in 2008, why is he ‘percieving’ that he has a laptop from 2006, and not an uber-cool one from 2008? idiot.

    and how come howard lets ipod shuffle guy off his debts (he blatantly has some)?

  6. 1.Well

    Howard

    I will never give you your five dollars back.

    Never.

    Sit on it.

    2. Doesn’t Céline Dion induce diarrhoea? I mean, there is another cause? Or is that another nondesired effect, like the ear acouphene?

    3. Streetrabbit, it should be ‘onzièmeth’.

  7. Hey, Ace Deuce-

    Since you have so much money, would you mind transporting me out to one of those colonies?

    Preferably a luxurious one with lots of women and few [none] other men.

    Thanks.

  8. I claim 21st post, and all subsequent 21st posts through March of 2008. And, starting in May 2006, I claim all 13th posts.

  9. The thing about “chsh” is that it will change not only the default Terminal shell, but also the shell used for ssh logins, xterms, or anything else.

  10. Actually, Harold owes my pants five dollars.

    He’s a bit overdue, and my pants have been harassing him some.

    I think that’s why he’s eager to find the five bucks….

    moo

  11. As fun as this has all been. . . you know, with me being last and all. . .

    LAST POST.

    there I did it. I challenge anyone to try me. . .

    -webpablo out!

  12. Pfffft. Bash? Z-Shell? What lameoid terminal emulation! I communicate with my Mac directly in Assembly language. Yep, I have a special terminal emulation with a two-key keyboard.

    Well, okay, it’s not really a keyboard, it’s a Double Pole, Double Throw switch. I had one left over from my model railroad. So I communicate with my Intel PowerBook with no keyboard at all, but switching that DPDT switch back and forth. It’s a bit tricky, and you can lose your place if you don’t think about it. But as the saying goes, there’s 10 kinds of people. Those who know binary, and those who don’t.

    768th!

  13. Oh yeah, Tevanian! I once built an assembly compiler for an Altair 8800 using only my nipples to hit the front switches!!! HA! Have at you!

    [meta comment: was it me or was/is .mac down hard for the last two hours or so?]

  14. yes, .mac was down, and now we’re getting lots of mysterious .zip files from some spamming assholes. Apple probably brought down .mac to put up something to catch them, I hope. Not sure what it does, as I’m not going to unzip the damn thing on my system, yet. I’ll probably build a isolated system to investigate it on. The emails themselves do not seem to embed any html, the .zip file must carry the payload. It’s 54.2KB, so be on the lookout, if you’re a .mac subscriber.

  15. Who the hell is Harold? And why would anyone owe him $5?

    By the way, “Avie,” assembly language is not the same thing as binary. As Apple’s Chief Software Technology Officer, you should know that.

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