Apple Up To Something.

Weeks before January’s Macworld 2006, it now appears that Apple is up to something.

While details of what it is exactly the company is up to have yet to solidify, it has become apparent through the company’s actions that it is something big. According to sources, all of the company’s employees have been acting particularly shifty recently – more so than usual.

“I was at the gas station on De Anza Blvd. the other night late,” said Cupertino resident Scott Lennox. “And Phil Schiller pulls up and starts filling up his Lamborghini. I knew it was Schiller immediately because it had a bumper sticker on it that said ‘My other car is a Zamboni.’

“Anyway, he’s filling up his car and the whole time he’s looking over his shoulder. Like this.”

Lennox then demonstrated what someone looking over his shoulder might look like.

“You know, where the chin turns parallel to the shoulders and the eyes look behind. Like this.”

Lennox repeated the demonstration, despite the relative simplicity of the concept he was attempting to convey.

As annoying as Lennox’s testimony was, however, his story of shiftiness by Apple executives was corroborated by others.

“Steve Jobs was in here Tuesday,” said Angelica Nalley, owner of Grains-N-Things, a local vegan restaurant. “He ordered a plate of bulgar with a side of plain tofu and the whole time he was waiting his eyes kept darting back and forth. Back and forth. Back and forth.

“He was totally up to something. Totally.”

Neither Lennox or Nalley were able to provide insights into what it is that Apple is up to.

But Charley Sloan, a deliverer for an international shipping firm, claims to have delivered a small cardboard box to Apple that caused some uneasiness.

“The woman who signed for it was perspiring slightly. I remember it distinctly because it was quite cool out. So I think it has something to do with something that would fit into a small cardboard box.

“You should check into that.”

Apple declined to comment officially for this story, but did squint and look about suspiciously.

30 thoughts on “Apple Up To Something.”

  10. SQUINT! SQUINT! SQUINT! SQUINT! SQUINT! SQUINT! SQUINT!

    SQUINT! SQUINT! SQUINT! SQUINT! SQUINT! SQUINT! SQUINT!

    SQUINT! SQUINT! SQUINT! SQUINT! SQUINT! SQUINT! SQUINT!

    SQUINT! SQUINT! SQUINT! SQUINT! SQUINT! SQUINT! SQUINT!

  11. It’s obvious to a trained observer. The next Lamborghini is to be made of bulgar, tofu and cardboard. Or maybe that’s the next iPod.

  12. wait do we count posts or posters?

    what would fit in a cardboard box? why a HUMAN HEAD ofcourse!

    There is something suspicious about this story. Did anyone else notice the spelling and grammar mistakes… there aren’t any. I think CARS is up to something.

  13. The iTunes Music Store just started selling episodes of Battlestar Galactica, which features some pretty hot robot chicks.

    Coincidence? Or is Apple carefully watching the sales figures, to see how much interest there might be in Really Hot Robot Chicks?

    -jcr

  14. Nth! Ni! Ni! Ni!

    I think they might uncover the whole thing in Macworld 2006, it’s a wild guess, but I’ve got a hunch.

  15. Good Job once again, CARS Staff, in getting us to think “inside the box” all over again…

  17. Let me also mention that at no time during my tenure at Apple, did I ever see any hint of a project named “Cylon”, or “Really Hot Robot Chicks”, or “iBabe”.

    I heard a couple of guys arguing in the hallway once about whether something was really hardware or not, since it was kinda soft, but it wasn’t clear what they were talking about, and they clammed up as soon as they saw that someone was coming their way. At any rate, I’m sure that it had nothing to do with ninjas.

    -jcr

  22. Well, since the first poster was anonymous and nobody has claimed 11th yet:

    1st and 11th! HA!

  24. I can categorically state, for the record, that to the best of my knowledge, Apple is absolutely up to nothing. Nada. Zip. The Big Bagel.

    Trust me on this one. There’s nothing out of the ordinary going on. Those aren’t the droids you’re looking for. You can go about your business. Nothing to see here. Move along. Yep, that’s right, nothing happening at all. Nope, not a dang thing.

    Besides, you wouldn’t be interested anyway.

  25. I would just like to say that I’m still in India and not at all located in the Cypress Hotel in Cupertino squinting through a pair of high-end 1000x binoculars (with night-vision) at the Apple Campus trying to find out what the hell is going on over there… they’re up to something… or, are probably up to something. How the hell would I know? I’m in India you know. Yep, right here in old India with the Indians, hey there’s a Tandori cow! See!

  26. I tried chatting up employees at the local Apple Stores. Even though they’re “low on the totem pole,” I can tell they know something. It’s not just the shifty eyes–there is a sort of smug overtone, like they’re putting something over on everybody. Especially the genius dudes/dudettes.

    Plus, their stories aren’t consistent. One day the tall guy with the goatee is hinting at “leather” and “teak,” the next he’s talking “liquid metal” and “utility fog.”

    And when I complained about how some vending machines can’t recognize a dollar bill until you put in in six or seven different ways, the redhead said “You’d think by now someone would have invented a universal media drive that could recognize and read and write any kind of disc or flash card that you inserted.” Then she kept winking and raising her eyebrows like she was giving me inside stuff.

    Oh, they’re up to something, all right.

  27. Ace Deuce, she wasn’t trying to give you inside stuff.

    She just thought you were hot.

    Too bad you missed that.

    And man, a redhead.

  28. After weeks of unending surveillance well-concealed stealthily beneath a shopping cart at a supermarket in Cupertino I finally have something to report (and horrible back pain). Yesterday, a high-level Apple executive entered the store and appeared to be going about his normal shopping, buying grapes, milk, bread, and, strangely, seven identical cakes with “Congratulations on your recent appendectomy” written in frosting on the top. All perfectly ordinary stuff. However, when he left, he dropped this note on the floor:

    Celery

    Horseradish

    Peanut butter

    Hot dog buns

    (the following was circled, underlined, crossed out, re-written, and underlined again):

    PAPER TOWELS?

    What to make of this? Is it a code? Will we be seeing paper-based, condiment-powered iPods in the near future? What about the hot dog buns?

  30. I think their plan is to create the 6th gen iPods out of 66% recycled cardboard, (they’ll work on 70% in the future), and these iPods will be capable of not only holding more movies, photos, and music than before, but more grains. Because, you know, when you keep grains in a dry, safe place, they tend to last longer. Only downfall is these iPods are not efficient of holding any liquid products as of now. They will leak.

    So yeah, I’m so looking forward to hearing this announcement at Macworld in January.

    This post proudly brought to you by MoriNu brand Tofu.

Comments are closed.