19 Jan 06Wall Street Analysis of Apple Handled By Sullen Teens.

After years of poor relations with Wall Street, exhibited time and time again by analysts’ unrealistic expectations for the company, Apple believe it has discovered the root of the problem.

According to an exhaustive investigation carried out by Apple’s financial department, every Wall Street firm that covers the company has assigned a sullen teen to the job.

“It’s a strange coincidence,” said Daniel Niles, Director of Research at Lehman Brothers.

“We put [14-year-old] Landon [Donnermeyer] on the account because of his familiarity with computers and personal electronics.

“And… well… because we thought it would be funny.

“We just… didn’t realize everyone else had done the same thing.”

But everyone else had done the same thing.

The sullen teen analysts did state that Apple could please them if it announced all of the following:

  • Macs that run Windows and are, like, free, and stuff
  • Jetpacks
  • All iPods come pre-loaded with pictures of naked women
  • Software that would, like, do your homework for you while you played video games

The sullen teens then returned to watching an episode of South Park they had seen 15 times and could recite verbatim.

Apple has asked the SEC to look into the situation.

No Responses to “Wall Street Analysis of Apple Handled By Sullen Teens.”

  1. Claire says:


  2. VirgoSum says:

    Second. Ha ha.

  3. Anonymous says:

    3 yay

  4. UhhhDude says:


    What. EVERRRRR.

  5. Nxxx says:


    Makes up for the old age bias on CARS>

  6. Ergi says:

    That article was like…gahh!…sooo stupid! I mean… it was stupid because we are not like that at all. And I’m not 14 cause I’m almost 15.

  7. Bandar the Invinsible says:

    Umm… Yeah…

    I’m going to have to ask you to… come in this weekend and… yeah… that’d be greeaaat… Kaaay?

    – Doesn’t help when the little punks have 8 bosses that only care about TPS reports. Cubicle craziness!

  8. one man and his mac says:

    I don’t think it’s a problem that would just be confined to teens. Everyone wants Apple jetpacks don’t they? Well, they should!

    Also, eighth.

  9. GingerSex says:


  10. pixie says:

    Ten, baby.

    I can see Jobs in a michey suit.

  11. pixie says:


    that’s a cool second for myself. it’s like, getting married twice.

  12. Will Feldhusen says:

    I wanna Jetpack! I’ll fly!

  13. iBode says:

    I’m a sullen teen.

    And all those expectations are perfectly reasonable.

    I maintain a “sell” rating on Apple shares.

  14. Nicholas Chapman says:

    What kind of teenagers don’t want Apple to release Sexbots? Or Lesbian Ninja Sexbots?

  15. MPLS Guy says:

    As a teacher…iPods that would grade papers while I play video games would invoke a “buy” rating.

    Oh, those damn TPS reports

  16. Ben the Man says:

    Wait, so you are telling me that the MacBook Pro WASN’T named by pimpley teens?

    Who knew?

  17. Del says:


    Someone’s been reading the Giga-Post again.

  18. Ace Deuce says:

    Yeah, next we’ll have dwidgets and moths in the articles. What are we, a Moltz Think Tank?

  19. Abe Lincolnlogski says:

    Sullen Teen Analysts from Hell !!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Damm them all to ……… Hell ! ……. where I guess they (and the Marketing Batards) orginally came from……. so they can just like all go back to hell….. I guess.

    OH, and don’t let the door hit you in the ass on your way back to hell ! You Sullen Teens from ….. well you know where you’re from!

  20. Huh? says:

    The Sullen teens? Yeah, I know them. Dave and Bob Sullen, from down the street. Nice boys, wouldn’t harm af flea.

    Well, unless it was on one of their dogs. Nice dogs, them. Nose like nobody’s business. Could smell out a chicken wearing pants in a turkey factory.

    Speaking of pants…..


  21. scared monster says:

    As I work with sullen teens, too

    I can telle

    they only understand one language.

    Beat them.

    If you don’t know why, they do.

    Make them walk miles under the rain. That improves these slugs.

    ‘r ya Ready?



    (only then, it’s important)

    eat their brains.


  22. DingleBerry says:

    Zombie’s!! Ummmmm.

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