After years of poor relations with Wall Street, exhibited time and time again by analysts’ unrealistic expectations for the company, Apple believe it has discovered the root of the problem.
According to an exhaustive investigation carried out by Apple’s financial department, every Wall Street firm that covers the company has assigned a sullen teen to the job.
“It’s a strange coincidence,” said Daniel Niles, Director of Research at Lehman Brothers.
“We put [14-year-old] Landon [Donnermeyer] on the account because of his familiarity with computers and personal electronics.
“And… well… because we thought it would be funny.
“We just… didn’t realize everyone else had done the same thing.”
But everyone else had done the same thing.
The sullen teen analysts did state that Apple could please them if it announced all of the following:
- Macs that run Windows and are, like, free, and stuff
- All iPods come pre-loaded with pictures of naked women
- Software that would, like, do your homework for you while you played video games
The sullen teens then returned to watching an episode of South Park they had seen 15 times and could recite verbatim.
Apple has asked the SEC to look into the situation.