Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: Hi! [munch-munch]
A: Uh, hi!
Q: Mmmf. Yeah. Hang on a sec. [munch-munch] I’m eatin’ bacon!
A: Wha… oh. Well. OK!
Q: Yeah! Let me just get through this. [munch-munch]
A: Uh… sure. I guess.
Q: Just take a sec. [munch-munch] Mmm. [munch-munch]
A: OK, but… you’re just shoving more into your face.
Q: Well, I got a lot of bacon to go through.
A: Well, why don’t you call back when you’re done.
Q: What?! It’s just a couple dozen rashers of bacon!
A: Uh… I’m gonna move on.
Q: Oh, man!

Q: Wait, there’s bacon?
A: What? No… I mean, that guy…
Q: Well, if he’s getting bacon, I want some bacon.
A: But… I’m not giving out the bacon. He just had his own bacon. And because he was eating it, he couldn’t ask his question.
Q: So… I can ask my question… or I could go out and get some bacon.
A: That’s right.
Q: …
A: Uh…
Q: …
A: Hello?
Q: …
A: Hmm. Well, I’m not sure I blame him.

Q: OK! I’m back! Whew! I finished ’em! 24 rashers of bacon! Ha-ha! Oooh, man, that was good.
A: OK, well, what’s your question?
Q: Well, I’m thinking about getting a Mac mini to use as a media hub to play music and connect to my TV to play shows downloaded from iTunes. I’m concerned about the [mmph] graphics card, though. [mmph] – excuse me – Is the graphics card in the Mac mini good enough for watching iTunes [mmph] video at high quality?
A: Wait… are you eating something again?
Q: Just pudding.
A: Pudding?! You follow up bacon with pudding?
Q: No! C’mon. I had stick of butter in between.
A: You… you don’t get to ask a question.
Q: Oh, don’t be like that. C’mon, I have more pudding.

30 thoughts on “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. How dare you write about pig meat, knowing that Steve only kills vegetables? Wonder if he uses a shotgun, or batters them to death with prototype G5 iBook processors?

  2. 5th! Not so proud tho, 5 cannot compare to 1st! I dream of the day…

    You really shouldn’t joke about those iBook G5 protos, you though hiroshima was bad… Whole countries wiped out. No countries you’ve ever heard of though, secret, Apple testing countries…

    Oh well, back to the bacon!

  3. Sex-th. Two in a row in the top 10!!

    After reading this I have a very upset stomach. I’m…I’m gonna get some Pepto.

  4. Tapioca, vanilla, chocolate, butterscotch, what?

    And the bacon–is it what we in the US call Canadian bacon, or is it the kind we don’t?

    Details are what makes CARS come alive!

  5. *sets iFlame to obliterate and fries Bacon Lover Guy for such a bad pun*

    Sorry about the mess, guys.

    Um… keep the change.

    *picks up leftover bacon and walks away*


  6. Chavez is cutting US oil supplies and you’re writing about pudding? .. oh.. the fin-de-siecle attitude, the tragic subtlety of your poem on human finitude..

  7. I hope I speak for all vegetarians when I say: We miss bacon.

    / detests bacon
    // wait this isn’t fark?

  8. Actually, if Steve Jobs wanted bacon, the pig would simply roll-over onto its back, and Steve could just peel the bacon right off and not actually harming the pig at all.

    1000 quatloos to whomever can come up with where that’s from.

  9. Mmmmmm Danish Bacon. Or if you’re a Fundamentalist Muslim, Righteous Muhammed Bacon. (I’s a bit like the Freedom Fries.)


    “All I said was this bacon was good enough for Jehova! Aaaargh!”

    Oooh Oooh Also 19nd My Best Ever Place! Huzzah!

  10. iBode,
    That quote comes from “The Wisdom and Wit of IBode”, published by Giant Squid and edited by John Moltz. Incidentally, he is still waiting for his fee.

  11. Aahahhahahahahaaaa! None of you have spotted my carefully rouge-poisson!

    Tip: what would a muslim and a jew not be eating anyway? Eh? Eh?

    That’s right. Chips! (American Translation: Fries)

    Or was that bacon? Errr hang on I’ll just get out iBode’s “Guide to Comparative Religiosity”.

    {Flicker of pages, hmmm noises}

    Nope, definitely chips (Fries).

    Ahahahahahahahaaa! Fooled you all!

  12. Guys you are missing the point! This article is obviously an attempt to let us know that wireless pudding is about to be released. They have to do it this way to keep Apple Legal from sending their ninja’s to take CARS out. (Look what a great job the ninja’s did at AtAT. We haven’t seen them in years!)

    *Knock at Door*

    Crap it’s Apple Legal and Ninja’s. Release the kittens! Good luck guys I’ve got to run.

  13. Del, you can always hide beneath these heaps of uneaten bacon. What a pity, all those Veggies we have these days.

    Isn’t Veggie the name they gave to those who came from Vega?

    Beam me up!!

    And beam that bacon, too.

    Sorry Del. Temptation…you know…I never could resist…

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