08 Apr 06Bonus CARS Action!

If you’re experiencing CARS withdrawal, there is an answer other than medication provided by a licensed psychotherapist.

Please check out our definitive timeline of Apple’s 30-year history at Macworld online.

Or, you can wait until Monday.

Your call.

No Responses to “Bonus CARS Action!”

  1. Zeb says:

    Oh yeah! F O I S T !

  2. Nxxx says:

    So your feeling guilty, Moltz. I don’t need substitutes, I need the real thing. I need the greatest writer since Shakespeare, and a few million others, to write for me. It is the deep meaningful Moltz write I need, not the tat you rush off for others.

  3. avow943 says:


  4. iBode says:


    You can’t just sell out on us, and then tell us “Hey, I wrote something for another site, go there instead because I’m too lazy to write anything else. Besides, Macworld pays better.”

    This is very disappointing.

  5. avow943 says:

    that was hhharrddd tttooo type I havve the D….T…’s maybe now II, Willl Sleeppp toniggght

  6. John Moltz says:

    Hey, four words, iBode:

    As. The. Apple. Turns.

    So, let’s not turn this into a “thing.”

  7. As. The. Apple. Turns.


    Don’t make me cry. Where, oh where, has Jack gone? The whole world is weeping.

  8. Fiko says:

    Forbes Billionaires.
    1) Bill Gates
    5) Mike Dell
    10) Steve Jobs
    Where the hell are you Moltz?

  9. John Scully says:

    I was told this website offers healthcare plans but I don’t seem to be able to find any information. Any help would be greatly appreciated. I hope I’m using the right comment form.
    Thank you.

  10. Ace Deuce says:

    We’ve already read it…it’s funny but old already. Amelio rocks, by the way.

  11. njyo says:

    11th? Eleventh! FINALLY! Mine. Sweet Sucess.

  12. Tone says:

    Sory – damn.
    Sorry – damn.
    Sorry – sorry.
    M.u.s.t s.t.o.p. d.r.i.n.k.i.n…n.gh/



  13. GordonC says:

    there is no spoon

  14. Tom says:

    Well I hadn’t read it.

    Now I have, and I think:

    1) Funny, woefully accurate. Too close to the truth. No lesbian ninja thingummies

    2) We should be thankful for the morsels we can scrounge.

  15. blank says:

    This is a disturbing trend, this allowing Macs to boot… wait a minute, that’s not the disturbing trend I meant. It’s this thing where an article turns out to be, not an article, but a referral to the author’s paying gig. *cough*powerpage*cough*

    Don’t start that on me now. I haven’t drunk nearly enough. Gotta get to those taxes too…

  16. g0rdo says:

    16th fuckin retarded lugbucket mcgee slices


  17. iBode says:

    Oh, it’s already a thing, Moltz.
    It’s already a thing.

  18. Streetrabbit says:

    Dear Mr Moltz,

    Please spare a thought for those less fortunate than yourself and send us money.

    My obsession for technology and gadgets I don’t need, is taking food from the mouths of my children. How do you feel about that as the $$$ pour in from MacWorld? Guilty would be my guess.

    Send me $5000 or a Canon 350D or maybe a Nikon D70. I really need a new camera.

    Please give this matter prompt and serious consideration.

  19. blank says:

    Finally finished doing my taxes…

    I need a drink.

  20. Huh? says:

    WTF? My pants agree with Nxxx. You have time to go write for others, but you leave us all high and dry here.
    You might as well pull an ATAT here. Pfft…
    Ooooo!!! John’s too good for us. Wants to go mainstream. Oooooooo. Look at me tremble!!!!

    I really didn’t mean all that. um… Please come back…. *sniff*


  21. Streetrabbit says:

    “three inches to the left” that’s just ridiculous.

    Anyone who knows Infinite Loop knows that optimum feng shui would be achieved by rotating the campus 12 degrees to the east.

  22. John Moltz says:

    Just so’s you’all know, the way I originally wrote that piece it was filthy dirty with lots of swear words and all kinds of lesbian action and stuff.

    And then they edited the hell out of it.

    Some day I’ll publish the unedited version of it.

    Although you people are being so pissy about the whole thing maybe I won’t.

  23. Nxxx says:

    It’s Monday Morning.07:15:10 British Summer Time, and no Moltz.

    Should change his name to No Show Moltz.

  24. GordonC says:

    Let all who read this know that I am a Logomancer, skilled in ye art of divination by anagrams, and I have cast ye scrabble tiles four times to unveil ye truth of what ye men of the Crazy Apple Rumors Site be about with their “bonus CARS action.”

    Now I put before you ye answers that came unto me.

             our lazy strippers came
             zap my replica trousers
             sorcerers at a lumpy zip
             pearly prize across tum

    Methinks there be but little doubt as to what mischief they be up to.

  25. Slowpoke says:

    Dear John

    How are you? I am fine. The twins are good and send their best wishes. The new job is going great and life here in Italy just gets better and better, especially now the weather is warming up.

    I was a little worried when you dropped off the radar for a while back there but now you’re back (sort of) and I feel much better. Still, it wouldn’t hurt for you to call and let us all know you’re ok from time to time. Anyway, I decided to write you this letter because I think you may be feeling a little un-loved, or possibly strung out on crank or something equally debauched. We love you moltz, and not in that friendly, safe for TV kind of way either, but in that kind of way you don’t tell your parents about. Or maybe you would, but that’s idle speculation. Anyway, now you know that we care but love has to go both ways John.

    I don’t know, it just feels like you’re not 100% commited to this relationship anymore and that hurts, it hurts bad. I know I can be needy sometimes but you knew that when I was dating yo momma. I burnt bridges for you John, bridges that can never be rebuilt, unless you’re an emotional engineer, but we both know they don’t exist.

    Christ, I don’t know how to say what I want to say, but I think you get it anyway. So i’ll leave it there. I love you John, we all do.


  26. Slowpoke says:

    Hows that for a THING!


  27. UhhhDude says:

    So if I read this correctly, Jack Miller was accidentally buried in a rock formation in Utah next to Gil Amelio, who is wondering why Macs aren’t beige anymore.

    As for this “thing,” don’t worry about us, Moltz. We’re just jealous because you’re earning that sweet sweet moolah writing about Macs, and we’re just a bunch of underpaid cubicle jockeys who read your stuff instead of actually doing any work.

    Yes. We’re pathetic like that.

    Oh, and speaking of jockeys, did Del ever get her pony?

  28. Del says:

    YaY PONIES!!!!

    It has rollerskates

  29. Del says:

    “and a free pony for each Newton user”

    Does this mean I was supposed to get two ponies?

    Where’s my other pony!?

    My poor pony is lonely all my hisself.

  30. Ace Deuce says:

    Not only that, Del, but get another set of roller skates for your other pony, then strap a roller pony to each of your feet.

    The ride of your life!

    You might want to check your insurance policy beforehand.

  31. Del says:

    Roller Pony! w00t I know what I’m doing on Friday night.

  32. Does that pony eat cake?

    ‘cus that would be HAWT!

    I, for one, enjoyed the Macworld article and found it entertaining and thought inspiring, if not completely devoid of our standard fare of lesbians, ninjas, wireless pudding, cheese storage systems, pasta-networking, Reality Distortion Field Analysis, ponies, vicious hoards of man-eating beavers, lesbians, various giant insects attacking and usually sucessfully eating various high-profile Apple technicial and management staff, sexbots, lesbians, lesbian sexbot three-ways, semprini, clever references to The Office (the real one not that NBC crap with the fake Dawn and fake Tim, I mean COME ON, jeez, COME ON), our mighty galatic overlord and all-around swell squid; Tentaculous, the always evil: GLAARKU, the monstrous entity who lies “dead but dreaming” formerly known as: CTHULHU, Del’s pony and Huh?’s pants.

  33. 2000guitars says:

    uh, you missed Psyko’s Psister.

  34. Y'Sul says:


    I don’t care for one minute about your earthling types. We gas giant dwellers on Naaqueron feel sympathy for our brothers who live on Jupiter and Neptune and Saturn. Tentaculous in particular, having to live in the same system with Bill Gates, Gil Amelio and reality like Skating with Celebrities. I mean, Bruce Jenner? What were they thinking!

    On that note, John Moltz better get back in the saddle (or whatever other S&M apparatus he uses to inspire his bloviative prose) and get on with it! You have until Friday to give us new things to read. Or when the iPod Video with 4 inch screen and Cheeze Whiz dispenser is released. Whichever comes first.

    If not, since the only thing that keeps us from destroying Earth being John Moltz and his rib-tickling writing then we have no choice. By the way, he is the active Slow Seer, domiciled in the seasonal houses of Sept Bantrabal and working from the satellite-moon Third Fury?’

    If not, then Earth is toast. My 2-billion-year-old ass is just too tired to put up with you people any more.


  35. LimeyBloke, in an English accent says:

    Well it’s Tuesday here in the UK now. (By 20 mins)
    Where are ya ? Eh? Eh?
    I want my stupid CARS article so I can make an aposite, erudite yet dumb comment.

  36. The History of Apple…

    As you may or may not know, 2006 marks the 30th anniversary of Apple Computer, and yes I find it amusing……

  37. I thought that was some pretty funny stuff!

    Mr. Bunnies

  38. Nxxx says:

    LimeyBloke is correct. It is now 06:09:51 and no sign of the bugger.

  39. MR. Slaphappy says:


  40. I’ll cover all the CARS commentors both past and present by singing: “And the rest! Are here on CAAAAARRRRRRRRSSSSSS!”

    LAST POST! Until the next last post, that is.

  41. Del says:

    Sorry I can’t help myself I hate seeing “Last Post” comments.

  42. Have sex in your are tonight!…