ATTENTION: ALL MAC USERS REPORT FOR REPROGRAMMING.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: I was reading about how Apple already has the sophisticated, higher income alpha-geek market locked up, but the company needs to bridge the gap with the Joe sixpack consumers.
A: That’s true. Apple has a premium brand and is still looked at as a higher cost or “luxury” computer if you will.
Q: Yeah. Yeah. Well, look, I know you’re in regular contact with Apple executives…
A: Of course.
Q: …and I’ve got an absolutely killer idea for how to reach these consumers.
A: Lay it on me, man.
Q: OK… picture this… instead of those white Apple logo stickers they give out with Macs, they put in window stickers of Calvin peeing on the Windows logo.
A: …
Q: Just like those stickers of Calvin peeing on the Ford logo!
A: …
Q: Well?! What do you think?!
A: Calvin.
Q: Yeah!
A: Calvin & Hobbes‘ Calvin.
Q: Right!
A: So, Apple would put a sticker that violates a copyright in with every Mac.
Q: Yeah! What?
A: You know… if you throw out the copyright issue… [sigh]… I wish I could say categorically that people wouldn’t respond to that…
Q: But you can’t! You can’t, baby!
A: Please don’t make me sigh again.

Q: I have a 900 MHz iBook G3 that has suddenly gone out on me. The machine boots, but the video gets flakey after a few minutes and then the whole thing locks up. It’s not covered by AppleCare and as it’s only worth about $500, I’m not sure if there’s much point of going to the expense of getting it repaired. What should i do with it?
A: Before you give up on your repair options, you should check the iBook Logic Board Repair Program. It’s possible your problem is covered under that.
Q: Oh. OK. What machines are covered?
A: Is your machine white?
Q: Uh, yes.
A: Is it roughly rectangular?
Q: Yessssss…
A: OK. You’ve passed the easy part. Now, check the serial number. Is it in the range UV117XXXXXX to UV342XXXXXX?
Q: Wait. Wait. Uh… pull the battery… Yes! Yes! So, it’s eligible?!
A: You have passed but three of the tests. Now, put your iBook up on its edge, spin it around and let it fall. Does it fall logo side up?
Q: What? Uh… well, here… yes. Yes!
A: Just 15 more tests to go.
Q: What?! 15?!
A: Scratch the battery a little with your fingernail. Does it smell like sweaty gym socks?
Q: 15 more tests?!
A: Well… yes. And then there are the feats of strength. Have you ever wrestled a boar in the semi-nude?
Q: The boar or me?
A: Um… you. The boar would be wearing a leotard.
Q: No! Oh, forget it. I’m just going to buy a new one.
A: Hmph. Oh, that’s great! What am I going to tell the boar?
Q: Well… OK, I’ll wrestle the boar. But that’s it!

Q: I recently downloaded Boot Camp and have been trying to install Windows XP on my Mac, but it doesn’t seem to be working.
A: What kind of Mac is it.
Q: It’s an iMac.
A: Is it an Intel-based iMac?
Q: Pff! What?! Well, of course! You think I’d try to install XP on a 68040?!
A: 68040? Um… you do know that the PowerPC isn’t an Intel-based processor, right?
Q: …
A: …
Q: Um… I know that.
A: Oh. OK.
Q: Now.
A: Ah.

DUE TO THE POTENTIAL THREAT OF SUBVERSION BY COUNTER-REVOLUTIONARY THOUGHT PRESENTED BY DUAL-BOOTING INTO WINDOWS USING BOOT CAMP, OUR DEAR LEADER STEVE JOBS (PRAISE BE UNTO HIM!) HAS ORDERED THAT ALL MAC USERS REPORT FOR MANDATORY REPROGRAMMING.

CLICK HERE TO FIND A REPROGRAMMING CENTER IN YOUR AREA.

ACCORDING TO PARTY LEADER PHIL SCHILLER, ALL MAC USERS WILL UNDERGO A VIGOROUS PROGRAM OF CALISTHENICS AND IDEOLOGICAL REINDOCTRINATION – WHICH WILL INCLUDE SHOWING THE CLASSIC “1984” SUPER BOWL AD REPEATEDLY UNTIL ALL SUBVERSIVE THOUGHT IS PURGED FROM THE BODY. THOSE WHO HAVE BEEN DETERMINED TO BE A THREAT TO THE GLORIOUS REVOLUTION WILL BE FLOGGED WITH FIREWIRE CABLES UNTIL THEY SEE THE ERROR OF THEIR WAYS, CONFESS THEIR COUNTER-REVOLUTIONARY THOUGHTS AND SEEK THE ABSOLUTION OF OUR DEAR LEADER (PRAISE BE UNTO HIM!).

USERS ARE ENCOURAGED TO TURN IN THEIR FELLOW USERS WHO MAY HAVE BEEN OBSERVED RUNNING WINDOWS, READING WINDOWS WORLD OR MENTIONING THE NAME “PAUL THURROTT” IN SENTENCES THAT DO NOT ALSO INCLUDE THE WORD “SUCKS.” FOR EACH TRAITOR TO THE REVOLUTION THEY TURN IN, CITIZENS OF THE MAC COMMUNITY WILL BE REWARDED WITH A $1.00 CREDIT AT THE ITUNES MUSIC STORE.

THE USER WHO TURNS IN THE MOST COUNTER-REVOLUTIONARIES WILL WIN A SPECIAL EDITION RED IPOD NANO CONTAINING AAC FILES OF THE MACWORLD KEYNOTES OF OUR DEAR LEADER (PRAISE BE UNTO HIM!).

THERE WILL BE A SMALL RECEPTION FOLLOWING THE REPROGRAMMING FEATURING ASSORTED FRUITS AND CHEESES AND A CASH BAR. USERS WITHOUT CORRECT CHANGE WILL BE FLOGGED WITH FIREWIRE CABLES AGAIN.

AFTER THE RECEPTION, USERS FOUND TO HAVE BEEN EXPOSED TO WINDOWS WILL BE SENT FOR FURTHER INDOCTRINATION IN THE EDUCATION MARKET WHERE THEY WILL BE FORCED TO MAINTAIN IBOOKS FOR GRADE SCHOOLERS UNTIL THEY EXPRESS BOUNDLESS FAITH IN OUR DEAR LEADER (PRAISE BE UNTO HIM!).

USERS NOT REPORTING TO THEIR DESIGNATED REPROGRAMMING CENTER MAY BE SUBJECT TO DIRECT INTERVENTION FROM THE REVOLUTIONARY MACINTOSH USERS GUARD.

57 thoughts on “ATTENTION: ALL MAC USERS REPORT FOR REPROGRAMMING.”

  6. FLOG ME, FOR I HAVE SINNED. PRAISE BE. OOH, THOSE FIREWIRE CABLES SMART. WELL AREN’T YOU A BURLY YOUNG HAND OF THE PARTY.

  8. I’ve got to have those $1 iTunes Music Store credits! They are not the reward in themselves but mere indicators that our Leader (All Glory is His!) is pleased with me. Oh that I might hear those words, “Well done good and faithful consumer.” And be rewarded with a 5% discount from the Apple Store.

  11. I called my local Apple store about the reeducation program and they had no idea what I was talking about.

    I’m starting to suspect the information on this website is inaccurate!

  12. I’ve already booked me and my Mac into Lourdes. Will this suffice, Oh Magnificent One From Whom All Righteousness Emanates?

  13. That guy at USA Today is so stupid it gave me a headache. Is there any non-gaming software that people need Windows for at all?

  15. Carl – yup. apparently estate agents (realtors, I think you American chappies call them) are all locked into some piece of proprietary windows software.

    Serves them right for being estate agents IMO. Locking them in an oubliette would be even better.

    Also, I am so not surprised that the guy at USA Toady does not provide a comments field for his article!

  16. “But Boot Camp doesn’t offer any kind of compelling argument for PC users to buy Mac hardware. […] The vast majority of software isn’t made for Macs, so you’d end up buying one just to run Windows — talk about voodoo economics!”

    Uh, does this guy really think that Apple expects people to buy Intel Macs *just to run Windows*? 5% ain’t a whole lot of market share, but it’s a lot of people to buy an OS that does absolutely nothing, or at least nothing Windows can’t do.

    Maybe he thinks that Mac users just haven’t had a chance to use Windows yet, and when they do they will repent and recant.

  18. Let me see…this guy “covers technology for the Roanoke Times.”

    Two questions:

    What does he cover it in? and Where the fuck is Roanoke?

  20. Hey! I already maintain iBooks for grade schoolers. Been doing it for years now. Our Dear Leader (praise be unto Him) must have foreseen that one day I would indeed dual-boot Windows and OS X on my Mac. Ahh… He is wise. I will now return to my punishment. Only 42 more copies of MathBlasters to install in classic……

  22. So, because I use Virtual PC on my PPC Mac, does that make me a traitor?
    Wait?! No! It was only an emulation, I tell you! ONLY AN EMULATION
    *sobs*

  23. there are no reprogramming centers in new mexico, and i don’t have time today to make a pilgrimage. and new mexico is too remote for even remote desktop to work unfortunately.

  24. Don’t worry if there aren’t any reprogramming centers in your area. There is going to be a new iPod firmware update that will cause subliminal messages to be played behind your normal iPod programming. Anyone with an iPod (even the non-Mac users) will be upgraded to fit into the mold that our Lord and Masters at Apple have in their wisdom dictated to us.

    All praise our Apple leaders.

    Del
    iPod firmware beta tester

  25. STEVE JOBS IS GOD.

    THEREFORE, BILL GATES IS THE ANTICHRIST.

    BY EXTENSION, ANDREW KANTOR IS THE WHORE OF BABYLON.

  26. DEAR KIND SIR,

    WE ARRE IN NEED OF SOME BENEVOLENT HELP FROM YOU, WHICH SHOULD PROVE BENEFICAL TO ALL. OUR BROTHER IS TRAPPED IN AN APPLE REPROGRAMMING CENTER, AND MEANWHILE HIS FUNDS MUSS BE MOVE TO A NEW COUNTRY TO WAIT FOR HIS RELEES.

    IF YOU WOULD BE WILL TO HELP, PLEASE REPLY SOON AT THE ADDRESS SENT FROM.

    YOURS TRULY,

    MR. TAYLOR

  28. My lab partner evily demonstrated his blasphemy running Windows (*shudder*) on his MacBook Pro…poor MacBook… Should I flog him with the firewire cable myself or just gag him and drop him off at the reprogramming center. MASTER, TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!!

  29. THIS PUNY SCHILLER-HUMAN SEEMS TO THINK HE IS ENTITLED TO USE THE DEMON-GOD COMMUNICATION-MODE OF UNSPEAKABLE HORROR! A VISITATION WILL BE ARRANGED TO CORRECT THIS ERROR!!

    BEFORE YOU ASK, THE ANSWER IS YES, EVEN GLAARKU WILL ATTEND!!!

  30. Fluff fluff and more fluff.

    Why did you have to expose us to that article John? It just made us angry.

    Should’ve been drowned at birth.

    Anyway. Its all too much hassle. Very few people who own Macs now need to run PC software (otherwise they would have a PC). Games. Well. The PC platform in general is on the way out. Consoles are the the future.

    If someone desperately needs to use PC software all the time then a Mac would be the expensive option. But so would shoving pound notes (trans. dollar bills) up their arses. Etc.

    Harumph.

    Jobs be with you ‘fanboys’ (Praise be unto him)

    Anyone want to translate ‘fanboy’. Is it a male geisha?

  34. I don’t what is funnier. The USA Today article, the CARS post, or the silly Brits who post things like arse, pounds, and estate agents. They get me every time! Thanks for the laughs England!

  36. “…THOSE WHO HAVE BEEN DETERMINED TO BE A THREAT TO THE GLORIOUS REVOLUTION WILL BE FLOGGED WITH FIREWIRE CABLES UNTIL THEY SEE THE ERROR OF THEIR WAYS, CONFESS THEIR COUNTER-REVOLUTIONARY THOUGHTS AND SEEK THE ABSOLUTION OF OUR DEAR LEADER (PRAISE BE UNTO HIM!).”

    THEN TORTURED AND EXECUTED AND TORTURED ONCE AGAIN, JUST TO BE SURE! (PRAISE BE UNTO HIM!)

    Dude, this is Old School CARS in the hizzy wazoo* and all that!!!

    * or some such hipster-dufus, slang, ganster-talk. (PRAISE BE UNTO HIM!) SING THE ONLINE PETITION!!!! SIGN IT TOO!!!!1!

    “Is there any non-gaming software that people need Windows for at all?” — Carl

    Why, yes, you silly the whole NT Domain Controller Administrator Application Suite, which, well, it keeps track of things and provides access to other things and keeps a whole nation of second-rate computer technicians in business, my good man. Something like that, oh and Exchange, everyone’s *favorite* proprietary email server that is SOOOO much better than that awful, free, sendmail that doesn’t even have a calendar or a way to spread viri to the hordes of IT middle-management suck-ups!

  39. I’d say it’s time to eject your warp core since a breach is imminent.

    Pf! I don’t even know what that means. I am so NOT a Star Trek loser geek.

    (Takes off Geordi LaForge VISOR[TM] made from sister’s hair band)

  41. Boot Camp has its good side. Now the 60% of Microsoft employees that own iPods can just pretend to use Windows.

    “Honestly, I bought that MacBook Pro for the hardware! I must have booted into OS X by mistake, Mr. Ballmer!”

  42. Boot Camp has its good side. Now the 60% of Microsoft employees that own iPods can just pretend to use Windows.

    “Honestly, I bought that MacBook Pro for the hardware! I must have booted into OS X by mistake, Mr. Ballmer!”

  43. Since a retail copy of Windows was going for about 100 bucks less than a new DELL, I bought the DELL instead and got a great flatscreen monitor at the same time!

    I figure I came out ahead.

  45. Are they firewire 400 or 800 cables?
    The metal bits on the end of a 400 cable hurt more and whistle through the..

    the horror

    the horror

  46. Streetrabbit- I accept your apology, and forgive for cussing.

    But I do not forgive you for you Windows treachery! I have reported you to our Dear Leader (Praise be unto him!), and you will soon feel the fiery sting of Firewire!

    Paul- I caught Moltz first! That iTMS credit is mine! But wait…

    Now, I’ve caught you! You’re been using WIndows too! You shall be Punished!

    HAHA! I SEE YOU ALL! YOU CANNOT HIDE YOUR BLASPHEMY FROM ME!! I SHALL TURN YOU ALL IN TO OUR MY DEAR LEADER (PRAISE BE UNTO HIM!) AND MY REWARD SHALL BE GREAT!!!!

    MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  47. OH OH BUT I’M A STAR TREK FREAK! And have been using a Mac for 13 years! ….and a GIRL!! (err, woman) No, not using a girl, I meant I AM a girl.
    …does that count at the Re-programming Center? what do I win?

    …well?

    Pfft, FINE THEN. I saw Wil Wheaton using Windows. There, now we’re even.
    ..Tell me, do many of them come around this site often? Girls, I mean. Do they?

  48. iBode, when oh when did you see me use W…W..W..Winnnnndoe a deer a female deer, ray a drop of golden suuuuun, me a name I call myself, fa a daddle do dee dum?

    ‘Tis true I used to be of the filthy heathen hordes but now I worship at the feet of the one true shiny. (PRAISE BE THE TURTLE NECK)

    In fact my work computer (an IBM T43) is now booting to OS X and I didn’t even install it or do anything!* A MIRACLE.

    *possibly untrue

  49. Sweet Sweet Apple Pie,

    For some reason, girls don’t post here. Some posters, like you, say they are girls but we know they are pretending. Except Del. She is a girl, but she’s not normal, because she is a pirate who roller skates with ponies.

    It would be great if girls started hanging out here, because it would be more civilized, and the food would taste better. But it won’t happen. It’s impossible, like Macs booting Windows.

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