Reason For .Mac Issues Discovered

Various user reports from around the Macintosh community indicated that .Mac services have experienced serious problems of late – from slow access to outright outages.

Despite numerous protests, Apple released a statement today insisting that .Mac is “still providing the same high-speed 9600-baud access it has since its inception in 1994.”

This statement was met with significant bafflement by the vast bulk of the Macintosh community. It piqued the interest of Dr. Russell Springer at the Jet Propulsion Laboratories, however, who made a startling discovery.

Based on tests performed at the Apple campus, Springer has learned that a tear in the fabric of the space/time continuum has engulfed the .Mac team, altering their reality. Unaware of this change, the entire team believes that it is 1995 and the Apple online service they are working on is not .Mac, but eWorld.

“By 1995 standards,” Springer noted, “the current performance of .Mac is just fine. Accordingly, the team thinks things are going great.

“They’re not crazy about working for Michael Spindler, but…”

Confirming Springer’s findings, several .Mac users indicated seeing eWorld artifacts in their online .Mac experience.

“Man, I saw those little amorphous eWorld guys and I thought I was having another bad mescaline-induced flashback,” said Mac user Trent Davies.

Davies then freaked out looking at an online image of the black MacBook.

“Pismo, man! Pismo! Aaaaaaahhhhh!”

While .Mac users are currently feeling the pain, this unusual incident has a potential upside for long-suffering Newton users.

“The .Mac team has apparently decided to make a Newton conduit for .Mac,” Springer said.

“Although, I wouldn’t hold your breath on it getting finished. They can’t seem to find a Newton development kit.

“Or a Newton.”

Apple engineers outside the .Mac team have only just learned about the issue, but are reportedly already working on closing the tear and reversing its effects.

Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Today, more bitching and moaning about Apple!


Q: Man, Apple is so lame! They don’t use open standards! I want my documents, photos and spreadsheets to be useable on any platform ten years form now. I mean, who knows how long Apple’s going to be around or how long I’m going to want to hitch myself to Steve Jobs’ whims?
A: Oh. So, you must use Linux and open-source applications.
Q: What? No. Have you seen that crap? It’s practically unusable. Fricking tabs and buttons all over the place.
A: Uh, well, please tell me you don’t use Windows.
Q: No, no, no. No, I use a moleskine for my word processing, I get my pictures printed at this hour photo place – they do good work – and I have a big… green… ledger.
A: Uhhh… huh.
Q: Oh, yeah, laugh now, but you’ll be laughing out the other side of your mouth when Apple says you’ve gotta bark like a dog to get your data!
A: …
Q: …
A: Woof! Woof! Woof-woof!
Q: Oh, shut up.


Q: I’ve really had it with Apple. I just bought a Power Mac and I’m terribly disappointed. I expected more from a company with a reputation for quality products.
A: Well, it’s all relative, I guess. Apple does have a higher customer satisfaction rating than any other computer company.
Q: That may be, but they’ve totally lost mine. I mean, this keyboard is horrible! You practically have to pound the keys and then they stick.
A: Oh. That doesn’t sound good.
Q: It’s not! And don’t even get me started on this hockey puck mouse!
A: Hockey puck mouse? What did you just buy?
Q: A G4 400. Sawtooth? Yikes? One of those. Got it off eBay.
A: … And you’re complaining about Apple’s quality control.
Q: Well… yeah. They did make it.
A: I see. You know, I hear those Mac Portables were pieces of crap, too.
Q: Really? Man, what is wrong with them?!


Q: Apple has just completely pissed me off.
A: Oh? Well, what is it this time? iPod battery not working anymore? MacBook Pro not cooking your grilled cheese sandwiches to perfection anymore? Phil Schiller not returning your personal phone calls?
Q: No. No. Nooooo.
A: OK, then what is it?
Q: Um… is it still a grilled cheese if it has tomato in it?
A: Yes.
Q: Oh. Then never mind.

Apple Announces Something.

Apple announced something today at a press conference at the company’s Cupertino campus. Unfortunately, all accounts of the event were devoid of any details of what, exactly, it was that Apple announced.

This incident truly brings into question the company’s decision to use supermodel spokespersons, which male reporters apparently find rather distracting.

According to the New York Post’s Page Six “We Hear…” section, supermodel Gisele Bundchen shot a campaign for Apple’s “new Mac line” last week. Bundchen then flew to Cupertino where she announced…

Uh… something.

Reached at his office shortly after the event, Macworld magazine editor Jason Snell said “You know, the whole thing was kind of a blur. I remember a bikini and…

“I don’t really remember anything else.”

Analysts cannot decide whether Apple’s new program is ill-advised or a stroke of genius. If the company hopes to attract attention to new Intel-based Macs, hot babes in bikinis may distract more than reporters.

However, if the company was announcing that it was yet again the subject of a lawsuit, a distraction might be just the thing.

“I guess it was bad,” said the New York Times’ David Pogue. “But, honestly, I couldn’t tell you. Wasn’t listening. There was lycra and skin and…

“Oh, mama…”

Despite the controversy, many Mac users have asked Apple to escalate the new policy to naked hot spokesbabes.