Archive for June, 2006

26 JunFun in the Sun

Hey! The weather’s great in Tacoma and we’ve officially declared it “Fun in the Sun” days here at the top secret Crazy Apple Rumors Site headquarters! Here’s our itinerary for the week:

MONDAY: Schiller’s coming over for barbecued bison burgers and beers!

TUESDAY: Driving all night until we get to John Dvorak’s place, with the top down and the music blaring and the hydraulic-converted 1963 Chevy Impala all hoppin’, wearing our sleeveless t-shirts and our sunglasses – even though it’s totally dark out and stuff but we’re just that cool – and leanin’ out of the car and clankin’ some Coke bottles together and yellin’ “Dvooooooooooorak! C’mout-n-plaaaaay-ay!”

And then pretty much turning around and driving all the way home, leaving him standing on his porch in his bathrobe totally freaked out.

WEDNESDAY: Sprinting barefoot back and forth across the parking lot yelling “OUCH! OWIE! HOT! HOT! OWIE! OOCH! OUCH! OUCH! HOT!” with a MacBook Pro strapped to each foot.

THURSDAY: Drinking mojitos and watching Amanda Congdon and Masako engage in a 3-hour-long topless slow kiss in the CARS pool.

FRIDAY: Realizing Thursday was just an alcohol-inspired dream sequence, but not really minding because – at the end of the day – we’ll still have the memories.

Sounds like a full week! Which means, of course, we won’t have time for monitoring rumors or checking for Apple press releases or posting or, really, bathing.

But… you understand.

What?

You don’t?

Oh.

Well… I…

Oh, hey, Phil! Have a delicious Mirror Pond Pale Ale™!

[This edition of Crazy Apple Rumors Site will, if we have anything to say about it, one day be brought to you by Deschutes Brewery, makers of Mirror Pond Pale Ale™.]

23 JunFriday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Today on the Help Desk… babes!


Q: Those “I’m a Mac/I’m a PC” commercials are OK, but when are they going to release the Gisele Bundchen ad? Cause, man, she is… wow.
A: Some kind of fine?
Q: She’s so fine she’s out of time!
A: She’s so… what?
Q: Uh…
A: What the hell was that? That doesn’t even make any sense.
Q: I was just… trying something there.
A: Yeah, well, don’t. But, I’ll tell ya, I wouldn’t mind uploading her to my firmware.
Q: Oh, totally! Ha-ha! And I’d like to put dirty pictures of her into my iPhoto library, if you know what I mean!
A: That’s not a… Well, anyway, let’s just say that if she were open-source, I wouldn’t mind tweaking her kernel.
Q: Ha-ha! Yeah! She can check my prostate! Am I right?!
A: …
Q: … Uh…
A: Dude…
Q: Yeah, I know. I am so bad at this…


Q: I’m a Windows user and I’m just getting fed up with the malware I’m subjected to on a daily basis. I’m thinking of switching to the Mac, but before I do, there’s just one thing I gotta know.
A: You want to know if it’s true that the Mac is a babe magnet.
Q: Exactly.
A: I’m here to tell you, brother, it’s everything it’s cracked up to be.
Q: Awesome!
A: Your best bet is to get a MacBook. Then you can carry it around. You might actually have to use it as protection against the beautiful babes who will be inexorably drawn to you, as the bee to the flower, the lemming to the sea.
Q: Alright! I’m gonna go buy one right now!
A: OK!
MACGRUDER: What the hell was that crap all about? A MacBook’s not going to help that guy pick up chicks. Plastic surgery wouldn’t help that guy pick up chicks. That guy couldn’t pick up chicks if he had a forklift.
A: Hey, a switcher is a switcher.
MACGRUDER: Oh, my god… you’re on commission!
A: $20 a head. You want in?
MACGRUDER: Hell yeah!


Q: I just wanted to let you know that as a Mac user and also a babe in my own right, I find the subject of this Help Desk to be demeaning and offensive.
A: Oh. Well, I’m sorry that you feel that way. We didn’t mean to offend anyone. But, uh, just for the record, you’re no babe.
Q: What?! Yes I am! Look at these breasts!
A: Oh, no, it’s not the breasts. The breasts are great.
Q: Well than what is it?
A: It’s just… I don’t know. Something ineffable.
Q: Pff! Men! Just because I’m not Gisele Bundchen… I’ll have you know that lesbians find me hot.
A: Oh, I doubt that very much.
Q: What?!
A: Here, let’s test it. Masako? Masako? Come in here for a second.
YAMAMOTO: Yes?
A: Would you do her?
YAMAMOTO: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm… no.
Q: …
A: See, you can’t just go around throwing out wild claims like that. “Lesbians find me hot.” Like we wouldn’t check something like that!

22 JunInside Apple.

Sources within Apple indicate a disturbing trend in recent months. CEO Steve Jobs has become veritably incomprehensible.

Sources were unable to state exactly why that might be, but indicated that Jobs – after several recent trips to India to discuss the opening of a new facility that was subsequently closed – had been studying with a new yogi who has been teaching him the mystic arts of non-sequitur enlightenment.

Let’s look at the results in this edition of… Inside Apple.


HEAD OF MAC HARDWARE ENGINEERING PETER MEHRING: Steve, we’ve got a tough decision ahead of us and only you can make it. It’s our belief that if we introduce both a $500 mini-laptop and a $500 tablet device, both will fail as they’ll cannibalize each other’s sales. So, what’s it gonna be, Steve? Mini-laptop or tablet?

STEVE JOBS: Well, you know, it is a tough decision. I know people at this company have worked hard on both projects, so some are going to be terribly disappointed. But eventually daddy’s got to make his own Jell-O, you know? He’s gotta make him some bacon-wrapped pudding. A little oven-roasted hamster. With tiny little white paper things on its feet. You know what I’m talking about. Anyway… that’s where I come down.

MEHRING: Uh… what? Was there a decision in there?

CFO PETER OPPENHEIMER: Exactly, Steve! That’s… that’s exactly what I’ve been thinking.

SENIOR VICE PRESIDENT OF WORLDWIDE MARKETING PHIL SCHILLER: Do you know what he’s saying?

OPPENHEIMER: Yeah! Well… no. I just… um… Never mind.

JOBS: Look, I don’t know how to be any clearer. The pigs aren’t going to enema themselves.

MEHRING: Uh… well, I’m not going to do it.

CHIEF OPERATING OFFICER TIM COOK: [GRABS A PAD OF PAPER AND A PENCIL AND WRITES] Bacon-wrapped pudding…

JOBS: Violent cats are roaming my pants!

SCHILLER: Oh, this is no good.

MEHRING: Should we just flip a coin?

SENIOR VICE PRESIDENT OF INDUSTRIAL DESIGN JONATHAN IVE: No, this problem is bigger than this one issue. We need to learn to interpret what Steve’s saying.

JOBS: Elephants make meat open a sprig of sunlight in a round vagina!

SCHILLER: …

MEHRING: …

IVE: …

OPPENHEIMER: Yes!

IVE: You still have that coin?

MEHRING: [FLIPPING] Call it.

21 JuniPod Survives Attack From Zorgon Fleet.

According to sources within the Zorgon High Command, the Imperious Fleet’s attack against the Apple iPod has failed.

Despite being heralded in the Intergalactic Times as the latest in a series of “iPod killers”, the Zorgon fleet ultimately proved unable to destroy Apple’s irrepressible digital music device.

Late last week, the Zorgon High Command had issued a press release announcing its policy of “DEATH TO IPODS” and boldly claimed that it would succeed where Creative, Microsoft and other also-ran digital music makers “HAD FAILED LIKE THE MISERABLE WORMS THEY ARE.”

After travelling 1.9 million light years and launching a campaign intended to instill “Shock and Awe” into Apple and iPod owners everywhere, the Zorgons unfortunately found that their death rays were ineffective against the chrome and polymers that make up the iPod.

“OUR DEATH RAYS PROVED SADLY INEFFECTIVE AGAINST THE IPOD,” admitted Zorgon Imperial Commander Grrzzt. “ALSO, IT HAS BECOME CLEAR THAT WE JUST DON’T HAVE A GOOD MARKETING STRATEGY. ‘DEATH TO IPODS’ REALLY SHOULDN’T HAVE MADE IT OUT OF FOCUS GROUP.”

Unfortunately for the members of the Zorgon fleet, ineffective death rays and poor marketing aren’t their only problems.

“BECAUSE OF SOME POOR DECISIONS ON THE PART OF A CERTAIN FLEET OFFICER WHO SHALL REMAIN NAMELESS…”

Grrzzt shot an icy glare at an officer with a name tag that read “LT. SZZZZZ”.

“…WE USED UP ALL OF OUR BATTERY RESERVES MAINTAINING OUR FIRE.”

Lt. Szzzzz hung its heads sheepishly.

“SO, WE COULD REALLY USE A TOW BACK TO THE ARGOLUS CLUSTER. IF, YOU KNOW, ANYONE HAPPENS TO BE GOING THAT WAY.”

Sadly for Grrzzt, no Earthling will be going that way for approximately 500 years.

20 JunNobody Gets Why This One Dude Is Switching To Linux.

While Apple is currently enjoying an increased incidence of users switching to the Mac platform from Windows, some prominent users are switching away from the Mac…

…to Linux.

Long-time Mac user Mark Pilgrim announced recently that he was switching to Linux (link via Daring Fireball) due to concerns over Apple’s proprietary data formats.

In response, Mac users rushed to defend the platform against Pilgrim’s wild assertions concerning his own personal requirements.

“Who does this guy think he is?” shot back Panic’s Steven Frank. “What, Lord Pilgrim needs his precious data in a format that he’ll be able to access in perpetuity?

“Actually, you know what? That doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.”

Others questioned whether Pilgrim had ulterior motives in switching.

“He’s totally in the pocket of big Linux,” said Jay Curtis of Your Mac Life. “There’s a lot of money out there to be made in switching to Linux. Big Linux is practically throwing money at prominent Mac bloggers, trying to get them to switch. He’s been paid off by the man.”

“You’re way off base,” said Shawn King. “Linux users are all a bunch of Islamo-fascist communists. Mark’s obviously switching because he was captured by Jihado-terrorist troll patchers as a child and programmed to go off like a bomb thirty years later… and switch to Linux. It’s all part of their insidious plot to destroy our liberties by making us spend all out time compiling various Linux distros.

“It’s the only rational explanation.”

Pilgrim probably maintains that none of these is the reason, but who the hell gives a crap. The guy’s obviously just a kook.