12 Jul 06Investors Sue Apple For Too Many Law Suits.

Reacting to recent news that the company is being sued for stock option grant irregularities, a group of investors today filed suit against Apple for facing too many lawsuits.

“Apple is currently the subject of no less than 5,428 lawsuits,” said Marcus Gregory, Chief Investment Strategist for the State of California Teacher’s Pension Plan, one of the plaintiffs in the suit.

“This has a negative effect on the value of the company’s stock. We are initiating this lawsuit to recuperate our losses of potential income.”

While “loss of potential income” may not sound like much of a legal footing, Apple has already been sued by someone who feared his iPod could damage his hearing.

Seriously.

As its star has risen in recent years, Apple has seen the number of suits against it skyrocket, many of them baseless.

For example, contrary to what has been claimed in some of these suits, it is highly unlikely that Apple

  • Fathered a love child with an 18-year old woman from New Rochelle, NY. It was more likely that dratted Ronald from across town who was always coming by.
  • Built Stonehenge in the third century B.C. and won’t give up its secrets.
  • Leaked the identity of Valerie Plame and the details of several government spying programs. And then tried to sell the formula for Coke to Pepsi. And peed in the pool.
  • Shot JFK.

Apple stock was down 2.69 on the news of the new suit.

“See?!” Gregory said.

36 Responses to “Investors Sue Apple For Too Many Law Suits.”

  1. Aaron says:

    I can’t really be first, can I?

  2. Aaron says:

    That’s never happened to me before… I’m so proud.

  3. John Moltz says:

    Feel free to take a victory lap.

  4. Huh? says:

    “…for facing to many lawsuits”?
    psst… John- fix it before the Spell Czech gets here.
    You know how cranky he can get.

    My Shorts™ almost missed that one.

    moo

  5. MacBook amateur says:

    fitty

  6. Nxxx says:

    I am a longtime admirer of Avebury, Wood and Stonehenge so why are you denying Apple’s undeniable hand in their building. They are also responsible for the Egyptian and Mayan pyramids and threw up the Taj Mahal in an odd spare moment. They can use my toothbrush anytime.

  7. Nxxx says:

    So can the ponies. Use my toothbrush, that is.

  8. Nxxx says:

    BTW Stonehenge is fourth century Before Common Era.

    OK, John, I’ll stop now.

  9. John Moltz says:

    Thank you, Huh?

    And thanks, Nxxx, for remembering Friday’s catch-phrase: “That bitch thinks she can use my toothbrush!”

  10. OMGHAX says:

    Who really shot JR?

  11. Syth says:

    Who really shot JR? Everyone knows it was Bobby.

    No, not Bobby Ewing, Bobby Hill, from King of the Hill.

    He may be a little porker, but he’s got mad skillz with a gun. He’s from Texas, donchaknow?

  12. Self-Fulfilling Prophet says:

    Told ya so.

  13. Nxxx says:

    John,
    At my age, remembering what I started to type is a miracle but I don’t understand your ‘toothbrush’ remark.

  14. Brad Kellett says:

    Bobby also has bow hunting skillz and nun-chuck skilz…

  15. Brad Kellett says:

    And apparently, I don’t have any spelling skillz…

  16. Modrak says:

    I can speak czech !

  17. Ventzi says:

    Well, I can’t speak it, but I can understand it.

    And I’m suing Apple for this!

    meow

  18. And another thing.... says:

    A quick point: if the number of lawsuits goes down, then the number of lawyers that handle them goes down, and then they sue Apple for loss of wages, bringing the number of lawsuits back to it’s current count… I think it’s like inflation- always going up.

  19. UhhhDude says:

    Anyone planning to sue Microsoft for having sucky software?

    (And, yes, “sucky” is a valid legal term. I looked it up.)

    I mean, just because they dragged out that antitrust lawsuit, and then received a slap on the wrist, doesn’t mean we can’t dogpile on them too…

  20. Dratted Ronald says:

    Duh! Of course I did it. But I’m waiting till the law suit is over and I can get some cash before I put the pictures up on PutFile. She’s a freak. That’s all I got to say. A freak.

  21. Cross Poster Anonymous says:

    Hi there,
    After 2 years of printing shirts, I finally get a chance to bid on the local sports league’s sports jersey’s (kids’ sizes). They are buying them from a sporting goods store in a neighboring city currently. We do all their banners and we get along with them just great.

    They added 2 more teams and needed a rush job of jerseys – which I am doing today. The order is for 15 shirts for each of 2 teams – one tank tops and one regular white tees. He asked if I could give him a bid for all the shirts for the future.

    There are about 20 teams each which use about 15 shirts each. They play 4 sports (soccer, base/softball, basketball, football). The shirts have 4 things:

    – League 2-color logo on front left chest
    – American flag on sleeve (or right chest on tank tops)
    – Sponsor name (one color) on back
    – Number (same color as sponsor) on back

    I priced the rush order at $18 each. He told me that the bid needed to be lower than that to beat the current price.

    How would you price this? As a heat pressed shirt? Would you screen print the league 2-color logo and flag or heat press them too?

    Would you discount the screens because you could gang the sponsors info? Advice on numbering?

    I’d really appreciate your help on this.

  22. meelash says:

    ^^^^^WTFFFFFFF!!!

  23. blank says:

    I’m suing myself because I’m not rich by now. This action should goad me to new heights of income acquisition.

    If by some chance it doesn’t work, the B-plan is to invent a time-machine and use it to sue my younger self for being so slack as to deny me well-deserved riches in my upcoming dotage. (When that last point is reached, I plan to change my CARS handle to “crank”, btw.)

    Or maybe I should just use the time-machine to rule some past society, changing the course of human development in ways we can’t even anticipate. Hmmm, sounds like a lot of work… I think I’ll probably just stick with the lawsuits.

    Yeah, that’s easier.

  24. NWJR says:

    Of course Apple didn’t build Stonehenge. The great songwriting sages from Spinäl Tap taught us that:

    “In ancient times, hundreds of years before the
    dawn of history.
    There lived a strange race of people…the Druids.
    No one knows who they were, or what they were doing…
    but their legacy remains…
    hewn into the living rock of Stonehenge…”

    See? The DRUIDS built Stonehenge.

  25. Ace Deuce says:

    Dear Cross Poster Anonymous,

    I suggest you screenprint everything (be sure to use a sharp squeegee) and GIVE them to the teams. Then you’ll get the bid. Once you have them in your camp you can do all kinds of deals to recoup your loss. For example take a ton of the free iPod Socks (http://www.crazyapplerumors.com/?p=636#comments) and dye them in team colors. You can sell those to the teams for $20 each, easy. Then get all the players to subscribe to your “Bandanna of the Week,” which will feature screenprinted ads for Napster, Google, Ubuntu, and Del’s Roller Ponies. Those companies will pay big bucks to advertise to your client base.

    There’s your business plan. Now you owe me a penny for my thoughts.

  26. OMGHAX says:

    Hey blank, you could just convince your past self to invest in the stocks that do really well afterwards. What time period are you talking anyway? I heard oil futures are nice.

  27. Garrett says:

    Garrett’s Socks are down 2.69, and the ankle hair is begining to show. Someone please bring a lawsuit to court over this. I’d really like my socks to come back up. Maybe if enough people try to bring suit against me, my socks will sky rocket all the up to my freaking knees.

    LOOK OUT NASDAQ! HAIRY ANKLES ARE BACK!

  28. Oliver Stone says:

    Umm… Apple DID shoot JFK.

    Oh, wait… Apple EDITED that movie.

    Never mind.

  29. scared monster says:

    Couldn’t Apple put the raise of suing on stock market?
    If it raises, there’s surely some money to do.
    Sell trials on eBay?

  30. Scroogle says:

    But Apple DID knock down the towers, right?

  31. insanity says:

    He runs his own blog, and if you click on his name his first post is “The comments feature wasn’t being used and I got tired of cleaning up comment spam”

    You bitch about comment spam then act like a complete noob on this guys blog. What a tool =/

  32. insanity says:

    comment above directed at Aaron – the first comment poster.

    • Anita says:

      You could definitely see your eteirxpse in the paintings you write. The sector hopes for even more passionate writers such as you who aren’t afraid to mention how they believe. At all times go after your heart.

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