31 Aug 06Apple To Merge With Google, Sun and Others.

Blockbuster news that is sure to rock the Macintosh community has been forwarded to Crazy Apple Rumors Site today.

According to sources, Apple will merge with Google as has recently been speculated after the addition of Google’s CEO to Apple’s board.

Further, the resulting hardware and software powerhouse will then merge with Sun, as has recently been speculated.

Then, the company will crush Linux, as has also recently been speculated, by implementing a 3-step plan:

  1. Seize control of SourceForge and other online repositories of open source code.
  2. Linus Torvalds wakes up with a penguin head in his bed.
  3. Bribe existing Linux users to convert to OS X with the promise of getting them dates with actual girls.

Once Linux is destroyed, the company will then expand again by merging with Oracle, as has been speculated will happen since Nostradamus first predicted it in 1557.

But Apple/Google/Sun/Oracle will not stop there.

The company will then merge with the Science Patrol – the organization featuring Ultraman – and International Rescue of Thunderbirds fame.

Now a force beyond all ken, of a magnitude that even the gods themselves – let alone Microsoft – would shake to hear its name, Apple/Google/Sun/Oracle/Science Patrol/International Rescue will, strangely, divest itself of all its primary assets. It will then operate as a holding company that purchases real estate properties on spec in hot markets and sells them at inflated prices before quickly moving on to another town.

Kind of a letdown, isn’t it?

No Responses to “Apple To Merge With Google, Sun and Others.”

  1. dan the man? says:

    OMG SECOND!!!!

    i think apple really owns microsoft and just uses them to keep the “good guy” image

  2. fatbo says:

    3rd for fatbo

  3. fatbo says:

    rats. too slow. 4th. and 5th.

  4. Huh? says:

    “Bribe existing Linux users to convert to OS X with the promise of getting them dates with actual girls.”

    So, does this mean just the promise, or an actual date. Cause, if it’s the real thing, I’m sure I have a copy of Red Hat lying around somewhere….
    I am a bit dissapointed that the Ponies were left out of the deal, though.

    moo (Brought to you by Pants™®, the letter P and the number 6)

  5. vitamin fortified says:

    Eight.

    Ummm moo

    That is all

  6. Nxxx says:

    But surely if you try to merge with the Sun, you will be burnt to death?

  7. Groucho says:

    Nxxx – not if you merge at night.

  8. Ace Deuce says:

    Isn’t anybody going to claim eleventh?

  9. Carl says:

    Oo oo, can I or is it too late?

  10. Anonymous says:

    FIRST

  11. bigtom says:

    dude, don’t read the post first

  12. J0n says:

    Regarding Nostradamus’ prediction in 1557 (of the merger with Oracle), I’m not familiar with that one.

    How does the relevant quattrain go?

  13. Ficko says:

    In two thousand and six,
    Jobs will be in a fix.
    But with skilful use of his coracle,
    He will merge with…………. unfortunately this part of the document is missing.

    Despite the attention of the staff of the Nostradamus Department of The Balls Pond Road University, no suggestions were received.
    Not surprising, as all we do is sell degrees.

  14. crow says:

    WTF? What about the impending merger with Disney? How could you forget the mouse house?

  15. DocWolfram says:

    Eighteenth.
    And not a moment too soon!

  16. Sun/Google/OracleApple?

    Sugorapple?

  17. NWJR says:

    They could call themselves “THE JUSTICE LEAGUE” or “TEEN TITANS” or better yet, “MY PRETTY PONY GUILD!”

    Whatever.

  18. I heard Apple was gonna merge with KoolAid and release some cool refreshing flavors that are cross platform compatible with Ubuntu

  19. DocWolfram says:

    Ubuntu! Ubuntu! Ubuntu!

    22 is one-third of 66!

  20. dan the man? says:

    and the square root of your moms face

  21. Del says:

    The Ponies are behind the whole thing. They are the masterminds between the mergings, but I can’t say anymore. In fact, I may have said to much already.

    Oh great, I bring up the ponies and now I’m getting “Word Press” errors. They’ll do anything to keep me silent.

  22. Anonymous says:

    The database is down while they remove Del’s comments about the machinations of the ponies.

  23. Gary says:

    I am sure they are merging to take on

    rogue amoeba

  24. YOU says:

    I could be wrong but wasn’t Nostradamus predicting an apocalypse this year with thousands of exploding Zunes. That is if they (yeah yeah you know who) can sell that much.

  25. MacBook amateur says:

    Del, I can’t believe your conspiracy until it is confirmed by a reputable source. Have you gone to George Ou from Ziff-Davis with your information? He has the kind of reputation you need to get your important story out to the public.

  26. OMGHAX says:

    And then, I assume, the justice department will have to break them up into small local pieces for monopolizing on absolutly everything.

  27. scared monster says:

    You mean…
    Steve hasn’t already took possession of the world ?
    Someone lied to me ?

    HEY ! GIVE THAT MONEY BACK !

  28. Ahnyer Keester says:

    Yea, the snowball started rollin’ there and then all of the sudden the air kind of went out of the tires.

    Mixed metaphor and all.

    Yea.

    I’m let down.

    Deflated, one might say.

  29. Angela says:

    Your site looks great!!!!!!!!!! Please, look at my 😉

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